Yeah, we have had no plan. If we had a plan, it might have been easier. It is like I was abandoned. That may be a little dramatic, but that's how it felt. Things don't "have" to get done, but I will just do it myself before I would deal with the consequences...which is something he knows. I don't want to ruin my credit for one thing. Another thing is about the yard. Here if the grass gets so high, the city will send someone out to mow it...then they send you a bill. The bill includes mower's fees as well as administrative fees....it comes out to about $150! I am not willing to let it get to that point.
I am going to try to sell the house first, at least for a couple of weeks. I am looking for a job, and if I get one then I would definitely go the realtor route. I have no problem with him getting half of everything, just with him expecting everything and doing nothing.
Wow, kind of had a wild night tonight. I got home from the gym and there was a message on the phone from one of H's bosses. I called him, left him a message to call me. He didn't call back and i thought it was kind of weird because I had already called him earlier today and he didn't call back. Later tonight, one of his friends came to the house looking for him. He knew he wasn't living here, but thought I might know where he was. I don't because he hasn't told me. Turns out, they were having to send him on a TDY in the morning. Another boss called asking how do get a hold of him. I still don't know. They finally just got him a few minutes ago. He finally called me. He could have been in BIG trouble if they hadn't gotten him.
When he called he was really upset. I just listened and I was sympathetic. He will only be gone a week, but it is very short notice. I asked where he was and he said he had just left his phone in his car, and didn't realize it until he was going to bed. I asked if he needed me to do anything and he did ask me to do a few things. He will have to come by in the morning to pick some things up. I feel bad for him, but maybe it will be good for him to get away from here for a few days.
I thought about asking him to tell me where he was living in case something like this happens again but I didn't want a fight. I will try to just let it go.
Glad to know you are going to the gym, I belong to a club/gym they call it an athletic club, and it even has a bar! I joined about 2 years ago. I have met people there and as I try go everyday ( or 4 times a week when I was in tough shape) it is my social outlet. They also have coffee, newspapers and social events. Sometimes it is my only human contact besides here! People there are supportive to me, I know almost everyone there, young and old. It is also why I am not on any meds... I can not stress to anyone in our situtations how important it is to find at least one thing to do for yourself in this times of separation. Not to mention the weight loss. Plus when he was living here and not wanting to do anything, I went there. I find support there, I have had a meltdown or two, and people gathered around me and hugged me. I have also have found help there, realtors, bankers, job prospects, a date! As we are in the separated thread I wanted to add this maybe to support someone else.
Believe it or not klm the boss looking for him and him calling you is a very good thing! He called you as you are his sounding board and it is comfortable with that. You did it right by listening and then being suportive. You handled this so well. The only thing is do not ask him where he was or where he lives. I know, I know, but believe me that is my deal too, I did that and T would shake his head and say leave that alone. They want to hang on to that. When he has come to the house I have even said things in response to his saying I can't stay I have to be somewhere, I go, where are you going or where do you have to go. I backslide! If you want to know where he lives I will email you as I know a couple of ways to find out where he is. My H did that this time also. I found him. I do not know what a TDY is! You did exceptional! Stay calm.
Us left behind get it that the spouse who moves out may not want to come and do the things around the house. Klm and some of us are more independent than some women. When they start talking about selling the house then the dynamics change. Or if someone has filed for D. In the past this is how we reconnected. He came here once for a paint scraper and a chisel, it is a 50 mile round trip! It is also different for someone that does not have children as klm and I do not have that to have contact or a phone call.
I went to T yesterday. He told me know we are going to move into the next stage of plan. I am going to write him a letter, email, and the basic is that I am fine and ready to move on and hope that now that the paperwork is filed and he is away from me that he find happiness and find out what his anger is really about. It is not all me. That is the Cliff note version, I am going to write it next week with the T. The point being that he thinks his unhappiness and anger is all about me. T said you want this marriage to work and so do I, but you do not want him back if he does not change and fix this. This has been going on for 4 years, and 3 moveouts remember...T said he will probably want to reconcile before you get to the point of D. I am to not go dark. I am not to bug him about the house stuff. Show him I am moving on and look good, be happy. Tell him I am busy, getting a mortgage. T said he probably did not recognize you on the court house steps. I am thinner, dressed well and my hair is below my shoulders and that is not how he invisions me or really sees me. Him not looking good and his anger is not a bad thing. He is not doing well with out me and the anger is an emotion that he does still feel and care. We meet with a lawyer this Monday. I am to lay low and not show my cards and not let the lawyer know how much I know, or show my brain. This is the pro se lawyer. She is to check our paperwork. If it gets down to D, I have a lawyer I will hire. We have a lot of assets and it is more complicated that H thinks. Plan is to let it sit for the 120 days and see if he wants back. After the appt the letter.
Now that I have wrote all this. As we parted at the courthouse he said I will check my email everyday and that is how we should communicate. T said and he will. I thought not. Guess what! I just got an email (yesterday) asking if I had thrown out the file with his drums in as he has a blank cd with his drum photos. Could he come out to the house sat or sun and look for that, and he will cut down the trees the insurance co wanted done. What? Oh, and he wants a fry pan lid... I have not responded as I was at the Parade of Homes yesterday and got home late last night. T said I want you to save to save this marriage and get off this roller coaster. I was not so sure I would hear from him and said so yesterday afternoon. I said I think he will not want to talk to me at all unless it is about D. T said he will want to come out, trust me. He was right! Klm, how did this a.m. go?
Yes, I have always gone to the gym. It is a good release. I have always been one to workout, but I have stepped it up a bit since this started. I am running almost 3 miles per day. Our gym is on base and I don't really know anybody there. There are a lot of people and it is all military. Although, I am surprised that I haven't ran into H on the weekends. Terey, your gym sounds like so much fun! It sounds like something you would see on TV!
I think I did pretty good too when he called. It was hard to not be mean and ugly to him when he needed me as he has been when I needed him. But, I am not that kind of person. I even went out of my way to help him before he left because he was in a bind. It went ok this morning, we were civil. He was very upset about having to leave on such short notice, and again I just listened and tried to be sympathetic. By the way, a TDY is a Tour of Duty and it is just were they are sent somewhere usually for less than a month. We found out today he will be in New Jersey until the 31st. I am leaving for my interview on the 30th and coming back on labor day, so it will be a little over a week before we really even have an opportunity to have any contact.
...Sounds like your H is looking for reasons to have contact...
Well, its over. I found out last night that when he moved out of our house he moved in with OW. She left her "partner" and they rented a house together. After all the denying, he has been living with her all this time. What a jerk. I'm done. I don't need this. I got offered the job back home and I will be leaving here in about three weeks. I just need to get away. I never thought it would hurt this bad and it just gets worse everytime I talk to him. Just wanted to let everyone know.
