Thanks, everyone. Yeah, I read and read the boards, but I haven't found a situation that's so very similar to mine yet: no talk of divorce or moving out. I think he's so far out the door (not literally, though---unfortunate compared to the basement apartment idea) that he isn't considering what I might feel about this. And as he says, I won't tell him, so oh well. He's ready to talk turkey, because, hey, we're over it, right? That sex book was a great example. In his email he said, "Hey, did you see that book? Always wondered about having sex outside and the book cracked me up!" I thought, man, you are seriously living in a parallel universe.
And I'm not sure how I feel about the basement apartment. I think having him as close as possible is best for the kids. And since I still have hope that we'll work things out, it makes sense from that angle, too. But I'm not sure how many women I'm prepared to see traipsing around (MY house MY house MY house). When I asked him to keep it out of the house, I hadn't thought about specifying not UNDER the house. Ugh. The truth is, though, that even if we were to go ahead with that, it'd be months and months at least before it were done. A maroon indeed, Heimlich. And I'm still curious about the women who'd be comfortable dating a man whose wife and kids live upstairs.
I am in no rush to tell the kids anything. They're still little, and though they may have noticed some tension (though I don't think so), they have no clue. That's one of the things we have to discuss. I'm not sure he's anxious to tell them exactly, but I have the sense that he'd like it to be out in the open. For him. And that's not really good enough. He's been sleeping in their room and the little one has complained that daddy's not asking before getting on his bed (it's HIS space). That's the extent of it. I have no idea where to start thinking about what to tell them.
So Kat, nothing's been decided or even discussed there, and your thoughts are helpful regardless of how ridiculous this situation is---your head's not the problem!
ST: I think DH has it figured out---we'll stay married and he'll live here, but he'll date (outside the house), though he says he's in no rush to start a relationship. He's certainly having an EA, if not a PA, though, already. What wife wouldn't snap that right up? The question, of course, is whether that affects the kids' lives enough that they need to hear about it. Right now it doesn't, I don't think. We'll see what he thinks when we talk about it.
And thanks for the response to the comment that I'm faking it. I might very well use it. I'm being careful to do things I want to do, so I can keep doing them. Maybe he hasn't seen me doing enough different things yet, or maybe he can't see past the cheerfulness enough to notice anything else. I can't know.
I went to see Death at a Funeral tonight, and I highly recommend it for anyone who needs distraction from a fast-moving, twisting plotline and belly laughs. Funny as hell, and man, I needed it.
Heimlich, I'd love to watch the 49ers on their Super Bowl run with you, but alas, a couple thousand miles might be a bit far to travel, even for someone who's working on getting a life. I'm jealous of your soon-to-be-new-TV. Enjoy!
Thanks, all of you, for slogging your way through this craziness with me. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm crazy, Heimlich, and it helps to hear from other people that I'm not. I'm feeling pretty good right now, which also makes me a little nervous, like okay, what next?
I'm jealous of your soon-to-be-new-TV. Enjoy!