There was so much in that post and conversation with your H. He is asking you for time.
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-"Don't box me in J, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hurting you & the kids with this. I can't just jump back in right now."
I take this to say dont force me into a decision right now. If you were to force him I think the decision would be to get it over with as he is in pain and it could be the perceived quick way out. Stick with what you are doing and do not preasure your H , You know this so dont know why I am writing it down
This is all very good news!!! Do you suspect also that he might be getting "tired or bored" w/ OW? Does he ever talk or complain about her? My H does this every now & then, but I wonder if its only to "keep me hanging". After two months of h talking about moving back & still nothing and after two weeks of hot sex encounters he has started to back off.
I know some people dont like the idea of still having sex,but Michelle states that if it doesn't affect the lbs'r BADLY then also if it keeps connection btw the two of you to keep at it. At the beginning I couldn't handle it would make me feel used, NOT anymore, I kinda feel sometimes like if I AM USING HIM! Its kinda casual for me now.
((((CHICKI))))!!! You know I cant take this kind of talk!
Hi Sunny
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
While we were having the convo, the phone kept ringing. He started doing that laughing thing again, saying, "your other guy is prolly getting nervous that you're talking to your H."
As important as it is for us to the good groundwork about space, patience, etc etc, the trigger point almost always seems to be when the WA thinks someone else is moving in. Not even when we detach, but when we start disappearing for weekends and come back with big smiles - keep this up. Be kind, and patient, but continue to weave that mystery
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
H-"Don't box me in J, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hurting you & the kids with this. I can't just jump back in right now."
Yup, and there will be more of this, if he is true to the WAS form. There will almost certainly be some re-writing of history, so the less you say, the less he will have to 're-write'. Although he is not yet ready to look at the long term, he is right in that 'boxing in' anything would be unconstructive.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
He'll be back on Friday night to stay downstairs. I'll be going out, so he'll have lot's of space.
So, on & on it went, with him saying he just didn't know what to do. Seems that there are 3 choices; A marriage between 2 people that love each other & the kids get the benefit of that. A D, where there is a friendly atmosphere & good co-parenting. Or, A D, where there is hostility & everyone suffers.
I said that if I understand him correctly, he's leaning towards #2, & that's Ok, he needs to make the best choices for himself.
H-"Don't box me in J, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hurting you & the kids with this. I can't just jump back in right now."
It's simply amazing to me how befuddled he becomes at being turned loose. So, perhaps the thing that is the hardest--the turning loose, the abdication of all control--is the real secret.
As important as it is for us to the good groundwork about space, patience, etc etc, the trigger point almost always seems to be when the WA thinks someone else is moving in. Not even when we detach, but when we start disappearing for weekends and come back with big smiles - keep this up. Be kind, and patient, but continue to weave that mystery
Thanks for your feedback Slowly, it's amazingly accurate. While I've done a great job in creating mystery, I've found in the last couple of weeks that I rush in to give a few clues to solve the mystery when I see he's squirming. That, o/c is met with instant distancing & a push back.
After my party, I tried to make up for not inviting him by being a little extra nice, forgetting that it translates into pursuing.
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Yup, and there will be more of this, if he is true to the WAS form. There will almost certainly be some re-writing of history, so the less you say, the less he will have to 're-write'. Although he is not yet ready to look at the long term, he is right in that 'boxing in' anything would be unconstructive.
I said too much in the last couple of days & got a dose of rewriting as a result. Apparently, H is afraid of being around me right now b/c we argued so much in the last 3 yrs. It doesn't matter that we're not arguing now, b/c he has "muscle memory" as a result. How does the LBS get by that one, you don't even have to have an argument, they know that there's one just waiting to come out. At least the time frame of us being so unhappy has moved up from 8yrs to 3yrs.
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It's simply amazing to me how befuddled he becomes at being turned loose. So, perhaps the thing that is the hardest--the turning loose, the abdication of all control--is the real secret.
Maybe I've been trying to turn him loose so I can take a breather from the R, such as it is. It's been a pattern with me to "turn people loose", so I don't have to continue with the hard work of staying steady in my resolve. It does seem that the more I hand control of his decisions over, the more he digs his heals in.
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Not feeling the best are we ???
Must have been a great party then ??
Sadly Dave, I was a little "off" for a few days after, had a wonderful time though & "bonded" with some new friends, so I think it was worth it.
I'll do a separate post for Nomo, he's put a lot of time in the last couple of days.
