Not a lot to tell, but I'm on here every night reading and throwing around my two cents worth. It is still what keeps me "straight". My H and I are .....well, the only way I know how to describe it is to say we are back to normal for us. It isn't where I want us to end up, but for right now, it is okay. I still do not have sexual desires for him, but maybe someday. I have tried to decide within my own heart that if we never sleep together again, I will live for the Lord and find happiness in Him. But, even though I think I am still the oldest person on here, I don't feel that old and I still have the dream that my H and I can have a R just like the younger ones do. I've not given up on our MR.....and I have not "settled"...don't mean it to sound as though I have. I just mean that if it never led to an active sex life between us....I could live with it. I would like for us to be closer in other ways.....you know...actually have intimate conversations about "feelings", etc., but he hasn't in 41 years, so I don't know why I expect him to now. He's never been one for "meaningful conversation" that all the good books about MR talk about.
He has continued to stay "backed away" as I asked him to do. I, however, am finding it very difficult to draw closer to him and I know he is waiting on me to make the first move....the second move....the third, and so on. It bothers me that I can't seem to do that. I don't know what is the matter with me. The same thing that has been the matter for years, I suppose. But, I still pray that it (whatever "it" is) will change in me. Sometimes, I almost envy these wives that talk about how much in love they are with their H and don't want to loose them. I want to feel that way about mine. I know I love him, but I don't feel "in love" with him. You know.....like "they" (the WAS) all say! I haven't felt that way in many, many years. I think that is one of the reasons I fell in the on-line mess. But, anyway, I know it was wrong and I'm determined to live right....with or without the "in love" feelings. I have grown children and one grown grandchild and two little grandchildren. So, I have to think about them. When I was in my "fog".....I couldn't think about anything logically....just what I wanted. And, what I wanted was to be in love and to feel that wonderful feeling and to actually experience what it was like to have sex with someone you desired. I keep praying that someday, it will be my H.
Oh.....gee....didn't mean for that to sound like a pity party. Sorry about that. I'm not really feeling that way....just have a hard time expressing myself sometimes.
I have not made contact with the OM since I broke it off....I told you all about that. I have been tempted a few times, but I can come on here and it usually passes soon. I know that just b/c one determines within their heart to do something doesn't mean the temptation won't come from time to time....so I deal with it.
Well, my little granddaughter is here to spend the night.....that is what families are all about...right? She is precious and worth my attention, so I'm off to spend time with her. Hope you all have a good night and don't give up. I'm not going to give up, either!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
