WAW filing for D

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, good to hear that you got an C appointment so soon. Bring it all out there! get it out of your system and go on!

As far as dealing your confronting issues, you sound like you are doing a great job in that area. I, on the other hand was never one to back down, I stood up for myself, and my loved ones, all of my life, so now learning when to stand and when to back down/calm down, is a 180 for me.

Sounds like you have quite a test ahead of you, with you now being your ex-GF's boss. Mind if I ask you, did that R, end on a good note? If so, maybe it won't be that hard to deal with her. And maybe, through the grapevine, your W, might hear about you and her starting to get rather close, might even make your W a little jealous, which believe it or not can be a good thing, as Strange once told me. I think he read an article on it. When you get the chance you might ask him about it. Take care.

[Steel_Box]

dlt1 - I was reading through and wanted to offer my perspective. Don't know if it will help, but I feel the more viewpoints I hear from, the better informed I am for a decision.

She may very well find herself wanting to save our M one day down the road. IF that happens, I may be open to it, I may not. I doubt she'll get there and don't care. I only care now about getting ME to a better place. This past 6 weeks has really put me on the right road. I still have work to do, but I can see the person I am finally becoming. And I like him! I'm beginning to see things in me that I have admired in others. I'm not exactly comfortable with these new traits/actions, but I am becoming more so each day.

This is where I was a while back and it is not a bad place. The pain of the knowledge helps to stoke the fire of change, use it. Continue to make yourself a better person and it will pay off, with or without her. You will become comfortable in your new skin, hopefully to the point that you will forget what the old you was like.

I will be happier with OR without her. She has no bearing on my future happiness. I can forgive her. I kind of already have, but not completely. But I see it happening before long. Once I get settled again and find my way. In her heart she is a good person. She is confused, lonely, depressed, lost, basically FUBAR.

You seem to have a good attitude in that you can already see that this anger and pain will pass. I think that when you are able to forgive her it makes it easier for you to heal and get on with your life. If she comes out of her fog and wants to try and work on the R, you are better suited to do this if you have moved past the pain. I found that the pain will resurface and want to exact revenge if you are not in control of it. It will also help in the D process as Rain said. If you do decide to go through with the D, and it appears that you have, you have to put anger and emotion aside and treat it like a business deal. Someone told me that and I thought I could. It is a lot tougher than you would think, but it does help. It is possible that this will be a wake up call. Not right a way, but after she calms down and begins to see what she is losing.

FWIW in my case I did file for D, more out of fear that she was going to try to take my kids, than the A. When I first informed her it was not pretty, and I was pretty sure that that was it. No more chance. It was very tense and for a while I thought it may be a very ugly fight. As it stands now, our D paperwork is still in the courts, but things have much improved between us. I am still prepared to see it all the way through, but since she is now making efforts, I am not trying to speed it to the end. There may even become a point that I have it pulled, just not yet.

Stay Strong
Steel

[dlt1]

Thanks all. Rain, no it ended (twice) with me walking away after I realized how much she was dragging me down emotionally. I had given it a second chance b/c thought she had worked on not being so negative. We have a 'working' R but that's it. She is occasionaly at a mutual friend's social gatherings and we say hello and that's about it. I found that I really don't like her. I'm more indifferent I guess than not liking. Anyway, if I do become her boss and have to push some things, she will not be happy. After rading all your sitch's and other's, I know that there could be a wake up down the road. I feel like this is really allowing me to truly DB. I look back and see that I wasn;t there, was holding on too tight. I'm not thinking about if we get to that point. In my mind we never will. I can cross that bridge if we ever get there. Right now I know I have zero trust and respect for her. Later in life? I honestly have no idea and don't want to speculate.
I am beat, was up late on the phone with friends. Hitting me now. This may be good as I am more emotional when tired. I've not had very strong emotional talks with C, and feel I need one. I don;t know if I want to talk about W and A, or just focus on how best to move forward. It's strange, I have a good bit of confidence, and just know I will survive and somehow someday find someone. BUt I'm scared to death.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, I know that fear, all too well, I've been M'ed for now 14 yrs. I am 35 yrs old. that is almost half my life. and venturing out into the dating scene is one the things I have dreaded. As you know I have been there once, when this whole thing started, and I was scared then, but once I met someone, and well you know, I did feel more confident. but those feelings were there one day, gone the next, and it was because I was not ready.

