No, I know she is swallowing a lot of her pride to ask her friends for a bed to sleep in. I also understand what you are saying about pressure and pushing, when they are stressed. I know that feeling myself all to well.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
One, go find a family-friendly counselor. You wouldn't think that would be hard but we had a guy completely screw us over in January - I'd say he set us back 6 months and definitely contributed to our separation. If we had been going to the guy I've been seeing 100% we wouldn't have separated, or if we had, we both would have agreed to it (wouldn't have happened).
2) Let her move back in, set boundaries and leave her alone - just let her know you're there for her, don't let her use you as a doormat, and give her time and space to figure things out.
The thing is, you know your wife better than any of us, you kind of have to do what she'll respond to. In the meantime, make yourself who you want to be and if she likes it, GREAT!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
On Friday I sent my wife an email to talk about a possible arrangement for us, if we decide to move in to a place together. I also ask her if she would try to communicate with me what she wants my boundaries to be for our current interactions. She has not responded, but did say she got the email.
Today, Saturday, she called and asked me to look online at an apt. complex she was looking at. I called the place and got the pricing on 1 and 2 bedroom apts. I called her and told her I had pricing on both, which would she like. She replied "Just the one bedroom". We'll that pretty much communicated to me her current intentions about moving into a place together. I did bother me that she did not communicate with me that that is her intentions. So I called her.
I said "You do not seem to want to communicate or you choose not to communicate with me what your intentions are. I really wish you would let me know what your intentions are." She said "H what do you want from me"? I said "I would just like it if you would communicate with me. If we are going to have any type of relationship, then we have got to have two sided communication, not me trying to communicate with you and then me having to assume what your response would be or what your intentions are, because you don't tell me nothing. I am not talking about use discussing our marriage or trying to work things out or trying to get us back together. I am just asking for a little bit of communication, so I know how to proceed with things. So I am assuming, since you asked me to look into prices for a 1 bedroom apt., that your are not wanting to get a place together and that is fine,I just wish you would let me know what your intentions are." She said, "Why is it such a big deal". I replied "Because I need to find a place for me and S to live and I am holding off for you to indicate to me what your intentions are. If you want us all to live in the same place then I was going to look for a 3 bedroom place. But if you are not going to move with us, then I can not afford to rent a 3 bedroom for just me and him if you are not moving in, I will just get a two bedroom. So, S and I are in a holding pattern, waiting to her from you. I do not want you to move in with us if you are doing it only because you can not afford a place of your own. That will just put us back to where we were and I am not returning there. She replied with a bit of anger "I am planning on moving in with (friend) for like a month, until I can see if I can get my own place". I said "That is great. Why can't you just tell me that instead of letting me assume what is going on. I will look for me and S a place then. But, please, you have got to open up and communicate with me. I am not asking your for you to poor you heart out to me or talk about anything to do with our marriage. I am just asking for regular communication so we can each have an understanding of each other and right now, we don't".
So, it is pretty evident to me (as sad as it is for me to admit it) that she is truly trying to move on and this for her is not a separation, it is the end of us and she is trying to move on with her own life. I am not one to admit defeat, but it feels that way a bit. I have got to start to move on myself, even if I still do have hope for us. I am not sure how to interact with her now. Do I continue to do things with her almost daily as we have been doing for the past 6 weeks? Do I just do things on occasion? Do, I stop entirely (no I don't see me doing that)? Do I look for a place close to where she is or do I get a place where I really want to live, that is a hour away from her? Do I allow her to see S every evening when she gets of work, like I have been doing or do I cut it back to a few times and then just her weekends? Do I make her pay the child support she is supposed to be paying, but has not or do I just not worry about it since I know she can not afford to pay it?
God I wish I could just take a month vacation and when I came back all this would be worked out. Whether together or not, I just want sh*t to worked out already. Even harder for me to do when I have no idea what my boundaries are with her. Why in the hell won't she just have a simple conversation with me. Why does she act like she has no reason to respond to me? BLAH!!! This sh*t sucks!
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Hi Nugget, Our W's are extremely selfish right now. My W's one nighter (that appears to be more, but whatever) solidified my realization that we're thru. As for boundaries, you need to decide what yours are. Can't do much about hers. She is only thinking about herself, so you need to set boundaries in order to protect yourself from being a doormat. Honestly, it may change your W's view after her initial anger. Just make them and stick to them.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Not always easy. Ask yourself this for each instance: If she asks for X and I say Ok, am I Ok when she does not follow thru w/ my desired result? if not, don't give her X. This is a very simplified example, but I think you get the jist.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Man this roller coaster ride is making me nauseas. I kind of want to get of before I puke. I sure wish there was away to to pull way emotionally like the WAW has. She seems so controlled and cool with her emotions. Were as mine are all over the place. How in the hell do I get control of them. That is what is making this whole situation worse, my unstable emotions.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
She is only seems okay because she has convinced herself this okay. Give it time and she will realize and feel guilt for what she has done and is doing. In regards to your reply I understand completely why you said what you said. You laid a pretty big guilt trip on her or at least that is the way she say it.
She has no control and she certainly doesn't want you to have any, probably why she won't come back. Child support that is up to you but if she can't pay maybe they can just log it and she can make it up over time. She definetly is telling you she is not ready to work on anything right now.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Nugget, The emotional ups and downs will get easier to control. Unfortunayely the only cure is time. Let yourself feel each one right now. That seemed to help me get through a litt;e quicker than expected. I still wake up feeling a sense of loss, but that seems to be the worst part of my day usually. You will survive!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
