Cali, Just hang in there...It sounds like you did have a good conversation. I know how it feels about them just wanting to be friends. My H is the same way. He wants that but doesn't want me involved in any of his stuff. We are business wise of course. He just wants to live his own life. I am like you if I would have known about DB before when he was willing to try again maybe things would have worked out differently. but now he just holds resentments against me. Is it not amazing the control in little ways they have over us....
Thanks Penny. Yes, I don't even think that H knows the control he has. I am trying to detach so that he does not have that control over me at all anymore.
I am the same way. I am getting better at detaching but sometimes I find my self even just wanting to hear his voice on the phone or even a phone call. Its hard to just become ther friend. I still read over and over the article that Bobelina posted on my thread and you cali about detaching. It is a life saver. My oldest son is an anchor to me too. He tells me just let it go and move ahead. If dad trys to be negative just say I don't deal with negative anymore. I agree that I don't think they realize the control they have. In fact I'm just realizing to what degree the control my H had on me. I didn't even think about it. I came and went as I pleased and did what I wanted but when you look back its funny what you see that you didn't before.
We have all gotten stronger since we have become friends on here and everyone has grown a little. Thanks for the support it has helped...
I like that he doesn't see you as a threat to his relationship with OW. Keep him in that direction and insist that he's with her. I'm sure in the beginning he didn't see her as a threat to his marriage either. There's a good descrption of how this can happen in "Not 'Just Friends'" I can't remember the exact analogy, but it was described as something like stepping in a frying pan that heats up very slowly, one is not even aware of it, but before you realize it you're stuck in the mist of a boiling pan and can't get out.
I used to see it as a challenge to get my husband to have an "affair" with me while he was with OW. Of course, I had to try and keep a good mental perspective on this because I'm not an "affair" type of person and it did make me feel uncomfortable and used. But as long as I was legally married to my husband I felt it was okay. Once the D was over I'd never be physically intimate with him again. That was where I decided to draw the line.
Keep tantilizing your H (why not?!!! make this harder for him and OW!!!). If he was attracted to you once, he can be attracted to you again. Another thing... try to logically analize what he's getting from the affair and try to be that. My husband wanted a fun and social party girl rather than the happy content safe wife who had never been in a bar and only drank one margarita a year (sadly, I think these are roles his parents had... A wife who was the perfect mom and content housewife, while his father had affairs with fun-loving, party-girls... well... I may have been the perfect mom and predictable housewife but.... if I want to do something, I do it well and no OW is going to out-fun, out-sexy and out-party me!!!! She might think she does it well... but I can do it better!!!! LOL!!!). Anyhow, that was my attitude. I didn't know where it would lead me. I figured, it might not save my marriage, but it was worth a try and at the least perhaps he'd later regret the decision.
Because if you are pretty good... OW will have a lot to "live up to" to make the whole thing worth it. Is she really that great? Is she actually worth him losing the family he created, the daily parenting of his kids, half the assests he has acquired up until a divorce, retirement, savings, etc... All I can say is OP better be worth it!
And the higher your value is, the more she has to live up to!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My husband wanted a fun and social party girl rather than the happy content safe wife who had never been in a bar and only drank one margarita a year
This is exactly what she is to him. I was and am the one to do everything, to run the house, etc. But I took it to far, and put to much on my plate, and forgot to make room for myself and my marriage. That is my fault in it. She makes him feel wanted, needed, and she does not give him any slack for his drinking since she drinks just as much as him. She is one of the supervisors at work, and they all hang out, she is like one of the guys. Everyone who knows her agrees she is not attractive at all, but to my H that doesn't matter, she makes him feel like the most perfect person in the world.
I am GALing and I realize that his commment yesterday about asking if I am doing this for myself was his way to make sure I wasn't doing this for him, or to get him back. He always asks that, because he does not want me to "hurt". I am honestly enjoying my GAL time and feeling like I really am starting to detach. I am becoming healthy, and spend less and less time thinking about him and the OW and more and more time feeling sorry for the both of them, because they really do not see what they have gotten themselves into.
All my friends tell me they always thought I could have done much better then him and say that maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I sort of agree, but I will continue to DB and GAL and put the rest in God's hands. If he wants to come back, he is going to have to want it all on his own and I finally realized that. I am sure him hanging out here does not make OW happy at all, but to bad. LOL
I LIKE your attitude!!! And I like that you are learning to enjoy your life more and beginning to DB more for you than him!!!
Sure, we do want our marriages to stay together, but we need to DB for us too.
Just so he doesn't think you are doing this for him specifically, you can say that you are finding that going out with friends is a lot more fun than you realized, and gosh, you just didn't realize how attractive and fun you are!!!! If you continue to be busy, and not always available for him... he will realize it's not for him. (Like arrange for a fun night out during his birthday party!) And then every once in awhile (start off very slow with this) you throw out a bite (like fishing! Hee hee!!!!), invite him to do something... then be VERY busy again. He will realize he's not the center of your universe, but a friend on the outskirts... and that will be good. Safe for him... but it might be a little interesting for him too.... mystery...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
