I did ask her to help me with the girl's room. We're going to get bunk beds for them this weekend. Once we get those in, we'll figure out how to best use the space. She wants to be involved in that and I don't have a problem with it. Again, her request, not mine.
This is a completely contradictive statement. You said you asked her, but then said it was her request. I'm absolutely lost here, Heim. Before OT even mentioned you should just do it with the girls (kind of a "Date with Dad" type of an activity), I was going to say the same thing. OT is also right in that you shouldn't take up every activity or offer W gives. Maybe tell her "Okay, thanks. I'll definitely think about it." Show her you're not needing/wanting her involved with everything but declining on occasion. This is detaching, my friend. I know -- easier said than done, but I know you can do it.
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part of me thinks my girls will be happier with the move if my W is involved. Girls win over my discomfort.
Instead of ASSuming this is what the girls would be happier with, why don't you ask them? Maybe they would prefer or enjoy doing it with just you. Who knows until you actually ask them? Also, if the girls do say they want W to be involved, this makes asking the W to help ALL about the girls and NOT about you at all. It is a win/win for you, and if they didn't want her to help, you could simply tell W, "Regarding decorating the girls' room, I really want some Daddy/daughter time with the girls in doing this. I think it would be a great time for me to begin bonding with the girls in a situation without you around, since there will be many more of those to come. I hope that makes sense to you and you understand." I'm sure she would be completely okay with this, and respect it. After all, it is her choice to separate -- she needs to understand that she can't have her cake and eat it too.
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I guess the other thing nibbling at the back of my mind is that she knows the door is open (see last week's conversations). If she starts making overtures to help, and I cut her off at the knees, is that just going to make things worse?
Only if you deny EVERY offer or maybe even the majority of the offers. Heim, if she really wants to reinvest in an R with you, she's going to likely be forthcoming with it. Also, like OT said, it isn't going to happen overnight. And, like you said, she knows the door is still open. She's not going to think you're cutting her off at the knees simply because you'd prefer to do things once in a while without her. That's part of separating, and she has to understand that. If it makes you feel more at ease, simply tell her that you need to do things without her now and then in order to adjust to the new living situation, and for the separation to be helpful, beneficial, and meaningful. She will respect and understand this, esp if you do it in a sincere manner. Be happy, confident, cool, and calm about it. Show her that you are strong, but still caring.
Hope this helps, brotha -- I still think you're struggling quite a bit on this notion of detaching (though it is a pretty gray area overall).
