Hm. I'm not sure why you would 'hide' your hurt. Why are you not allowed to hurt? Why can your girls not watch you work through it in a healthy way?
OP don't have to see the hurt? Or are you just talking about a waste dump of emotion on anyone close by, just so you can feel better?
GGB:
K. I think this is going to cover masculine/feminine energy, processing feelings, and getting 'stuck.'
I've been having 'words' with the ex over the past few days on an issue. I have to say, I can pull out the stops on my masculine energy and ramp up to battle mode with that man faster than greased lightning. I won't even go into all the emotions that invade my body...
I could feel it happening. I had to keep the 'end goal' in mind, even though it would have felt, at least for a moment, so wonderful to let loose all those emotions roiling through me. I was doing an okay job of it.
When my masculine energy, IN ME, starts to emerge, I begin to emotionally withdraw from the world. A form of 'protection' as I prepare myself for battle. This is what my emotions are directing me to do. Everything feminine in me begins to fade.
However. **I** did not want this to occur. But whether I wanted it or not, I was struggling so hard against myself, and quite honestly, what I wanted was taking a back seat to my emotions.
I didn't spew. I knew what was going on... and in the midst of this, my bf is in the pix, and he has no clue what is going on with me, other than seeing this very stoic, controlled Corri, who was trying really hard not to take his head off for things that had zero meaning. My emotions were seeking an outlet.
I got stuck. My attraction and attractiveness dropped, my sex drive fell off the map, I didn't want to touch, I didn't want to be touched. THIS IS A PROBLEM for me. This is not ME deciding this. These are my emotions taking control.
I explained to bf what was going on with me. Asked him to give me a bit of space and some time to work through my 'stuff.' I wanted to set aside my emotions to 'connect' with him, especially sexually... I just couldn't get there. The best I could do in the moment was tell him what was going on, and STOP my mental nitpicking of his behaviors that were bugging the ever living fck out of ME.
Next day, I was still dealing with the ex. I was concentrating on doing what I KNOW works with him, rather than giving in and entering into battle mode (getting in the sh!t) with him. And oh, boy, I so wanted to. I kept reminding myself of MY objective. I got there. I don't know that I got there as well as I might have, but... I'm going to call it a personal victory (of keeping my feminine energy up enough to stay on task)... as I DIDN'T give in to my emotions demands.
And now I'm fcking exhausted. This is the struggle I've been talking about... the emotions are there. Period. They were extremely intense, and there intensity was going up and down over the past two days, as I battled myself internally. I have no right to let loose my emotions on anyone... not my ex, not my bf, not even against myself. They just have to be ridden out... and NOT buried. As the intensity has subsided, I can now talk about them and let the last of them wash through.
I went and worked out this morning for an hour, then I went and danced for an hour, to help my body flush it all through.
There is nothing good or bad about my emotions, per se. They are mine. What I choose to do with them is another matter. I'd rather be in a feminine state of energy as I decide what to do with them, for it feels more natural to me, easier, if I can stay there. If my masculine takes over, I struggle, I fight myself, I fight others, I can't 'deal' with life so well, and any little stress might 'set me off.'
To get back to where I want to be, I think of my 'purpose,' and how I want to live my life. I keep in mind how wonderful I feel in the feminine, I set a very, very short-term goal of getting through the immediate internal 'crisis,' and proceed as best I can.
I'd probably benefit right now from a really good, long cry, just to get rid of any lingering residue. If that feeling hits, I'm going to let it happen. For my overall health, and the health of my current R.
I posted over on MoJo's thread yesterday, griping and moaning about my current R and bf, and all these decisions I think I have to make, yadda, yadda, yadda. That's DRAMA. That's me attempting to rip stuff apart and create a really BIG personal crisis, so I can operate from a lifetime of habit (what SEEMS easy). On the surface, it is. Giving into that, however, and dealing with what comes next, is anything BUT easy, and keeps me out of kilter. I KNOW that.
This is me confronting myself and I don't like it, not one little bit. But too bad, so sad for me. Liking it isn't the objective. It being EASY isn't the objective. Changing the habit, changing my patterns, recovering my feminine IS.
If I wanted to be RIGHT, more than any of these other things, I'd have quite a mess on my hands right now.
I hope this helps. I'm sure I'm blathering, but I'm not quite back to center yet... sorry.
