I think you guys are both right. If I handle it properly this could work out for the better. But, I have to be able to reach an agreement with her about setting some goals and guidelines for us. I want it to be a positive move for both of us, not a return to the old ways.
I don't see any way to avoid it from happening to be honest with you. We went to the gym with her and then out to eat tonight. At dinner, she asked me if I could help her move out next Tuesday. I told her I would be more than happy to. I asked her where she was going, if she did not mind me asking. She said to (friend’s house) but she does not need to take her bed and needs me to put it into storage with my items, if that is ok. I said that is fine. So, (friend) has a bed for you to sleep in. She said no I will have to sleep with her. She only has a two bedroom apartment and her mom sleeps in the other room. She said I do not know how I am going to have S over on the weekends (when she has visitations). She said that she hopes it will only be for a few weeks. Hopefully by then she will get a government subsidized apt. I told her that I am not trying to be rude or crush her thoughts about the subsidized apt., but that I had talked to my SIL about it and she said my wife will not qualify for it, because she is not the primary care giver of our son and that is a requirement. She said great, now I have nowhere to go. I cannot afford a place on my own and that was my only hope, now I am screwed. I said yes you are in a difficult situation. And we left it at that. I could tell she was very upset. I am sure she feels trapped now and her only option may be to ask me if she can move in. I really don't want us to get back together under the same roof only because she has no other option in her mind. But, if I can do what you two suggested above maybe it does not have to be as bad as I think it might.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Hi Nugget, On my thread mentioned that I have a book on controlled separation. Can be applied to living together. Would like to send it to you if you'd like. Whether you live together or not, it would be a good way to set boundaries. My M is dead, would like to help another's from getting there. let me know if I can help.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Hi Nugget, On my thread mentioned that I have a book on controlled separation. Can be applied to living together. Would like to send it to you if you'd like. Whether you live together or not, it would be a good way to set boundaries. My M is dead, would like to help another's from getting there. let me know if I can help.
Thanks dlt1. I am all about reading books that can help me out.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
So, you're already divorced? It's final? that's pretty fast, or have you just not updated your signature? 6 weeks seems pretty fast to get it all done???
It was not contested. Filled out the papers online on a Monday night, went to the notary public with her on Tuesday morning, took the mandatory classes on Saturday and filed all the papers with the court the following Monday. Court said they would be mailed out to us after the judge signed them.
WOW! I knew you didn't HAVE to wait in Utah, but I didn't think it was that easy. Really makes me wonder...
Anyway, what do YOU want from the relationship? Do you want to get it back? Do you not want to? If you have hopes of getting things back together, then let her move in. You'll need boundaries as mentioned, and then play it like you're confident in who you are without her, and see if she comes to you. Then, you have to go through some counseling because chances are very good you can't figure it out yourself.
Good luck!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
WOW! I knew you didn't HAVE to wait in Utah, but I didn't think it was that easy.
Yeah, evidently you can divorce almost quicker then you can get married here.
Originally Posted By: JR2007
Anyway, what do YOU want from the relationship? Do you want to get it back? Do you not want to? If you have hopes of getting things back together, then let her move in. You'll need boundaries as mentioned, and then play it like you're confident in who you are without her, and see if she comes to you. Then, you have to go through some counseling because chances are very good you can't figure it out yourself.
Good luck!
Yes, I do want to get back together. Just not back to how we were. I am afraid that that is what will happen, since she is not wanting to work on the R yet.
I really do want/need to find a counselor. Just not sure how to find the right one.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Yes, I do want to get back together. Just not back to how we were. I am afraid that that is what will happen, since she is not wanting to work on the R yet.
From what you have posted in this thread only... doesnt sound like she has to be.
Quote:
I do not mind us moving in together, but I do not want us to return to the old ways of me doing everything and taking care of all her needs. Is there a way to move back in together and set some guidelines or a POJA to keep this from happening.
well, in that case, there is nothing stopping you from inviting her back if she wants to come back.
SHE DOES NOT CONTROL YOU. YOU DO.
She cant "make you" take care of "all her needs". Sounds like you have to set guidelines on YOURSELF. But meanwhile, feel free to invite your wife back into your home, I'd say.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
quick thoughts: From what you have posted in this thread only... doesnt sound like she has to be.
