Thanks for the encouragement all. I do appreciate it and should take it to heart. Well I have S the whole weekend to think about continuing to DB or not.
Well I'm going to rewrite the divorce papers today, W's will not stand in court and I'd rather get it right the first time so that the vague aspects aren't reopened after 3 months when no one can agree.
S is not doing well at all. Just a reminder that he is 2.5 years. He cries all night long. He plays aggresive, and then does the zone out for 30 minute intervals. At night when he cries he won't let me hold him and if I so much as touch him, he hits me, moves away and curles up into a little ball. It is the sadest thing I have ever seen. He is just having the hardes time adjusting.
This morning I went to drop him off and for the first time in about a week he let me hold him. He wouldn't let me leave for work and when she tried to touch him he hit her and said "Mom not home." Exactly the same of what I have been getting. Well W is crying asking why is he like this and I explain it has been going on for weeks. Then she gets upset and says why haven't I told her, to which I explain that is what I have been talking about but you say I'm manipulating.
Well I kept my cool and I could tell she started being nice, I could tell she felt horrible guilt. She asked what we should do, I swear she is putting out feelers and signals to see where I stand, but I can't put myself out there right now emotionally, I'm sick of getting hit by the stick. I told her that he will just have to learn to adjust and this is how divorce goes.
I wish she could open her eyes and see what she is doing to everyone around her. How her selfish behaviors are destructive to herself and our S. I'm not worried about myself, I see what I did wrong and will move on fine, but I really worry about those two, they are going to have a hard time with life and relationships.
S is not doing well at all. Just a reminder that he is 2.5 years. He cries all night long. He plays aggresive, and then does the zone out for 30 minute intervals. At night when he cries he won't let me hold him and if I so much as touch him, he hits me, moves away and curles up into a little ball. It is the sadest thing I have ever seen. He is just having the hardes time adjusting.
I am really sorry to hear this. I can only imagine what all of this is doing to him. He must be scared to death. I am lucky in a way becuase we don't have any children, so it is only me that is scared to death. I don't have any advice for you other than to make sure that he feels loved. He needs some stability right now so try and be that for him. This aspect of divorce/separation makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine what it must be like.
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Well I kept my cool and I could tell she started being nice, I could tell she felt horrible guilt. She asked what we should do, I swear she is putting out feelers and signals to see where I stand, but I can't put myself out there right now emotionally, I'm sick of getting hit by the stick. I told her that he will just have to learn to adjust and this is how divorce goes.
I think you are right to make her realize the grim reality of the situation. I don't think she has really come to terms with what is going to occur. A little touch here and there of what things will be like may wake her up a bit.
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I wish she could open her eyes and see what she is doing to everyone around her. How her selfish behaviors are destructive to herself and our S. I'm not worried about myself, I see what I did wrong and will move on fine, but I really worry about those two, they are going to have a hard time with life and relationships.
This very thing could have come out of my mouth, or anyone else's on this board. The thing is that most WA's cannot see much other than themselves when they are at this point. They care only for what makes them happy. They don't want to be bothered with anything else. I think in a way she may be looking to you to "fix" anything that she is not willing to deal with. That is why she asks what should "we" do.
I am glad you seem to be able to detach. I still have a long way to go in that category. But hopefully I will not be far behind you. I think that a LBS being able to detach is what brings a lot of WA's back around to work on the R. It seems that right before a lot of people throw in the towel, the WA decides that they want to work on things. Hoping that happens in your situation. Great job.
Stew
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
It seems that right before a lot of people throw in the towel, the WA decides that they want to work on things.
Stew,
Quick thought on this, not sure if it's right, but it feels right. It's not quite throwing in the towel it's more of really finally understanding a few things about yourself: 1. I'm really gonna be OK, no matter what happens 2. This M might end (see 1) 3. While I have flaws, I have a lot to offer in my next R (with present S or someone else) (again, see 1) 4. I've done the best that I could to save this R. The door is open, but I'm living my life (see 1)
To me, it's almost like when you really realize for the first time what a doofas/ass/control freak/inconsiderate/insert your flaw here person you were in your M and how that got you to a failed R. But, instead of "Jesus, I was a freaking idiot" it's "OK, I made some mistakes, but I've corrected/am correcting them and I'm going to have a good life."
That make sense to either of you?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Breaks my heart to hear about your son. Not sure what's going to happen as I move into my new place, but I'll let you know if I think of anything that can help as my girls adjust.
I will tell you that my parents D'ed when I was 3ish. I have no idea what happened, nor do I want to and have never asked how I behaved, but I turned out alright. Your son will to.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
You both sound like you are very good fathers which is nice to see. Why do the WAS seemed so f'ed up in the heads even where their children are concerned.
