Just received a voice mail from W this morning. We have had little contact since she moved out in June and the last I heard from her was in an email asking me for 1/2 of the filing fee. When I refused she sent me a response which was very accusatory and vindictive. I did not respond to it.
So, in the voicemail she was crying and told me that she doesn't see how she could ever get over being angry with me, and that I shouldn't call her back. This was the first sign of her dealing with her emotions that she has expressed to me since she walked out. I have been doing 180 and letting her call the shots for contact etc. Could this be a sign that she is possibly looking for a way in her mind to work things out, or should I just let it ride? I want to email her with info about Retrouvaille and let her know that I have been going back to church and seeing a therapist, though I am afraid she may not take too well to it. Any thought son this? Could her anger/emotion be a positive sign in coming to terms with her emotions?
In a word: WOW. I just read all 10 pages of you thread and I am blown away by the similarities in our situations. My W is a little less self-destructive than yours and, as far as I know, there's been no A, but everything about your thoughts and behavior pretty well parellels my own. Although I may be a bit worse off than you because I have not been as successful maintaining NC. We're selling our home and so I have to e-mail/speak to her every couple days with updates.
My 2 cents: don't say anything about the Retrouvaille yet, it's not the right time. I'm struggling with this as well right now, it's not easy. But the way I see it is that you have to start a dialogue first, she has to want to talk to you and maybe start to see you as a friend if nothing else. If you don't have that to begin with, she'll reject any idea you bring up outright. But, if she gives you any kind of "in" like "I miss you but I'm so hopeless about us" or "what could we possibly do differently", that's when you bring up the Retrouvaille. Don't bring up DBing or anything else (don't want her to feel intimidated or put down that you've been doing all this work when she hasn't been doing any), just mention that you found out about this thing and it's gotten some great testimonials and it's something we've never tried. That's it.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
I just don't know. The tears could be from anger not remorse. I know when I suggested Retrouvaille to my H it was at our lowest point. At the end of an argument that was really ugly and in public. When we knew that we couldn't even be together in public anymore without embarrassing ourselves. We were desperate. But on the other hand, OW had let him go by then. So he didn't have a safety net. And he knew I had proof of the affair and he wouldn't look good in court. SO he had no choice but to agree. You are right though, Retrouvaille would be great if you could get her there.
Well, I did end up sending her a short email later yesterday, letting her know that I will not abandon her, do not want the divorce, and letting her know of my 180 changes (without referring to it as such). Did not let on to her that I am aware of the A, as I really want her to come clean on it, and I don't think I could let her back in at some point if she doesn't admit to it on her own. Didn't mention Retrouvaille perse', but did make mention of some promising couples programs I have found. She responded only with a cryptic, "don't do this to me."
My sister-in-law came out for a visit last night and basically confirmed everything is true. In fact, W has told her and her own best friend to never speak to her again because they called her out on the A. Said W has become venomous, selfish and deceiving of everyone close to her....and this guy is a dirt troll! Argh!
I know you are dealing with a person who has psychological problems, so you do what you think best. Generally, however, it is best to let them know that you know about the affair. Bringing it out into the light of day takes away a lot of its magic. But don't just run off telling her you forgive her for it. Forgiveness is only worth something to her after she asks for it. Otherwise it is just more of your emotional stuff being thrown at her.
ell, it's official-she has filed and wants to serve me my papers asap. She just called yesterday and as I have yet to call her back (detaching), she has texted me and called two additional times in 24 hrs. Says, "avoiding this is not going to make it go away". Ohhh, how I would love to throw THAT little phrase back at her! She still has no idea that I know about the A with OM. Thinking I may wait to ask her when we see each other over the papers. I'm curious as to whether she will admit it or not. I have pieced together a few memories of times she mentioned bumping into him before the S, and it's looking like this may have been in the works a little longer than I had previously thought. Never had her pegged for a cheater-I actually trusted her FULLY in that dept....and the fact that my marriage didn't even make it a year, and was lost to THIS sorry excuse of an OM, is even more humiliating. I guess I need to accept that based on her behavior and who he is, that they probably deserve each other after all. No matter, my vows were real and I meant them. She is he&l-bent on this divorce, and it looks like once again, she gets her way. I hope she realizes what a boring, dysfunctional and shallow existence this dude will give to her.
I'm really sorry to hear this. I was actually pulling pretty hard for you, mostly for selfish reasons. As I mentioned before, I found a lot of similarities in our stories, although my W doesn't appear to have the same issues yours does, and was hoping that if things worked out for you, it might be a sign they could work out for me.
I don't know what to say. Concentrate on one foot in front of the other, that's what I do when it feels like the end is near. Just concentrate on taking the next step, always moving forward no matter how slow. Good luck Mr. H.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