This is why I have so much faith in a R, with my W, she is trying too hard to move on, and forget me. But the truth is the current idiot is only the first guy that she met, after our initial separation, and now with a baby on the way, and not knowing who's it is, she feels trapped. She knows that I will not move back in with her, that I am on this journey of finding my way in life. so since she knows that, she is opting to stay with someone who is using her, just to have someone physically there. The signs are there, she is the only one who won't admit she sees it.

My mom has said it since day one, she is waiting for me, to get my life together, 1. find a job (check, done in a big way, Yaaaa! dream job!) 2. Work on my issues (doing that now in C,) 3. Get out of debt and pay my bills (will be doing that shortly once I start working) 4. Get a house of my own, and take care of it, by myself (On the horizon, in the near future, but for now, she knows that I am learning how to do, and am doing more around the house, here. then I did there)

So you see, I, like you, know my W, I've known her almost half my life, And thanks to this site, I know the reason she did all of this, and I know that she will be back for some form of a R, it's just a matter of time. Take care.

[dlt1]

C went well as usual. Got me on a good path to move on. Headed out in a bit. Thanks for keeping an eye on me. I wanted to let all know I'm OK and will check in later tonite or morrow.

[dlt1]

Hitting BW's later. W and I used to meet F's there a lot. Also where she hooked w/ OM. I had stayed away due to giving her space. No more, I like it there and will meet some F's there. Was thinking about going to another hole in the wall, but I only really liked that w/ W, so why go?
My promo is a whirlwind! I'm to hire someone next week. Thought it would be a bit slower transition. Nothing like jumping in head first. They have confidence in me, and I have it in myself. I'm finally at a place where I will shape and mold our business to make it bigger and better. Will talk $$ Monday. They typically take care of people elevated to these positions, so doubt there will be any negotiation/disapoointment.
Hanging out with Lawyer F (we'll designate her LF) Sat night. She and fiancee are having a shindig. Mentioned that her neighbor's H moved out 6 weeks ago. (eery) Said she will not be there, but I would like her. Said I'm not in a place for an R, but it may be nice to spend time w/ someone in a similafr place. They live on opp side of town (good 45 min drive) but I am free to go and stay where I want now. Nice to reaffirm that I have lots-o-options. LF and I ar3e going to talk D numbers Sunday. My plan is to push division of small stuff with W after LAbor Day over 2 weekends. Then hit her with a solid and fair proposal of division of the big stuff. W won;t like it, too bad. LF will not let me ask for too much or too little, so I know it will be fair. Will file at same time, perhaps have her served at work? Mmmmm, would like to see the look on her face! I am allowed to be angry and take a poke here or there.
I really feel in a good place. Definitely detached and accepted. Working w/ W on dividing will be bad, but it is what it is. Gotta do it. So, if I don't die from a bug bite, saw Dr. today about nasty leg thing, I will survive. I will be pissed if some stupid spider cancels my check
Sorry I have been neglecting other threads the past couple days. Will do that tomorrow morn/afternoon. We are not alone!

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, Good to hear that you are out there having fun and GAL, Congrats on the promo! Remember you deserve it!

As far as meeting the F of the LF, there is no harm in that, just remember your boundaries. (Funny that you mention that, my female friend that I dated and went further than that with, called today, and well, in no uncertain terms, I feel that she is pursuing me, a little, but I also have my boundaries, so I will not engage her, other than as a friend.)

Poke at W was IMO, OK, considering what you have been through. As you know mine is going down too, and things are really looking up for me! It is hard not to gloat, but in my present state, I really don't feel like gloating, I feel sorry for her, but things have to be this way.

My real GAL, will start on Monday, when my new job starts. I have already started working on my debts with the bank, and planning on taking care of the others, so things are starting to really fall into place. I figure it took me almost a year to get into this mess, hopefully it will only take a few months to get out of most of it. Then the custody battle will start, But I have found a way that is not going to cost me an arm and a leg. W, on the other hand as she is falling into the pit, will most likely not be able to stand and fight. Too bad, (Well, what do you know, I gloated, Forgive me, LOL)

Take care of yourself, and the bug bite, You don't want to cash out, now, Who knows what exciting things are in store for you! Take care.

