Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad to hear you've reached another stage, even if you are scared. I think we're all scared, WASs included.
DH sent me an email today that I found rather surprising. I guess there's good news and bad news. He says since I won't tell him how I'm feeling, he can't know, but he refuses to walk on eggshells anymore around me. How bout that! He's walking on eggshells? Anyway, he says he won't worry anymore whether something he says or does might hurt me, he'll just go on about things and trust I'll tell him. I said (on the phone) I was glad he'd no longer walk on eggshells, and I will indeed stop him from telling me something I don't want to hear. He said he'll wait for my input, the door is open.
He said I'm walking around chipper and smiling, and he doesn't believe the facade for a minute. He hopes my friends are offering me support. When we discussed it on the phone later, it came across differently than in the email. He said, "I see someone who's smiling, not even painfully." I guess that's the good news. I'm doing better in that department than I thought, I guess. He implied that I'm moving on and dating (!), and I told him I have no intention of dating and something about just building the life I want. (I didn't say directly I'm not moving on.)
I told him I'd told him last week there were two things I wasn't ready to discuss: how much honesty I want regarding other people and logistics like when/how to tell the kids (I don't think he even said "whether" this time), "how much money I have to give you" (ouch), etc, and that I'm ready to talk about those. I told him I don't want to hear about his dating, and that I'd like to ask him, out of respect for me, to keep it outside the house. He didn't understand, so I clarified that I'd like him not to bring anyone he's dating here and keep phone conversations with them outside the house. I asked him what he thought, and he said he thought it was unreasonable. Said he could ask me not to talk to my friends about him at home, but would that be fair? I said, "What if I promise not to call anyone I'm dating from home?" in a joking voice. He said he didn't care. (Ouch.) He said he doesn't really have anyplace except his car, and I said, "You're right. You don't." Eventually I said, "You may think it's unreasonable, and I'm still asking you to do that." When he got home he said it wasn't unreasonable and he agreed.
On the phone I told him I was willing to talk about things like telling the kids, time, etc. I'm sure now he's waiting for me to bring it up, which I may tonight. Thoughts please?
Then he said he wanted to talk with the contractor about adding a basement unit because eventually he'll "need his own front door" and his own space. So that's the bad news, or it feels like it. Not that he's thinking about moving out, but that he wants to live HERE and do his own thing. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. Right now that feels very not okay. I didn't say anything. Is he serious? Jesus.
At home I said he'd seemed angry for the last few days. He said, no, not angry, and that was the end of that. But he's clearly something---uncomfortable, angry, who knows. So now we're at the stage where he's pissy or at least morose and I'm chipper.
The email was the weirdest thing because he was saying essentially what I've been doing: I'm not going to walk on eggshells, I'm going to do my thing, I trust you'll bring it up, blah blah blah. If I were on the outside looking in I'd say I'm the one happy and moving on and he's in a funk. He prefaced it with a bunch of mundane chit chat, which I haven't heard from him in ages.
So anyway, after all that, what do you people think? I'm very calm and maybe a little awkward talking to him about this stuff. I'm much more comfortable shutting up. And as OT says, essentially we're not in a relationship now, so no need to have an R talk.
Thanks everyone. I look forward to hearing what you think!
