Do I want him back?

[forward]

I changed my sig because I was reading my old diaries and realized "bomb" was more like 09/06. So almost a year.

But in reading those diaries, I am actually glad all this happened. Something had to change. I find myself happier and more confident in some ways. I am not sorry we separated. I am especially not sorry that H took most of his complaining and blaming with him. As far as whether we should be back together, I do not know. I do know that I've done better and want to continue doing better.

I had also written how much I wanted to go to Europe some day.

With that said, I also saw pictures from when we were in love. They did not make me all that sad--more like, yes, that was a nice time and now it is over and I may perhaps have to move on.

[forward]

Oh--I forgot to mention that it appears H dropped me from his health insurance.

He had told me he didn't, but it appears that he did. I do not know if he is lying or if he really did not know that I was dropped somehow.

I believe COBRA covers me until I can get my own insurance at work. I will also move D1 to my insurance at that time.

[celestial]

Breton

decided to ask H if he would rather pay for just part of D1's care, say every week or so.

This seems reasonable for now as long as it doesn`t put a strain on your finances.

I noticed he was standing really close to me but I think it may have been coincidental.

Maybe he was standing close to you to see your reaction, or maybe it`s still a natural closeness between you. Think positive. Don`t make assumptions.

Curiously, OW called the house last night but I am assuming that it was just a misdial on her cell. I knew it was her because I did an autocallback. H would've likely been at home

Mmmmm very curious indeed!!!
He obviously wasn`t home and so she called your house. Insecure? You are such a threat to her. I`m sure they had words over that.

Celestial

[forward]

Hm. I think OW phone call was just a misdial.

I don't think they would have words over it. From the little I know of her, she doesn't assert herself at all.

Based on what I am reading, H is not paying what a court would order him to pay. A court would ask much more.

DB counselor suggested saying "It sounds as though you are saying that since you earn less, you should have fewer responsibilities. Is that what you are saying?"

[celestial]

Hm. I think OW phone call was just a misdial.

I don`t think so and why would she misdial your number when H was there. Why would she even have your number?

I don't think they would have words over it. From the little I know of her, she doesn't assert herself at all.

Don`t kid yourself, she`s assertive enough to have an A with a M man.

Your H doesn`t want the responsibility of a W and D1.5, but too bad, he can`t have everything his way.

Celestial

[forward]

Celestial,
OW calls the house when H is there w/D1. I believe she was at work when she called and it was likely a misdial. Hasn't happened again. I hope you are right, though.

As far as OW, my impression is that she was swept off her feet by H and while I would not say that I hold her blameless, I believe she is extremely messed up. I think that as the supposedly more mature one, H is to blame.

[forward]

So another worry and another reason to have a LS:

I know MLCers spend money like water. H left his bank statement here and he has spent close to 30k in 4 months. I suspect he is charging what he wants now so likely has a big credit card bill. =(

I continue to enjoy myself buying CDs and, last week, lingerie. I have quite the boudoir now, hee hee.

I must admit that it is hard to not flaunt in front of H, but I am sure he has noticed. Since he thought I was cheap, he may be thinking twice now that he has to cover his own ass.

[forward]

Well, today I decided to follow C's advice--namely, when H comes over to busy myself with other things so H can spend time w/D1. Also to not tell H what to do w/D1. The thought is that

I was also listening to my new CDs and drinking some excellent wine!!

I notice he stayed an extra 20 minutes but he does not linger with me, only with D1.

Told H that I am taking D1 to see the new baby in the family over long weekend and he looked aghast and saddened.

Well, he has the girl child to keep him company and considers being w/D1 "work," sooooo....

In the meantime I am thinking maybe I need to spend less time trying to "solve" this problem and let go for real. I don't think I am really letting go even though I'm playing by the book.

H still has not paid me any money for D1 for this month. Said he would today...he did not.

[forward]

Well, H brought up topic of D1 CS. Said he'd give it to me tomorrow. This month I am taking it easy on spending.

Caught him staring at me again. I do look good. Was listening to my interesting CDs again. Have gotten into habit of leaving H w/D1 while I do stuff like clean, pick flowers, etc.. H's visits have extended somewhat, from about 20 minutes to 40. So I guess that is good.

But it is time to stop obsessing on H's actions. I've decided to put more energy into exercising, both to burn off all the negative energy and to look good. I want to be all about me and today I was realizing that I have needed to give myself this kind of attention for a long time!

[forward]

Still no CS. I am not in need of it and am simply noting that he did not provide it. To be noted if I need to consider for court.

I came home smiling and laughing today and H seemed...dismayed. Received card from old friend and H seemed sad. He seemed tempted to linger but he didn't.

I am secretly pleased to note that OW calls here EVERY day. I suspect H might talk w/her out of boredom/loneliness but I also suspect that she is becoming less interesting.