I am not following what you mean by that???
Originally Posted By: Dom R
well, in that case, there is nothing stopping you from inviting her back if she wants to come back.
SHE DOES NOT CONTROL YOU. YOU DO.
She cant "make you" take care of "all her needs". Sounds like you have to set guidelines on YOURSELF. But meanwhile, feel free to invite your wife back into your home, I'd say.
Dom you are 110% correct. I think knew that in the back of my mind somewhere, but, I guess I just needed someone to wack it to the front of my mind and you just did. Thank You.
Any suggestions on how to approach her about moving back in together. I do not want her to feel like I am trying to take advantage of her situation. or that I am using it as a desperate attempt to save our R. I know she wants her independence, but unfortunately she can not afford it financially.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I meant, "she doesnt have to be ready to work on the relationship yet".
like mkultra said, 'sticking together for financial reasons', is still "sticking together", and there are many marriages who have recovered, just because of the final string like that, not being snapped. If at least one person is willing to do more than just "live together".. if they are willing to truely try to make the marriage a better one... then the string, can become twine, which can become a strong rope of unity between them.
Quote:
Any suggestions on how to approach her about moving back in together. I do not want her to feel like I am trying to take advantage of her situation. or that I am using it as a desperate attempt to save our R. I know she wants her independence, but unfortunately she can not afford it financially.
Well, the way to handle it is... dont be desparate
Dont make it about "recovering your marriage". Dont make it "because you miss her sooo much".
Offer it, as you would to a friend who is "down on his luck".
"Hey buddy, i know you're between jobs right now... you're welcome to come stay with me until you get back on your feet" sorta thing. Maybe a "you are welcome to stay with us until you find some place that you like better".
Maybe put in that she would pay rent of some amount, to show that it is more of a "business" type thing, than a marriage.
Unfortunately, i dont know enough about your history, to know about the reasons WHY you were separated in the first place. Yu'd have to think of ways to make clear that sort of negativity wouldnt happen if she chose to live with you again. but you'd need to make it clear in a subtle, gentle sort of way. The "controlled separation" book sounds like it could have some good ideas. but if you approach her using that level of "agreement"... that may sound too much like working on marital recovery. I'm guessing that you need to stay away from "recovery" stuff right now, as i've mentioned above.
On the negative side.... all the stuff about your wife claiming she "had to" have a divorce because of your son, sounds like total BULL****. but oh well. I hope that things work out well for you.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Talked to W after work. She told me she had applied for a subsidized apt., but, her application was turned down do to having bad credit. She is trying her best to get a place of her own, but she is not having any luck. I feel bad for her.
We had dinner together tonight and at dinner I ask her what she thought about us looking at getting a place together. I told her I thought it might be a good idea. I said "I know you want to be out on your own, but you are not having any luck finding a place. And also I would love the help at night w/son and he misses you." She did not respond, so I left it alone for the time being.
As we drove her home, I said to her "So you do not have any comment?" She said, kind of in an angry voice. "I don't know. I will have to think about it." I said, "No pressure or strings attached. Take all the time you need." I continued. "I do not want you to think that I am trying to take advantage of your living situation, just to get you back under the same roof as me. That is not my intentions. I just know it is going to be hard for you to get your own place." She responded angrily "We'll, with what I make now and how things are going, I will never be able to get my own place." I replied "I understand and I feel really bad that that is what you are faced with. I have a lot of reservations about us living together again. I have thought about it a lot and I don't know if it is something I really want. I do not want us to end up back in the same living conditions we were in. If I wanted that I never would have pushed for us to get separated. We would still be living in the same situation today. I just think it may be good for us to share housing expenses and care of (son) together, until we can both get back onto our feet." She said nothing and we dropped her of at her house.
It seems evident she wants to be on her own and I can respect that.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I don't know if it is evident or not, but I am sure there is some dignity lost with having to rely on someone else to live. I agree I would leave that topic alone as tempting as it is to ask again I would not. My experience has been even the slightest preceived push when the WAS is stressed out just sends them into a tailspin. Keep us posted!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
