Are we piecing yet?

[LL44]

Well, its nice things are being done, but do you think its guilt talking? H has been doing all sorts of things for me and the house. I always thank him, but don't gush. Thanks for fixing the gutters, but I would have rather you just didn't cheat on me.

In all seriousness, H has always been the type of person to check my tire pressure and make sure I got to work in the rain, rather than flowers and chocolates. It took me awhile to get used to his way of showing love, but now I know its what that was. No matter what your H is going through, he still has feelings for you and is probably trying to help you in any way.

[ediemarie]

I don't get it!! I always thank him, but had been extra appreciative when he has done other things for me lately. Is this one of his needs? "Appreciation?" I remember reading an e-mail he sent to OW about 3 weeks into their A and she had mentioned something about her wiper blades needing to be replaced. He was so quick to go to the auto parts store and replace and wash her car, it made me mad because at the time, we had a lamp that need to be fixed and a new filter put in our water purifier that he had put off for weeks.

This must be a love language of his.

Faith

Well, Words of Affirmation is a love language and it might be his. The only way to really tell (I think) is to examine your past interactions. Have you nagged or asked repeatedly to have things done around the house and it fell on deaf ears? At that point in time were your conversations more about what he could do for you or about what you wanted done in the house? I'm assuming that now (and for the past 12 weeks), you are making a big deal out of any little thing he does. If that's the case, and you weren't doing it in the past, then you just found his love language and the way to get him to keep doing things is to keep praising all the time and in a big way - make a big deal out of everything he does that is positive. Contrarily, say nothing about the bad behavior and theoretically it will go away because he's not getting a reaction from you about it.

It could also be guilt, but the fact that he was willing to do something for the OW makes me think that she's really good with words of affirmation and that is why he did it for her.

I think my H is words of affirmation and I struggle, struggle, struggle with that because I am not a cheerleader by any stretch of the imagination and the OW is - all the time! Tough stuff to compete with!

You seem to be doing really well!
Em

[Have Faith]

EM and lwb thank you for your input.

I had my telephone call with my DB Coach today. She thinks that I should begin the LRT. It scares the hell out of me, but I can see her point. I'm going to re-read the bullet points and implement. I need to not be so available. She said that I should limit my time with him and that it should be quality not quantity time. I guess I'm sort of going through withdrawals. Maybe that is how he feels about the OW. My DB Coach says no more overnights.

I am ok with every night except Saturday. I don't have any single friends and Saturday has always been our date night. I do know that I will just have to find something to do. I haven't figured out what yet.

We have been getting so close, and I'm afraid that this will just start pulling us apart. But she is right as I have not seen any changes in him for the last 6 to 8 weeks. He has been too comfortable. Too sure of me.

Tonight is my last night of golf league. He said he was going to be at the house tonight doing some work. I expect that he will be there when I get home. I'm not going to hurry. I will take my time and when I get home be very nice and happy (if he is still there). I guess I need to do a 180 too.

I will give this 1 month. If I don't start seeing positive changes, then I don't know what I will do next. I will figure that out then.

Faith

[ediemarie]

Oh Faith, I can totally understand your trepidation! Rest assured that the experts know what they are talking about. The advice she has given you certainly causes me to think about my own sitch.

Well, let's brainstorm some things you can do on Saturdays. Warning: some fun, some not so fun:
1)food shopping
2)movies with alternating friends
3)a new club (see http://www.meetup.com - that has worked for some on the boards)
4)go to the mall
5)check out the magazines/books at barnes and noble or borders
6)read a book/write at starbucks
7)volunteer at a hospital/nursing home

Wow - if you did each one of these you'd have 7 weeks taken care of..

Thoughts??

[Have Faith]

EM - I read your whole sitch and I really feel for you. You have been doing this for over a year. I don't think that I could do that. I just cring to think that this would go on longer then a year.

My H moved out to a friends house one week ago and it is so unsettling because I know that he can be with OW whenever he wants now. I just have to stop obsessing with it. We were getting so close and now I feel like all the hard work will have not be worth it. He even told me that he was 90% back to me. How I'm afraid that the scales will start shifting to her side. I guess that if that is the case, then it is better for me to find out now and not a year from now.

I'm going to try the LRT and 180 for 1 month. If I don't see any positive changes, then I stop. Maybe by then I won't care. I doubt that.

