why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Dom R]

Because of this brainwashing (for lack of a better term), I don't "get" how to detach/let go without being "done".

thoughts on that, a little free-flowing, 'cause I dont have long today:

what is meant by detatching, in this context, is choosing not to torment yourself by their choice of actions .
It is in some ways, learning to be not co-dependant. It is uncoupling your own happiness, by how that one person treats you.

It is learning to step back and let them make their own choices.

It's a "I do not control my husband" mantra.
It's "he is not a perfect person, he does not always have my health and wellbeing in mind, and I need to understand that" attitude .

or to put it another way, it's a form of dropping expectations, and trading it for hope.

EXPECTATION: "We are MARRIED! he's my husband! he shouldnt be xxxxxx.... he SHOULD be yyyyyyy! he's not doing that, and it hurts me!!"

HOPE: "I understand that my husband is not committed to me right now. It makes me sad that he does xxxx. But it does not 'surprise' or 'shock' me. I dont expect him to act differently, although i wish that he would. Without expectations, there is no surprise or shock.
I *hope* that some day, he will choose to value me again, and be committed to me again. But I am no longer surprised when he does not act that way.

I do not and cannot control his choices. I can only hope that he makes different choices and commitments some time in the future."

This is complemented very well, with a new-found attitude of,
"I would very much LIKE to be with my husband. but I dont *need* to be with my husband: I can enjoy life without him"
Doing the latter, helps greatly with the former.

That's roughly how I'm trying to live, anyways.


It's tough to live your life this way. It is a very unselfish, sacrificial thing to do. Current modern social teachings, do not value self-sacrifice, and favour just going out and finding someone else and "making yourself happy", after a token effort.

which is obviously why the divorce rate keeps climbing higher and higher.
marriage cannot thrive, in an environment of "me, me, me".