Yes, leftincali dont blame yourself. If they dont move out IMO I beleive the longer the fantasy lasts for they are not living the day to day w/ OP. THey will soon realize they r only running away promblems that wil follow them even if they went to JAPAN!
I was just catching up and sorry about how your H is trying to push your buttons. They sure know how to do that and just want a reaction. I am proud of you for taking care of the yard with out him and let him be jealous. It is hard to detach. Hang in there and keep GAL you are doing great. Chicki,
You have come a long way. I used to get the if you had kept the house cleaning if you would have stayed in shape better, if the boys would have kept there rooms clean, if you would have made them do more while he sat in his chair and laughed when I asked for help. They seem to always find fault with us but they sure don't see their's. It sounds like that they all have the same excuses. I can't believe your H would say that to your Girls. They just don't think of anyone but themselves.
Running, I haven't kept up to well. Are you back with H or D? I hope you don't mind me asking.
Chickie is right, sometimes they do need to move out to have the distance to see things more clearly and try to figure it out. By being in the same house, wanting out and wanting OP, there's the blame, resentment towards you from keeping them away from what they want, and a huge amount of tension... Sometimese WAS can harbor a lot of anger and blame, I think it's good when they can leave on their own because it's one less thing they can blame you for. So, Cali, you did great. You supported his decision and that's the best you can do....
Actually, I too sort of "kicked" my husband out. At the time, he had already looked at apartments, chose one, signed the lease and had planned to move out on a specific date.... so I knew he was leaving (although the divorce papers weren't yet served). In the meantime there was one or two weeks where he was still at home, and the tension level was insane. One day he took off work to go snowboarding and I checked his drawer to count his rubbers and they were gone! So I figured he was going with her, or he was trying to find a quick hook-up (Yikes!!!). The whole idea completely infuriated me. You have to keep in mind, this was all before I knew about DBing and I was completely broadsided. Anyhow, I packed all his stuff (he was living downstairs) in boxes, put them in the garage and called him and left a message on his cell phone. I apologized for the situation, but said (very nicely), that things were just too crazy. I couldn't handle the stress of it, his things were in the garage, and I felt if would be better for both of us if he stayed at his mom's house for that week or two until he could get into the apartment.... and since he was moving out anyway it shouldn't be such a big deal... But, when he came home he was FURIOUS!!! He yelled and even threw a large framed photo at me. This was not typical behavior for him. He's not violent. Anyhow, the very next morning, (early!), I was served with the divorce papers. Even though he had been telling me he was going to do it, he did seem to be putting it off. I think this got his anger up high enough to actually go through with it. Looking back, I do realize now we had to go through this. He needed to lose me and his family to appreciate us.
Penny, my husband and I are back together. He stopped the divorce before it was finalized.... life continues it's ups and downs... fortunately the roller coaster ride hasn't been so intense, but piecing does have it's own difficulties and bumps.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Chickie is right, sometimes they do need to move out to have the distance to see things more clearly and try to figure it out. By being in the same house, wanting out and wanting OP, there's the blame, resentment towards you from keeping them away from what they want, and a huge amount of tension... Sometimese WAS can harbor a lot of anger and blame, I think it's good when they can leave on their own because it's one less thing they can blame you for. So, Cali, you did great. You supported his decision and that's the best you can do....
Thanks ROOT. I know that you guys are right, but I sometimes feel like if I would have known about DB'ing a year ago, when it was just an EA and H was willing to work on the marriage, I could have avoided all this. Now he is determined that we will NEVER be together again. He constantly reminds me when we talk, that we will never be together, that he will never love me again, and that this is for the best. Just wants to make sure that I know that he has moved on, to keep me in my place, I suppose?
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
In the meantime there was one or two weeks where he was still at home, and the tension level was insane.
Yes that is how it got here, I just couldn't handle the stress and tension, and dealing with someone who obviously wanted to be out and had SOOO much anger and resentment against me.
ok question for you all? Sunday is H's birthday, I plan on taking the kids to get their pics done tomorrow and framing it and giving that to him from them. But I am having a hard time letting the day go by without me acknowledging it. So I texted him today and asked him if he would be ok with me getting him a present. He asked back, why would you do that? I said, why not? He then joked about me buying him expensive Eagles concert tickets, and I just said, how about a CD or something, and he replied which CD he would like. I am thinking of just giving him the CD and a joke birthday card, something very light hearted. What do you think?
Also H and I had a talk last night about being friendly. I asked why we can not just chat, why is it always so business, and sometimes I would like to be able to talk to him and not feel like he hates or resents me. He told me that I can talk to him about anything, but not to think I was going to rekindle anything (his putting me in my place again). I told him, not my intention, and told him to call when he got off work at 10 if he wanted.