Brainstorming
1)Well I already do my grocery shopping Saturday day. Don't think I want to move this to the evenings.
2)A movie might be fun. I don't have any problem doing this alone. My friends are married so it would probably have to be by myself.
3)I belong to a golf club and I could spend a couple of hours there, but I would be by myself and that would really peak the interest of some of the other members (threat to the married women and prey for the single men).
4)The mall would be ok for a while. I would probably spend money
5)I do enjoy going to the bookstores and looking at books. I could at least do that for a couple of hours.
6)I do like to read. Maybe reading at one of the local coffee houses for a while would at least change the atmosphere.
7) At this point volunteering doesn't interest me.
8) I could do a workout at the gym. This can be depressing as my H meet the OW at the gym.
9) I could do one of the above and then have a movie rental available when I went home.

Our annual family golf vacation is coming up the second week of September. My H was suppose to ask for this time off, as he just got a new job in July, but it appears he is too chicken to request one week of unpaid vacation, because he keeps procastanating asking. I told him yesterday that I would go ahead an make arrangements without him. Told him that we would all miss him and I was real sweet.

I have a single golf buddy that I have told H that I might take. (H wasn't keen on this) My golf buddy knows my sitch, and I have told him that we could only be friends and that he would have to accept our relationship this way or not at all. I have always been very up front with him. I know that he would like more, but he knows there isn't anymore. Not even if my H were gone. I'm just not attracted to him. Nice guy and fun, but nothing else.

My H ask me to meet him in the park for lunch and I told him I was busy. I guess this is the first part of my 180 and LRT. He is suppose to be over to the house Saturday morning to get the oil changed in my car. Has not mentioned anything about getting together Saturday night. This just breaks my heart. We are golfing on Sunday.

Faith

[LL44]

Do not mention Saturday night. And go elsewhere with a good book that morning when he is changing the oil, or go for a walk. Anything!!! But don't forget to thank him.

[ediemarie]

Hi Faith - thanks for reading my sitch. I appreciate that! Yes, it's been a crazy year, but in retrospect it hasn't been that awful. YOu would think that I would feel like it were, but it hasn't been the worst year of my life. Isn't that crazy? I wonder if that means something...hmm...

I know that what you are going through is so difficult. Hang in there. Remember that your goal is to formulate a HEALTHY marriage. You are doing well. And I agree with LWB, find something to do on Saturday. But thank him - maybe have coffee waiting or a snack out for him with a little note of thanks, but don't actually be there. Can you imagine the intrigue you will generate with a thank you card that has a flirty note in it saying sorry I couldn't be here, have this "snack/coffee/whatever" and think of me. Hmmm...he will be wondering the whole time. You want to get him to think about you.

You are going to be great, Faith. Hang in there!! You will see results quicker than you think and that should provide some incentive for you to keep doing the stuff that works.

Em

[Have Faith]

EM and LWB - Thank you both for your input. I already know what I would say about Saturday night if it came up and that would be "Thank you for asking. I wish you would have asked me earlier to do X, but I already have plans." Something like that. I don't know for sure what I'm going to do, but it will be something.

As for tomorrow morning and not being here when he comes to get my car to have the oil changed, it is going to be difficult to be gone, as he will need my car. We don't live in an area that has mass transit. I could go for a walk, but I'm not sure when he is going to be coming by. Sometime in the morning. Also the locksmith is coming over to re-key a sticky lock sometime in the morning. But the thought about the card it a good one. I could leave a thank you note on the seat of my car for him.

He called me this morning about some business things. Didn't talk long. He thinks that I'm going golfing at a prestigious country club with a man. I'm not. I'm golfing at my own club, but he doesn't have to know that. In fact he mentioned it in an e-mail this morning and then again when he called to talk business. He asked what time my tee time was.

I miss him so much. My bed is so lonely. I want my husband and my marriage back. Not the husband and the marriage that I had, but one with respect, commitment and love.

Faith

[ediemarie]

Hi - it sounds like you have your plans all lined up - that's great! It seems like a good plan too. In regard to the lonely bed: the only thing that helped me was sleeping on his side of the bed. When I was on my side I was aware that he wasn't there, when I was on his side it was like a new sleeping experience so I didn't think about him not being there - I don't know, maybe i'm just weird - eventually I ended up sleeping diagonally and was annoyed when he came back. How's that for detaching!!

I know this sucks, and is so difficult, but you are really doing well! Better than most...

em

[Kali]

EM I sleep on H's side of the bed now, and my D5 sleeps on my old side. LOL