My husband is HOT! I'm fairly hot, too... even having gained a few pounds since the euphamistic bon-bon sometimes replaces the need for other preferrred physical-visceral satisfaction. I'm probably going to join a h20 polo team, so that will fix that.
In any rate - I'm 36/HD and he's 35/LD - together for 14 years (married 7 as of 9/3). Better than many on this board, we have sex about 3 times a month and neither of us (insofar as I know) has had an affair. Yet.
I am so very miserable and as of late overly focussed on my perceived lack of appropriate marital intimacy... I honestly think I would be happy (as opposed to generally tolerant but occasionally resentful) dealing with day-to-day grind if only I could expect that my husband would want to escape with me every night in marital relation bliss. Maybe I'm an oxytocin junkie, but a nice little orgasm makes just about anything alright.
I'm really beginning to think/believe that our overall marriage may be better if that nasty little sex piece which f&cks up so much else, wasn't so much an issue because of a side-bar romping relationship for me.
I've read SSM and a few posts here, but need specific behavioral/supplemental advice.
How have HD women boosted their intimate encounters? I believe life is too short to be unsatisfied sexually, and that longevity is increased with good sex. I can masturbate just fine, but really want/need the benefits of the 2-to-tango scenario at least 3x/week as opposed to 3x/month...
Tangible advice to help reconnect with hubby (preferred) or suggestions as to why/why not an affair in this situation would help...
THANKS!
ps: I know there are telephone coaches as made available on this site, but if anyone knows a good therapist in San Diego area, I would appreciate the referral...
Last edited by loonyqt; 08/17/0705:52 PM.
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
Let's hear more about Mr. loonyqt, besides his hotness. How's his job going? Is he getting enough exercise? Does he seem to want to be connected to you most of the time, or does he crave more solitude than he gets? Is he generally happy, with a good energy level?
And perhaps most importantly, is it easy for him to let loose and have a good time? Or is he too anxious most of the time?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well - Mr. LQT is an exec software sales dude, with a fairly new gig that he likes much better than his old one due to more $, better territory, etc. He gets plenty of exercise - weightlifting (3-4x/wk), motorcrossing, jetskiing, mtn biking in the canyon... he is a bit of a testosterone junkie. He can let loose, but he is often irritable (I think too much caffeine) and he definitely likes his own space - always has. He cares about me and is a nice guy (won't kill bugs, etc.) but definitely puts himself and his own time first (imho). I don't bitch (too much - unless I haven't gotten any in more than a week) when he goes out foosballing in bars with a pal on a weekend night or off for 5 hours to get to a motocross track. I don't think it's too much to ask to get some action just for a bit (20-30min) at least every other night...
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
Sounds a little selfish to me - if that's what he wanted, why did he get married?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
How often were you two getting it together in the early days of your R? When did this LD stuff from your H start? It sounds to me like he has enough T in his system to be getting it on with you at least 2 or 3 times a week. It sounds to me like there are definitely other issues in this R. Can you tell us a little more about what those might be?
And by the way, don't play away. You could sit your H down and tell him quite sincerely that you are feeling sex/affection starved to the extent you are thinking of stepping outside the M to get your needs met. Maybe a dose of reality will rattle his cage.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Oh - don't get me wrong. We have had some rip-roaring fights over sex. I hate to admit it, but when really upset, I am a pretty good yeller when my buttons are pushed. I have even told him that I am thinking of going elsewhere... but he isn't too phased, and has (when I've really pushed his buttons) told me, "whatever - just get off my back already".
In the early, early (honeymoon phase 14 years ago) days, we had sex almost every day. But it dwindled after I got pregnant (and aborted due to pressure from him and my family since we were pretty young) - burnt once, twice shy (kwim?). But it was still a couple times a week. We got married 7 years ago and had great sex trying to get pregnant (which is why we got married, to answer your q heywyre). But as soon as I got pregnant, it dropped back to approx. 1/wk. (begrudgingly during my pregnancy altogether).
He's always been reserved - was a virgin till 19, only had a handful of partners before me. Prefers lights off, will cover his ass with his hands walking from the bed to the backroom afterwards... not much into extended foreplay (certainly not into oral - even me just offering) or me-on-top position.
He has said, when confronted, that he wants to be able to "be a man/hunter" but that I don't allow him the opportunity to pursue me. He doesn't like it when I ask for anything directly (in AND out of the bedroom) and will intentionally withhold just because I DID ask. But, I can't do the "damsel in distress" routine for more than a couple days without sex materializing, and then I become a total bitch/nag (tho I try hard to curb the inclination).