[dlt1]

I picked up some stuff at the house. W was working, so I didn't have to deal with her. Got some sheets, towels, pots, pans, cooking spices, phones, luggage and my recliner. There is just so much we have to divide up. I did for get my keg tap (need it for next weekend). Well, I got things situated at my place and started filling in the numbers on the financial declarations sheet. Will know more when I discuss with LF, but looks like she is not going to be happy. I have nearly twice the cc debt and there is more equity in the house than I thought.
W called as I wrapped up. I had gotten the cable bill, marked it as paid, and wrote a note saying she needs to get the bills switched as soon as possible to her name (she's had them all week). She asked if somewthing was wrong. wtf? Simply said no, it just looked like she had not doen that, and I wanted them in her name. Told her to let me know when it's done. I swear, by Tues or Wed if she has not, I'll cancel from my end. Just one more selfish little quality of W showing through. Anyway, then she asked when we could get together to go over everything else. Settled on Sat after Labor Day. I said we should go through the house for 5-6 hours and just pack my stuff as we go and leave that in teh garage for now. Then we could address the bigger things and hopefully it would not seem undaunting. She agreed. I made no mention that the bigger things would be addressed in a formal settlement proposal connected to the divorce petition.
I am torn b/c I see what my fair share is, but she is going to be hurt. Definitely another confrontation for me to be in. I am fairly certain we'll end up in court and there will be absolutley no chance of friendship or at least comfortable social meetings. But then I remember, that's on her, not me. She will make me out to be the bad guy. Won't even consider that she brought us here. Yeah, that makes me get over it a little quicker.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, Say hello to another bad guy, LOL! They are going to see us the way they want, even though they are as much to blame, really even more. You are doing the right thing, you can't worry about her feelings, when it comes to the legal things. I applaud you.

As far as a friendship, things will be bad for a while, but if you are open to that, and show her only that, she might eventually come around. A bitter D, is a terrible thing, just be glad there are no kids involved, that is where things really get messy, as you know, I know that all too well.

On the subject of the bills, I agree, you no longer live there, I suggest you don't wait for the W, on that one, get those taken care of ASAP!

When you go through the house, and start the dividing, try to do it as friendly as possible. My W and I didn't/couldn't do that at all, it was right after I found out about the one night-er, so there was some real anger there, So she stayed at a motel, while I pretty much took, everything I could take. I Left most of the furniture, knic-knacs, and other things that were not important at the time. I am glad she wasn't there, surely, there would have been one heck of a fight. There was too much emotion on both our parts to deal with that, and there still is on her part, so far, I still have things over there, and she hasn't said anymore on the subject. Last time we discussed it, I told her, I would get whatever I have left, when I get my own place.

Now that the OM is moved in, you would think she would want my stuff, out of there, but it is still there, Heck, they are even sleeping in the bed I bought, but I don't care, she can burn it, for all I care. I now have a great bed here, with a beautiful headboard, that I built, and it is way better than the one that I left, and the house that I helped my mom get, where I live now, I know my W would just love, too bad, she still hasn't seen it, but the kids have, and they have told her how nice it is.

Still, she can't go very far in her house, without being reminded of me, maybe she likes being reminded of me, I don't know, but I do know, that she still wears a lot of the jewelery and clothes, I bought her, I, on the other hand, have destroyed and trashed almost everything she ever gave me, I have my regrets now, but what is done is done, and I have and will buy all new things, now. Take care.

[EAA]

DL,

Glad to see you're hangin' in there.

It does suck to be the "bad guy", even when you're not. Last time I saw W, she said, "I can't eat! I can't sleep! I'm sick all the time! YOU did this to me!"

I had a hard time fighting the urge to argue. She left. She took off her rings. She asked for the D. She has done all of that to herself. She could have said that I did that to her before she left. After that, it's out of my hands. But she really considers everything to be my fault.

Oh well, keep hanging in there. One day, she'll realize how much you tried to save and what she missed.

EAA