Saw your post on the Surviving the Big D thread, decided to get some quick background before making a recommendation on any books to read.
Know, for your own piece of mind, as this comes to a conclusion that you did everything you could to save the marriage. You obviously still care for him deeply and he is exhibiting remorse that this spun way out of control. So, is all hope lost? If there is a question about this then maybe there is more that you will want to do.
Sitting where I sit, divorced for 10 months, X remarried I toss out the following, for what it is worth.
Before 8/28 tell him you MUST have a face to face because after 8/28 you will NEVER talk to him or see him again if you don't meet before the hearing.
Then you can choose from any one of a number of different approaches that you determine is right for you. If you still want to reconcile, you can tell him you would still consider it under the following conditions and you set those conditions:
He moves into his own place and commits to no contact with OW (you can't really monitor this but if he moved out, that would be a sign)
Or, he moves into your place with NO contact with OW. (you don't have to and should not get intimate with him, you need to start your relationship over again)
Marital counseling to uncover the issues. Things were not so great if he was willing to let a one night stand get to where it is right now.
Apply the DBing techniques from Divorce Remedy and everything else you can get from the boards and counselors.
Other conditions according to what makes sense to you.
The actual conditions and things you come up are less important than giving him an opportunity to escape from the hole he has dug for himself. Right now he sees no escape. The reason for getting together would be to shock him into the reality that he is really going to lose you AND lose any future opportunity of getting back together.
Couples do reconcile just before a D becomes final and sometimes years after the D but with no kids between you, there is not that common bond that keeps a couple in contact with each other. I loved my wife and was willing to reconcile up until she was getting married to OM because of our kids. Yes, I would have swallowed my pride and made things work for their sake.
However, if we had no kids, long before that I would have passed the point of no return, given her an ultimatum and told her if she would not give the marriage a final chance, I was done and never wanted to see her again. Why? For healing, to move on, to live my life the best way I could. When you know you have done everything you can, and there are no kids, it is healthier to move on with your life (NOT into another relationship) as quickly as possible.
To me, the goal is to shock him into at least slowing down and taking a step back to see if this is what he really wants. He has told you this has all spun out of control. This is his lifeline to be a man and take charge of his own life and not let OW control him.
If he goes through with the D, I would suggest one option is to go totally dark, for your own mental health, and to get busy with your life. I wouldn't suggest you date because you would be vulnerable to rebounding but the less he knows about your life the better.
There may then be a final desperate effort on his part to get you back but then it will be up to you if you want your emotions to start going back and forth. The real question would be why make any effort on your part while he is still messing around with OW?
Others would suggest you just stay friends and let him see how great he would have it with you if he came back down the road. This could work too but that simply leaves your life in limbo and the longer he stays with OW, the more settled he will be in that life, whether he likes it or not. It is your life, you make the choices but the longer you stay in limbo, wondering if he might be willing to come back because he is unhappy, the longer your will be MISERABLE.
Hopefully this makes some sense to you. Best wishes.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