My H stopped up last night to bring some things up. He is going to take the kids on every other weekend but I asked him on his off weekends about spending a few hours on a Sat or Sun with his kids so that they can see him. I still can't believe his response to me. He is too busy, he has to much to do, if he is up in my area then maybe he will think about. wtf? They are his kids and he doesn't want to spend any extra time with them. He said well if you want me to do that then we will adjust the child support amount. For a few extra hours. He is a real a-hole that he can devote his time to everything else and OW but his kids are a burden to him???? Me and the kids will be way better off without him. This is the same attitude of his that pushed me away so far from him that I didn't know how to get back.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
Sorry about the H's response, I know there have been times when I have passed up taking the S, for one she needs to see and meet her responsibility and not be out partying all the time, and two sometimes it is so hard to see her at even at the child swap. I wouldn't take it so personally against the children, H might be having a hard time dealing.
Alright, I have been tagged hook, line and sinker. Picked S up tonight and W was all done up, looked amazing. I couldn't believe it, but didn't say anything because I figured it was for her night out and it irked me. Well she asked me in and was really nice. Wanted me to stick around for the afternoon, but I just couldn't, so S and I left. Well he is sick.
So S and I spend the afternoon together and he takes a turn for the worst. I decide to take him to the doc and call W. She is sleeping at 9pm and not out, hmmm. Well she arrives and is really put off by me. Won't even look at me, keeps acting like this is my fault.
Well after the prognosis I get ready to leave and head to the pharmacy. W asks if she can come along and then I can drop her off after words. So we all go, and I go in and get the meds. Now she is totally being nice again, even catch her looking at me a few times and smiling. She asks if she can spend the night at the house for S's sake and say no problem. She even says lets get some beers and make a night of it. After I say alright, she backes right out. W has to be at work at 7 and uses that as the excuse.
I take her to her car and inadvertantly call her what I call friends, she stops and makes a joke and I say what would you like me to call you, she says her name and then says why don't we start there and see where it goes. Where what goes?????
Well she comes around to my side of the car and lingers for a bit, I ask if she has her keys and say I'll wait to make sure her car starts. She says thanks for caring and tells me I'm a good dad. Oh it hurts!
Well we get home and about 20 minutes later she calls, now she wants to call tomorrow during work to check on him, and she wants to come by tomorrow and do something as a family. I agreed, but I'm so torn, I can't start this again, but I would love things to work.
This is really weird since there aren't even good night calls for S between anymore, no calls unless necessary and since she gave me the unfilled divorce papers. Maybe she is trying for the last wake up, who knows.
One another note, she drops these weird vibes like she wants to work things out also. She told me her new (old) friend, going through a D as well, had her H arrested after he went on a rambage in the house and kicked and punched holes in the wall. I told her that wasn't right and she needs to move on, but W says friend really wants things to work and they have been talking a lot about how to make M work. Then she changes the subject. I know blatent hit in the face, but is it a test to see if I'm still there so she feels comfortable with leaving? I don't know.
She is totally testing you IMHO, Atlas, and I believe she's pretty much been doing this since the separation. I have to say I feel like she's toying with you to some extent. I mean, asking you to have some beers and make a night of it, then backing out after you say yes? That seems kind of ruthless, to me. If I was in your shoes (and I know it's easy to say this), I would not accept things like that at this point. I think you need to take a stand. You said you don't want to go through this back and forth stuff with her anymore, but here you are once again. Maybe the next time she invites you to do something, tell her that you appreciate the offer, but it hurts you how she pulls you back and forth the way she does. Tell her that neither of you benefit from this, and that it isn't healthy for either of you to continue this way. Say that she needs to find herself -- figure out who she is and who she wants to be, and that until she can do this a full separation/divorce that is completely business-like in nature is what is best for you and your own emotional sanity.
I'm sure you can find your own words/ideas, but that is just what came to mind for me. It's time to really look inward and ask yourself what you really want and what is best for you. IMHO, your W has a lot of sorting out to do, and she's not going to be able to do it under these conditions. If you continue to enable her by always showing her you will be there for her and that she can fall back on you whenever she wants, I don't think it will good for either of you. I could be wrong, though -- it's just my opinion. I wish we could see what a DB coach would say, given the circumstances of your R over the last few months.
If you can continue dealing with W's swings as they are, then by all means continue doing so. I would just set up some boundaries w/ W for your own well being. I think she will be more likely to work on herself and get better if you do so.
Hope you're still getting better health-wise. Talk with you later.
Hey Atlas, seems like W opens the castle door and then you leav ethe picnic and walk to the door. I have a little diff suggestion from GD. Try "Thanks, but not tonight." Don't bother on the rest of explaining your feelings. If she asks you why not, give a short answer like you are tired.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
I've followed your situation since the beginning and feel compelled to contribute.
I have to concur with dlt1's last comment. The next time she extends an offer, politely decline because you have other plans (or if you're with your son, that you don't feel like it or aren't in the mood). Don't engage in any relationship talk and don't volunteer any details regarding your plans. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that her mind games, which they might very well be, are affecting you. In order to be truly detached, you need to keep your feelings to yourself at this point. I know quite well from experience that an aura of mystery regarding one's life can really make the LBS question what he/she is missing. Go back to your picnic - you don't need to tell her where your picnic is or what's in the picnic basket.
