DH and I talked about telling the kids last night. I told him I didn't see any reason to tell them until their lives are affected, and that in response to the as-yet-unposed question "Why is he sleeping in our room?" the answer "Because he's more comfortable there" might be enough (and honest enough) for now. He weighed it and said, "Okay." Said he hadn't really thought about it and that made sense.
So I guess when he said there was lots to talk about, he meant he wanted to hear what I thought.
But then he raised the question of wanting to bring the kids with him with someone else. I told him I thought it was best for them to leave them out of it until he knows that person is going to be around for a while. He proposed that it wouldn't be a problem or confusing to them if they agreed to behave in a way that didn't give the kids any more information than he and I had agreed to. Said it'd be just like me taking them to the beach or camping with a friend. Oh man. What he was saying essentially was, "This is all about you and what you're comfortable with." Finally I said I would err on the side of caution when it comes to the kids.
He went on to say what if there's someone I'm attracted to and interested in getting to know better, etc. I reiterated that I have no intention of dating, and if I did, I'd do it without the kids. He made the point that he just doesn't have that much free time, so essentially he'd like to combine interests. Jerk.
He went on to start another discussion about what's going on with him, and how if I really understood it I couldn't say, "I understand but I disagree." There'd be nothing to disagree with. His latest analogy---wait for it---is that if he were to discover he's gay, I couldn't say I understand but disagree. With what? That he's gay? I agreed I wouldn't see that as a choice. He feels so strongly and clearly that, as he said, he doesn't "want to be here." So it ended up being this long-winded rhetorical argument. He desperately wants me to understand him and let him off the hook.
I actually laughed a couple times because it was so ridiculous. He said it's important that we close that gap in our versions because he's uncomfortable if we don't. I asked him specifically what I've been doing to make him feel uncomfortable, and he said "Nothing, but that kind of disconnect colors every interaction." Just knowing it's there makes him uncomfortable to the point that he avoids me. Not my problem.
I asked him what he wants from me. He said ideally a real friend and an active partner as a coparent. He asked me what I want and I said, "In this situation that you treat me with respect. And that when you think about what you're going to do in any situation, that you consider what's best for the kids."
This began another entire rhetorical argument about "what's best for the kids," he says he can't know in his "own little brain," I spend more time with them, etc, so we need to discuss things. He might think it's best to be honest, blah blah blah. He said, "For the kids it would be best if nothing changed. For example, it would be best if I were to stay in the bed so they don't notice anything." I said, "You've said you're too uncomfortable to sleep in the bed, and it would be best for them if you did. So in that case, you've chosen your comfort over what you think is best for them. That's why I asked you to consider them before you act."
Now, I don't expect him to move back into the bed, and I realize moving back in for the kids wouldn't be ideal. To be honest, though, seeing him choose them over his comfort would be reassuring.
In arguing why in his situation there's nothing to work on, he said, "You can't be another person." That's what he's been telling me in other words since the beginning. You're not what I want, can't ever be. He said he has no doubts, doesn't want to wake up later and regret that he didn't make changes to make himself happy, said even if he goes off looking for it and doesn't find it it will still have been the best thing because he needs to be true to himself. Says it would be more selfish to stay and live a lie.
He can't imagine the possibility of being happy with me, ever. Says he doesn't even want it, and how can I think that can be fixed? I said, "You're right. If you don't want it, it can't be fixed." He said, "If the wanting can't be fixed, then how can you argue that you disagree with what I'm doing?" It would make sense to be sad and disappointed, but not to disagree.
He also implied there's something wrong with me that in the face of hearing how utterly unhappy my partner is that my reaction isn't to ask myself, "Hmmm, how could I have been happy with a partner who is sooooo unhappy?" He's assuming, of course.
It was an awkward conversation. Again I asked him if he was angry, because he was clearly frustrated by my thick-headedness.
I'm tired of this going in circles, as he is. He's bound and determined to make me see the light. I told him he's right, if he doesn't want it, it won't happen, that even if he did want it, it would take a ton of work. Moot point, since he doesn't. He knows his need for understanding is selfish. I guess that email will be coming soon.
So at this point everything I'm doing really does have to be about me. I give us about a 99-1 shot right now, odds I'd be foolish to take.
Sorry this is so long. I'm working it out as I go. Ironically, part of his argument that I'm not the one for him is that I don't understand him (or that it takes too much work to), and that's what he's seeing now. So I guess I'm just proving his point, yet again.