Now, he's not a complete [censored], as I am still in this relationship for so long. And the only thing we really fight about is his lack of putting out. But I'm in my sexual prime, and I hate climbing the walls in hormonal angst!! aaaarrrggg!!!
Last edited by loonyqt; 08/24/0712:52 AM.
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
probably because his W gave him the impression she liked him -As Is.
Tangible advice to help reconnect with hubby (preferred) or suggestions as to why/why not an affair in this situation would help... an affair would preclude you from claiming the monogamous nature that you state in your subject line. an affair requires you to dishonestly have a R with two or more people simultaneously I seriously doubt you are a nympho either.
If you have a craving for strange, a good first step would be admitting that to yourself. Once you do that, then you can decide what you want to do about it. some examples of choices would be, I want some strange. tell you H, get his input, If he doesnt approve, you can decide whether its worth ending your M over. If he does approve, start dating. get your own place. get a legal seperation. If you do it for you, it will work out. If you do it for revenge, youll only hurt yourself. the other choice would be I dont want some strange, hence an affair wouldnt really solve anything. I think you want some strange. buts thats just me. I also think you are monogamous.
Or you can continue in your fantasy land of monogamous nympho's and misleading your H to believe such a thing exists too, and tht you are one of them. Youll never tell him the real you and he wont ever be able to know the real you.
Do it without the screaming.
A man who has 50x or more the amount of testosterone you do, will not be impressed by your hormonal angst and hormonal horniness.
I am so very miserable and as of late overly focussed on my perceived lack of appropriate marital intimacy...
THIS is your problem. Not your H, not the lack of sex.
Quote:
I honestly think I would be happy (as opposed to generally tolerant but occasionally resentful) dealing with day-to-day grind if only I could expect that my husband would want to escape with me every night in marital relation bliss.
This is another problem. Your expectations, and how you want him to accommodate them. That means you want to live his life for him, to the degree YOU desire. Where does HE get to be him in this picture?
Quote:
Maybe I'm an oxytocin junkie, but a nice little orgasm makes just about anything alright.
Then buy yourself a sex toy, get yourself off, and then cuddle with your dog or cat.
There really is no sex issue in your R. You just want what you want, when you want it, how you want it, and you want it right now. This attempts to emasculate your H, and masculine men typically don't respond very well to that.
There is nothing wrong with being assertive. You will tend to experience difficulties when you become domineering. You even call yourself a shrew, and can of shrug it off and giggle like that is actually a humorous thing... 'oh, women can do that, you know...'
That's bull pucky. It's disrespectful, to both yourself and him, and it is the kind of behavior I'd expect to see from a girl, not a woman.
That probably sounds rather harsh. I'm not trying to be harsh. Just frank.
If you have a craving for strange, a good first step would be admitting that to yourself. Once you do that, then you can decide what you want to do about it. some examples of choices would be, I want some strange. tell you H, get his input, If he doesnt approve, you can decide whether its worth ending your M over. If he does approve, start dating. get your own place. get a legal seperation. If you do it for you, it will work out. If you do it for revenge, youll only hurt yourself.
If he approved, what would be the purpose of separating and moving out?
Originally Posted By: blackfoot
A man who has 50x or more the amount of testosterone you do, will not be impressed by your hormonal angst and hormonal horniness.
Three times a month doesn't indicate an excess of hormonal horniness on his part.
Pressure is a turn-off. No pressure lets things continue the way they are. You've got to shake things up without putting him on the spot.
Originally Posted By: loonyqt
He can let loose, but he is often irritable (I think too much caffeine) and he definitely likes his own space - always has. He cares about me and is a nice guy (won't kill bugs, etc.) but definitely puts himself and his own time first (imho).
OK, now he's starting to make sense to me. Sex doesn't work too well with anxiety, which is what's probably driving him to spend as much time as he can get away with off by himself. Now here's the real bummer... you can't take that anxiety away from him. He might have been born with it, or he might have started carrying it around during his childhood and doesn't quite remember ever being without it.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I find it interesting that he covers his butt when walking away from you. Does he do this out of modesty, or does he feel that you are ogling him?
Which brings me to the next question. What is the dynamic in your lovemaking (as infrequent as it is)? Does he lead, follow, share the lead? Would you say you are a bit over the top? Is it possible that he feels like he isn't meeting your standards during sex.? A false perception perhaps, but what do you think that he thinks about your encounters with him?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
