I definately see the danger in the e-mails and it concerns me enough to write about it.
Update, I had a long talk with H last night. I just flat out laid in the line. I told him that we're treading on dangerous ground right now and he said he was painfully aware of that. He wanted to know what has caused all of these steps backwards and I told him that because our sex life was non-existant, it has caused me to rethink why I'm still here. He reassured me that he loves me but he didn't need sex. I asked then why are you married? Answer: I love the companionship, the friendship, the closeness, the loving and he also said that he thought I was a beautiful woman, both inside and outside and any man would find those qualities very attractive and would sweep me up in a minute. I told him that most of the things he's looking for in a wife, he could get from his children. If there isn't any intimicy, then there really isn't anything special about our love. I told him that I love him but he has swiped my innocense away, even if our marriage didn't work out as planned, I would always have a suspicious mind from here on out and that I'm angry about that. He understood. I went back to the sex and he said that most wives would love the fact that they wouldn't be bothered by sex. Is that true? Am I different in this aspect? I told him that I wasn't ready to give up and that's why I'm still here. He told me that I need to let all of this go and that's the only way we can ever rebuild. There of course is some truth in that but I'm not wired that way. The past unfortunately dictates the future. Can we learn from the past? Absolutely! He's learned never to do this again, I've learned never to trust again. Now, let me think? Who is in the better position? I know that I'm being pessimistic, but it is how I feel and I'm trying to be for the first time, honest with myself. I mentioned to him that I thought men wanted sex and he said that's probably true, but he didn't need sex. He told me that he was so over this and he wasn't going to talk about it anymore. So, I've laid it out for him and we got nowhere. Now what?
OBTW, I suggested that Ret. He asked me about it and I told him the basics - it's a way to learn some tools to communicate. He didn't think that was a problem. I just looked at him and said, that is a problem - here I am telling you how I feel and you are taking it as the beginning of the end. He can't help me and that I have to find my peace and decide what makes me happy. He said he also asked himself the same question and he told me that he's never been happier. He has everything in life that he could possibly want except for a happy wife.
Okay folks, disect this for me to help me understand where we are headed.
I went back to the sex and he said that most wives would love the fact that they wouldn't be bothered by sex. Is that true?
It doesn't matter if it's true or not...it's not health. Having a good sex life is beneficial to the mind, body and soul. There are studies that show that sex helps with longevity by providing a boost of DHEA, a hormone that helps with brain function, immunity and healthy skin, as one example.
Your H is hiding. He is scared to do reality with you, for fear of confronting his sexual problems. But you have to let this piece go for now and work on you. Find the resolve to straighten out your marriage. You are hiding as well by saying that you can no longer trust your H and that he has wiped innocence from you. While both those statements are true, it does not mean you can't move forward from there.
Just so you know, my H had an ow too. It is a challenge every day, but neither one of us is running away. My sitch has, of course, different details than yours, but I know that the first step, in all cases, is resolving your own mixed feelings.
The conversation you had with your H is interesting in that I could have taken it almost word for word as to oodles of conversations my H and I have had over the past 6 years but I will tell you this ... and I am not saying the same holds true for your H, but my H in that time frame had two affairs, had a secret cell phone, was gambling, etc etc. You won't believe the stories I could tell you of how we sat there for hours with him telling me what a beautiful woman I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life - blah blah blah. I am not saying your H isn't telling the truth when he tells you what a wonderful person you are, I have heard that hundreds of times too, but what I am saying is it's a cover-up to something much deeper. I am not saying there's even another woman but, unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised about that either. Nothing surprises me anymore because I have heard every lie under the sun, particularly the closer you get to the core. I hope that isn't the case with you but I am very skeptical that you don't fall into the same statistics as the majority of us on the BB
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
While both those statements are true, it does not mean you can't move forward from there.
Actually, for the first time, I think I can move forward. As my innocense was taken, the blinders are off, that's not a bad thing because I now don't take people for their word.
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affairs, had a secret cell phone, was gambling, etc etc.
My IC is of the same opinion. Because of this I asked these questions of my H, straight and direct last night. I asked him if he is visiting T&A bars, massage parlors, secret cell phone, red light districts or masterbation and of course an OW. He said no and asked me where the hell do you come up with this stuff? He told me that my mind was getting the best of me and I need to stop dwelling on this stuff. He also asked me if I'm looking for something to help in making a decision?
I think maybe try being even more direct. Don't suggest, report your boundaries and consequences
When you can say it and mean it: "H unless you participate in Retrouvaille or some other clear effort in which a third party tries to help us with our M, we will not see our next anniversary." (to steal the last bit from GEL.)
Gwen, I was VERY direct with my H numerous times too and he swore black and blue that he wasn't doing anything, even when I had direct proof that I put right in his face. What I am saying here is just because you ask him these things and he says he isn't doing it, doesn't mean he isn't. I have always relied on my gut feeling and to this day, it hasn't proved me wrong. All the times I called H on something and he said it wasn't true, I proven him wrong - EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
Like OT said - you have to be more direct with him, that's exactly what I did and it is slowly but surely turning around - although we still have a long, long way to go
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Okay, I'll be more direct, but that's not what my H wants. He gets very offended when I'm direct and takes it as accusations. As a matter of fact, he said just that last night. He told me that I was accusing him of these things that I was asking. He typically does that, he makes me feel guilty and ashamed that I even had the audacity to ask such questions. Gut feeling? I believe him, but I still have this nagging feeling that something is wrong, even though I don't believe he's doing anything previously mentions, something is going on. I guess I feel the way because he doesn't need sex. He tells me that he desires me, but doesn't need sex. What the heck does that mean?
I know this is not DB, and I don't know how old you are. I suspect it is under 50. You probably have at least 30 more years that you would like to be sexually active. There are some decent reasons for divorce. The lack of a sex life is one of them. Maybe in the 18th century women didn't want sex, but there sure were a lot of children around, so I suspect that wasn't true even then when women were likely to die in childbirth. If he won't cooperate with you and try to fix what's broken, I would encourage you to look elsewhere to fulfill your needs.
He gets very offended when I'm direct and takes it as accusations
Sure sounds familiar - my H says/said the same thing dozens of times - to me that is guilt talking. If you haven't done anything wrong, why would you get offended?
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He tells me that he desires me, but doesn't need sex. What the heck does that mean?
I don't know what it means to you, but when my H said it to me, I instantly thought "then he must be getting it somewhere else" and he was - either through OW, MB or whatever. Your H is too young to not want sex at all, something either in his life or to do with his health is wrong
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Sara, wow. You don't beat around the bush do you? You know what? I could have my needs met right now! But, I can't do this to my h. But, I will not live with the pain of trying to heal from the pain of his A and then be insulted by a sexless marriage. I can only take so much. Am I wrong?
