If I am the one?

[mkultra]

ARTICLE FROM MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Q: Can all relationships be fixed after an affair?
Dr. G. No. What I look for is how the unfaithful partner shows empathy for the pain that they have caused when the betrayed spouse starts acting crazy.

Q: In what way do they act crazy?
Dr. G. They?re very emotional. They cry easily, their emotions flip-flop. They are hypervigilant. They want to look at the beeper. They have flashbacks. In the car they hear a country-western song and start crying, or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common posttraumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic and upsetting to them and their partner. How much compassion the partner has for that is one of the benchmarks.
Another sign of salvageability lies in how much responsibility the unfaithful partner is willing to take for the choice they made, regardless of problems that pre-existed in the marriage. (We definitely need to work on the weaknesses of the marriage, but not to justify the affair.) If the unfaithful partner says, "you made me do it," that?s not as predictive of a good outcome as when the partner says, "we should have gone to counseling before this happened to deal with the problems." Sometimes the unfaithful partner really doesn?t regret the affair, because it was very exciting.
One of the big strains between the partners in the primary relationship is the way they perceive the affair partner.
Q: How so?
Dr. G. A lot of the anger and the rage the betrayed spouse feels is directed toward the affair partner rather than the marital partner: "that person doesn?t have any morals;" "that person was exploitative." "That person?s a home wrecker." To believe that of the marital partner would make it difficult to stay in the relationship.
At the same time, the person who had the affair may still be idealizing the affair partner. The unfaithful spouse perceives the affair partner as an angel, whereas the betrayed person perceives an evil person.
It?s important at some point in the healing process for the involved person to see some flaws in the affair partner, so that they can partly see what their partner, the betrayed spouse, is telling them. But it?s also important for the betrayed spouse to see the affair partner not as a cardboard character but as a human being who did some caring things.

Q: Is there anything else that helps you gauge the salvageability of a relationship after an affair?
Dr. G. Empathy, responsibility?and the degree of understanding of the vulnerabilities that made an affair possible.

Q: What vulnerabilities?
Dr. G. There are individual vulnerabilities, such as curiosity. Somebody gets invited for lunch, and they go to the house because they?re curious. They must learn that getting curious is a danger sign. Or they learn that if some damsel or guy in distress comes with a sad story, instead of becoming their confessor and their confidante, they give out the name of a great therapist. Knowing what these vulnerabilities are, and understanding them, allows a person to avoid them.