Hope, I don't know if I've ever "talked" to you on your thread. I just read your last post. I didn't realize he had had previous affairs. I think you should be proud that you stood for your vows and your M, but know that you will be in a much better place in say a year from now. I think you are right when you have said once the D is final, you will be able to move on. If he wasn't putting 100% into YOU and into your M, and was having other A's and now this one, you honestly do deserve better. I understand that you are hurting and that all of that doesn't make anything better at the moment, but I truly believe in the end you will find someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Based on your response, I think you will be able to heal and move on in a good time line. You have learned a lot of valuable lessons, you are very young and have a whole lot of living ahead of you.
I would recommend the following site and get on their email list. This is a divorce recovery program that is hosted around the country at various churches. It is a Christian based program but it systematically deals with the issues surrounding divorce, issues that most people deal with afterwards:
CadesMom, Thanks for putting things in perspective. I don't think I ever posted to you either, but I do try to keep up on your sitch. I know you have been through a lot. Thanks for helping me out. Just to clarify, the other affair was a one-night stand. He met this OW at the same place...that is why I have mentioned several times that this was a one-night stand gone wrong. The guys that he went with were much older, unhappily married, and known to cheat on their wives, I didn't think I had anything to worry about...we were happily married and I was young and beautiful. Live and learn. I honestly don't believe he intended this to be any more until OW continued to pursue him. Not to downplay a one-night stand in any means it is still cheating. However, I believe the emotional part of affair is harder to deal with and that is why he went "crazy" this time. This whole thing may be a blessing in disguise. If this wouldn't have happened, he might have continued to cheat on with me without my knowledge for years.
C2H, Thanks for responding again. I actually already receive that email. I signed up for it months ago when we were talking about getting divorced. Then, he sort of had a time when he was considering coming back, so I didn't read them on a daily basis. I will start and I will look into the books that they recommend.
Hope, You are going to be great! You're a wonderful person with lots of support. It's not what you planned for in your life, but I think you'll end up being much better off than you are. You may meet the man of your dreams or who know your H may wake up and see what a fool he was.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
If you can find a group to join, do so, several people around the boards have participated in groups in their area and all have said it was a VERY helpful experience. For me, I was doing pretty well when I finally found a group but the workbooks and videos we saw helped me to deal with some things I hadn't even thought of. I feel like the program accelerated my healing and gave me the kind of support that I find on the boards only in a face to face setting.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I had a hypothetical question for you. I think you may understand where I am coming from, as I sense that your feelings are pretty much the same as mine in regards to our sitches.
You mentioned that you have given your husband heaps of chances to re-commit to a R. If the OW were to end the R, and not your H, would you take him back?
I have a feeling that my W and her OM's R is winding down, but my gut feeling is that he is seeing less of her and it may be his doing, not hers. I feel that if this were the case, I would never accept her back, because I would fear the next OM to come along, or current OM to possibly contact her in the future and rekindle their R.
I don't think my heart could handle it again, as I am slowly getting stronger and accepting my sitch, and looking to the future where I will find someone to respect me and love me unwaivering.
Anyway, sorry to put this hypo question on to you, sort of anti DBing if you know what I mean. I am just in such a confused state at the moment, it was so much clearer a month ago.
Anyway, I hope things settle for you very soon. All the best, AndyV
You mentioned that you have given your husband heaps of chances to re-commit to a R. If the OW were to end the R, and not your H, would you take him back?
The short answer is yes, but I wouldn't ever have to worry about that. My H's OW will never end the affair. She is not married, has no children, and appears to be head over heels in love with my H (I actually wonder why because he isn't a great catch?). She is out for herself and only herself and she will battle to the end...if for nothing else to say she won. I believe that if OW would have ended the relationship months ago, we would be working on our marriage today. He could not face both hurting her and sucking up his pride to come back, so instead he decided that he already hurt me, so the best option was to hurt me more...he thinks that I would be better off without him. That was the easiest thing for him to do. My husband is addicted to OW; therefore, he cannot get away from her on his own. He has told me that he wished her plane would crash and that he tried to sabotage their relationship so she would leave. Doesn't exactly sound like a great, long-lasting relationship. I give it a few months after the divorce and it will be over.
Especially given that you have children, I would try to work things out with your wife even if the OM calls it quits. I know you probably feel like if that happens, you are her second choice, but given her mental state, I don't think you can think of it like that. It just may be God's way of working things out. If I had children, I would not be getting divorced on Tuesday. I would have given this more time. I pushed him to follow through with the divorce 2 months ago....he would have been fine living in this limbo land for longer...without kids, I wasn't.
Differently than months ago, I would make no guarantees that things would work with him. If the relationship with OW was rekindled after we reconciled, I would be done. Also, I would give myself the option to end the marriage if things were not improving. It would have to be a joint effort. I am not willing to live the rest of my life in a marriage where I put in more after I have taken my husband back after he has had such an atrocious affair.
You are making a lot of sense Hope. His efforts and remorse , or lack thereof, at this point, are big indicators of a successful reconciliation even after a divorce. You also mentioned that he has 10 other siblings, many of which are also having issues. I remember dating a man with 14 siblings and each and every brother cheated on their wives and each married brother was divorced. It was also a pattern in their large family to go through many affairs and turn a blind eye. There may have been cultural indicators.
I am happy that you have plans to rejoice in your new life. You are obviously a lovely person. You do not need to find a prince, or a soul mate, or a dream man, just a kind and truthful partner. If there is kindness and truth there is always hope.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I think OW's H finding out about the A is causing it to die down in my situation (he called H and told him to stay away from his W). At first, I was worried that it would cause them to enjoy the secrecy even more so. I still am worried about that, after learning here that H should be the one to end it, in his own time. I try not to think about it.
But yes, I suppose if its done, its done. And in the long run it doesn't matter who ended it, as long as WAS is completely back, and committed to make it better.