Well he did call, we just chit chatted about nothing, was very light hearted, etc. Then I realized he was at the liquor store right around the corner from our house, and I joked with him to get me a beer. Well guess what he did, bought me the beer and brought it over. Crazy huh? I swear I know that was probably all against DB'ing, but I don't normally drink, so I figured he would see that as a 180, and also it let me know that he is not being withdrawn anymore? Or am I reading this all wrong?
Inviting him over for a beer and nice conversation is not anti-DBing. Even seducing him wouldn't be anti-DBing (afterall, you are still legally married... and having an affair with you would probably be pretty exciting to him... how do you think OW got started?...).
The main thing is to keep your expectations to ZERO. You need to do that to protect yourself, and if you are being good friends and intimate it's very very difficult (I know! Been there, done that!!). It times it can be very very emotionally draining and you may go through a lot of crazy feelings. On the other hand, I always figured my husband felt the same way, and would be just as pulled and confused... and that's where I wanted him.
I made little goals... For example, the 1st one was to get my husband to spend some friendship time with me and get his anger to subside. Let him do all the talking and absolutely no relationship talk. If your husband says, "It's over, I'm never coming back," just agree!!! Say, "Of course you aren't coming back. I agree." That way he stops trying to convince you and stops talking about it. Quickly change the subject, ask a different question, stresses at work, things he might be worried about let him talk..... The next goal, was to get him to invite me. I'd very offhandedly invite him over... "I just happened to be... want to meet me?" Eventually he invited me. You have to realize everything was VERY SLOW and GRADUAL.
A later goal, and remember this took a lot of time... many months. Was to get him to question his decision. Before actually changing one's mind they have to question the decision first. And that takes a lot of groundwork (like friendship, lots of positive interactions). You may not be able to get there, and he may never question this or change his mind. But you have nothing to lose in trying.
One thing to keep in mind.. important. Avoid relationship talk and agree with every crazy and ridiculous thing he says. Don't forget this!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT, Where is your thread ,in peircing? How long did it take for your H to return? I need to find your thread. Did he surprise you or tell you little by little that he wanted to come home?
Inviting him over for a beer and nice conversation is not anti-DBing. Even seducing him wouldn't be anti-DBing (afterall, you are still legally married... and having an affair with you would probably be pretty exciting to him... how do you think OW got started?...).
Well that is good to know, in the beginning, yes we did go back and forth and him and I had some fun. But he finally said he couldn't continue to do that to the OW. Whatever. He is in the throws of addiction. As crazy as it sounds, I just agreed with him.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
I made little goals... For example, the 1st one was to get my husband to spend some friendship time with me and get his anger to subside. Let him do all the talking and absolutely no relationship talk. If your husband says, "It's over, I'm never coming back," just agree!!! Say, "Of course you aren't coming back. I agree." That way he stops trying to convince you and stops talking about it. Quickly change the subject, ask a different question, stresses at work, things he might be worried about let him talk..... The next goal, was to get him to invite me. I'd very offhandedly invite him over... "I just happened to be... want to meet me?" Eventually he invited me. You have to realize everything was VERY SLOW and GRADUAL.
ok that was sort of my reason for trying to move us past the resentment and anger and onto friends. Yesterday was sort of interesting. He picked up the kids after school since it was his day, I let him know I was getting my nails done and going to the gym and that I may be a tad late getting back. He later texted me questioning me how I am affording it, told him I was able to rework expenses so that I could make myself a priority, and he responded with good for you, high five, as long as you are doing it for yourself. I said, yes I am trying to finally take care of myself. When he dropped the kids back off, he came in, and since I just got back from the gym I asked if I could jump in the shower, he hung out while I showered, even coming in and grabbing the baby as he stood by the shower door crying for me (typical). Since our shower door is clear he had to see me.
He then got a call from his roommate that one of our kids left some of their school stuff at his house, he ran out to go get it, came right back (about 20 minutes). At that point the kids were watching tv (around 6:30) and I made myself a salad. Asked him if he wanted a beer, he said yes. I opened a beer for myself, stood at the kitchen counter and ate my salad and drank my beer and he sat at the kitchen table, and we just chatted. I asked him about his plans for his birthday party on Saturday. He told me he was inviting some of his old friends that I haven't seen in awhile, told him it was a shame I couldn't see his friends too as it would be nice. Told him to bad it would be to wierd, I would love to stop by for a bit, he agreed it would be to wierd. (OW will be there obviously). Told him, well it sounds like fun, hope you have fun. We just sat and chatted and were friendly for about 45 minutes like this, then he got up and said he had to go home.
We talked on the phone a few times after this, about kid stuff. Kids left stuff at his house still, and my daughters birthday is next week.
It was really wierd, but I think he is finally feeling comfortable, seeing that I am GALing and that I am no longer a "threat" to wanting him back. He said all he wanted was for us to move forward as friends. I figure I will do that, because friends is how he developed feelings for the OW, and we will need to start there if there is ever to be anything again.
