OK, so I know that I am not crazy. But I looked down today, and I have H's wedding ring on my necklace again (from when I went to FL). It left an imprint over my heart when I was sleeping, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my skin...some kind of lyme disease rash? Then I figured it out--and took the ring off.
H is not good for me the way he is. He is showing no signs of changing. A few of my friends here have mentioned that I am in love with a ghost. I think that is true. Too bad that he is still haunting me.
Just like the cycles down into the abyss, I can feel myself cycling back up. Yes, there have been dips, but they don't go so far down as the last one. I brought the kids over to H's today and found myself more preoccupied with the Fri night rush-hour traffic than seeing him. I dropped the kids in the driveway with a quick kiss and wish to have a good time, saw H and felt...nothing. No hands shaking. No heart racing. He was just some guy, dressed in a t-shirt with ripped sleeves and a bit overweight. It was very strange. I waved to the kids and drove away, thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner tonight, and what has to get done to be ready for school.
I guess that we all have to go through this journey in our own way. Some great ones are able to hit the bottom quickly and shoot right back up out of the hole, learning all the way. Me, the perpetual dizzy blonde, had to go in loop-de-loops!
I have been trying to think of a symbol for letting go...something that will be going into my first pastel painting in many years. I have my sketchbook out again, and am trying to think visually rather than in words all of the time, stretch out that part of my brain again. A butterfly off of a child's hand keeps popping up, but it has been done so much, I am pushing myself farther. We'll see where that goes.
I know how sorry I am for all that I contributed to the breakdown of my M. But I am not sorry for having my eyes opened to how I was living life complacently, and the changes that I have made and continue to make in light of that. I do feel myself pulling far ahead of H at this point. It may be that he wants someone who would only live for him, with no outside life or interests--I think that is something that CW may actually be able to do. It would be in stark contrast to how I have lived, or how I would ever want to live. If that is what will make him truly happy, I know that I can't be that for him, and I will be glad (someday) that he has found what he searched for.
I look back and wonder how much we ever really understood each other at all. It is sad, but there were so many positive things, experiences and emotions there, too. I will never forget them. But I know that there will be more for me.
Once we get the agreement signed, I think that I will be able to let him go. I do expect to have some hard days (I am not the cold-turkey kind of person, obviously), but I will forgive myself for them.
Maybe the best way to solve this problem is to change what the problem is. It is not about winning my H back. It is about letting him go, and winning myself back.
I am going to be going back over all of my friends' posts to me here, cards and words of caring over this whole time in my life, and "collecting" some of the descriptors that they have shared about me. When I am down, it is so easy to buy into all of the negative traits I see in myself, and what H has seen and convinced me of. These things are not useful to me, especially if they no longer hold true. If there are some left, I will accept them or plan goals to address them. But just like the life before me, the positives far outweigh the baggage.
Tomorrow's agenda will be to work with my IC to counter the spew that H regularly throws at me to cut me up and down. I am going to write out as many unkind and uncaring things that he has come up with to justify his actions, and write down the truth. I may have to look at it during the mediation at some point on Monday, but other than that, it will be another resource to keep me from the desperation and darkness.
If anyone is in the mood to type anything that jumps to mind for either issue by tomorrow night, I would greatly appreciate it. I know that the strength is here inside me; I just have to tap into it in a more concrete, planned manner.
The rebuttals will be for me (with the exception of the weekly $$ and the kids' contact with CW--those may have to be hauled out, even if he doesn't agree with them).
