Oooh, Heimlich, that's an interesting point. My DH said that the disconnect in our understanding of the situation colored every interaction. I can make the point that his (inappropriate) emotional connection to this woman also colors every interaction, so that even if they're "just friends," the kids could easily sense that something is off.
Now, this brings up the question of what he tells them. "I'm going rafting with our friends like we did before, but this time you can't go." I made the point last night that I didn't want to lie to the kids outright, and I'm putting him in a similar situation, am I not?
I can't tell you how much I'm praying for that rock.
What if you make alternate plans so that you'll already be doing something if/when your H brings it up? Also, why does your H need to mention it to the kids? Is he that self-centered that he can't keep his mouth shut for their good?
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Hi Puddle! Things seem to be moving pretty fast for you but carry on regardless - he is the confused one. Great that he accepted your boundaries about the dates/phone. What a goal you scored.
I think the basement idea stinks. Would you be prepared to live like that?
As far as taking the kids out with mutual friends, I think that's grossly unfair on you and the kids. It'll only cause more confusion all round and may distress the kids, depending on H behaviour.
On the plus side, he has accepted some boundaries, maybe you could work out some more regarding the kids?
"I don't want the kids to go rafting. You may not be dating OW, but you're involved with her emotionally in a way and to an extent that you haven't been with me for a while. You mentioned last night that for you the disconnect in our understanding of what you're doing colors our interactions, and though I trust you wouldn't consciously act in a way that would make the kids wonder what's going on, I think your relationship with her colors your interactions in a way that could be confusing to them.
I'll plan something fun with them and be out of the house before you go." (Thanks, Heimlich.)
Then I wrote a nice, friendly closing. What do you think?
This isn't going well. His behavior toward me right now is so cold that the kids are eventually going to wonder what's up. Though he agreed in theory last night that they don't need to know any sooner than they have to, he's not putting any effort into "acting normal" right now. Maybe this is that famed "being true to himself" he's talking about.
Can't wait to hear how/if he responds.
bar, regarding the basement apartment, I don't know whether I could accept it. By the time the thing was done, though, I think I will probably have moved on. And if our relationship were friendly then, it would probably be best for the kids. I can't say right now, though.
I think I'm going to add me a signature line: I'm not crazy.
Thanks, everybody, for the triage. I really needed help there, and I'm sure it won't be the last time!
I was looking for them in the Wise DBers archive and then remembered that I had actually saved them. Here they are:
Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example.
Quote:
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Last edited by Heimlich; 08/24/0711:04 PM.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Those are definitely good advices! I sure need to take heed to them! A lot of things are easier said than done... But try we must!
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
