Havn't been here for awhile, update.

[81388*]

Hi everyone;
I have not posted in months, I have been reluctent to post for fear of "jinxing" it, or not wanting to get my hopes up, or just not wanting to be too comfortable with my new situation.

For those who don't know me, I got the bomb in Nov. '06 when W told me about OM. W moved out March '07 and we have been separated since that time. She has filed and we have had one court date to set spousal support. In the time since my last post, W has romanced OM with long visits including trip to Europe and several 2 week visits from him here where we live. As of July, my W informed me that her relationship w/ OM was over, and that she would like to see what it would be like to move forward together. Tonight she told me for the first time without being solicited that she loved me. At first she said I must not of heard her because I didn't say anything, I heard her just couldn't believe what I had heard, so I said "say it again" and she did.

We are a long way from healed, but at least we are both pulling in the same direction, and that is all I have ever asked for. I am not afraid of the hard work that lays ahead, I actually look forward to it. That said, the OM issue is still a huge stumbling block for me. Resentment, and lack of trust abound, but I continue to want to be happy, not right.

After we started to reconnect, I took all her pictures back out and put them back up in my bedroom. I have since took all the wedding pictures back down. I have come to the conclusion that I am not married to her, but I am dating her and I need to remember that.

We both agree that we need help learning how to communicate, and at her request, we have made an appointment with a marriage councilor for next week.

Last week we celebrated our 19th anniversary. It was not all I had hoped it would be, but we celebrated it together and were able to talk about what disappointed us about it. She continues to keep her distance and states that she is not sure it will work, I continue to "smile and wave." At our anniversary dinner, she said she still wasn't sure there was any passion for me, I simply said that "that may just be how it is, and that if she had no passion, it ultimately would not work and that was OK, I was just glad to be working together." The DBing continues. It is difficult because every fiber in my body wants to grab ahold of her and never let her go, but at the same time I know she needs to want it to work, and she needs to have time and space to find that on her own.

What I have learned through all of this is that I matter, I deserve to be happy and I want to share that with my wife. I have also learned that even though we have been together for 27 years, I don't know jack sh!t about what my wife is thinking or experiencing. I was soo cocky, so complacent about our relationship. I was such a good husband, yet I never bothered to ask her if she was happy, obviously she was not.

I think we both realize that our old marriage is dead, we have both said that we "don't want it back, as it didn't work", so it is onward. It is frightening and ulcer inducing stuff, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

A big thank you to all of you who kept me focused on what it was I really wanted, I think my wife thanks you as well.

So, Ben, Whatis, Theo, Ford, Amy, Hey, and everyone else, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!