Quote: Later, I couldn't help but continue to ponder for an answer while my W slept beside me. I started thinking how it was the darkest just before she told me she was falling in love me again. June 1st, she made the entry in her journal about how she just had to get away from me. My snooping in her purse the following Monday lead me to discover she had collected phone numbers for Family Court, Child Support, etc, that by Thursday I decided to see a lawyer expecting to be served with papers any day. That same day is when my W later said she decided to consider work at M again. The following Tuesday is when she told me she is falling in love with me again and wanted to come back to M.
How could she turn so quickly? I remembered how she once told me when she first knew she I was the guy for her. We first met by working on the same shift at work. We were part of the same group that would go out for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts every night after work. After several months, one night I set up a telescope in the parking lot to show them the planets and such. She told me it was that night she decided I was the kind of man she would like to live with for the rest of her life.
Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.
What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again. For my W it took a little longer than a week for her to process this on her own before she came to me to talk.
Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!
Sage, I'm scared of lots of things. I'm scared of trusting completely again just to have the rug pulled out from under me again. I'm scared of trusting what H is saying and then having him turn around and say "woops, didn't mean it". (If you read my other threads, you'll see he did that a few months ago).
It's been a long time now that he's been professing feelings to me, and apparently they haven't changed. This is something that I have to get past, it's nothing that he's doing to cause it, it's all on me now.
Also, YES, I definately brought TONS of baggage with me into this relationship. I didn't realize it until we were married a while and I got sick. My first H was a horrible, abusive (both physically, and mentally) person, alcoholic, drug addict, etc. Why I stayed, I'll never know. I was young (just turned 20) and wanted "excitement", who knew that I'd get the wrong kind of excitement. I stayed married for almost 8 years, tried so hard to get a divorce, ended up legally married for a bit more than 9 years. Met my H a year after my separation, we became great friends, stayed friends for over a year (something in me knew he was the one, but I just wasn't ready for that yet). Then, I moved across the country to be with him, married him 6 months later. Whirlwind. After I got sick, the old insecurities of not being good enough, etc, came flooding back.
I went to counseling, the counselor said I had a pretty good handle on things and that the main issues of my insecurities now are trust (trusting H, etc.). I'm trying to work on it. I have to dump a lot of stuff (memories of the hurt my present H has done, etc.), until I do that COMPLETELY!!!! I will never fully trust him.
H and I spoke yesterday, nice conversation. He called and said he hadn't wanted to talk on the phone b/4 this call, or even now because it's so expensive for him to call me (it sure is, he told me one 15 min. call from him to me cost over $90.00).
So, I asked if he checked the email I sent him, said he hadn't yet and would email me later in the day. This was yesterday, so far no email from him. I understand that he what he is doing is very important, but the hotel he is in has internet access so that shouldn't be a problem, right? I am hoping that the connection is down or something. I tried to call him today when it was between 7-8 am his time. He usually works out in the morning, so I thought I'd catch him after his workout. No answer on the room phone. My mind started working overtime "what's he doing", "why isn't he emailing", etc. I shouted in my mind STOP!!!!
I have thought about what he needs from me, and what I need from him. I love getting emails from him when he's away. I send him emails daily. I check my email several times a day HOPING for just ONE email from him. Why doesn't he have the same desire to read his email from me?? I know he hasn't read it because he told me yesterday that he hadn't checked it in days.
His needs from me are Space (he doesn't like clinginess), actions, (doesn't go too much for words). I try to give him what HE needs, why can't he give me what I need? My needs are simple. Words. Words do a lot for me, I don't know why, it's just how I am. Since he's not here right now, I can't view his actions (the way he acts does a lot for me too), so I look for words. How can I tell him what I need? I mean, he knows what I need, but for some reason, doesn't place too much importance on it unless I ask him questions. He suprised me so much when he first left on his trip and opened an email account JUST TO EMAIL ME! But, he only emailed me twice and that was during the first couple of days he was gone. I know I should be happy and just deal with what I can get, but I am having a hard time with that.
I left a message on his room phone "Hi, just wanted to make sure you were safe, I didn't get your email yesterday and I got worried about you. Well, just wanted to make sure you're safe." He's in a country with a threat to Americans, so I'm pretty concerend, although I know the reason he hasn't emailed is because it's not that important to him.
Am I nuts? Is this just another step in the process? Sometimes I think I expect too much, other times I don't think it's too much to ask. Why doesn't he have that "yearning" for contact with me? Is it because his love language is SO different from mine?? (I love that book!!) Any advice would be great! Jill
Hi everyone. Hope you are all doing well. H sent a nice email yesterday and said "ILY w/all my heart" Made me feel pretty good!
I realize I'm causing a lot of my own fears. But there is something that I've been thinking about that's bothering me a bit and I thought I'd post it here instead of bringing it up to H.
If you read my first thread, you know about our sitch. If not, I'll state a bit about the topic of my problem here. H dated a woman b/4 he met me. He had told me about her when we started dating, stating that he never loved her, etc. She dumped him to marry some guy. Anyway... fastforward 6 years later. When H dropped the bomb in Dec. he confessed that he had been "thinking about her". He said he didn't know if he loved her, didn't know if he ever got over her, thought maybe they could have a relationship after our D (at the time, H said he wanted a D). Anyway, I asked him if he ever spoke to her in the past 6 years, he said no. He said she just came up in his thoughts lately. I told him to call her and see how she feels. I felt like I had to do this because I wanted to know how HE felt about what she would say. So, since H is military, and she is too, it was easy for him to find her. He said that he called her, she's divorced w/2 kids, she said "ILY" to him. Now, I don't know whether believe that or not, because it had been six years since they had contact. H may have been saying that to push me away, even though he denies that is what he was doing. He said that was the only time he contacted her, and she has not contacted him.
Anyway, I told him I thought he wanted a fantasy woman because we had been having some problems since he deployed last June, and maybe he wanted to "start over".
Anyway, fast forward to now. H professes love to me, in love with me, looking forward to having his whole life with me, etc.
My problem is this. I feel like second choice. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. He has said he knows he's not in love with her, he was going through a "confusing" time, etc. He doesn't have any desire or intention of contacting her again. Who knows, anyway...
I know H was going through an emotional crisis (that's what I've dubbed it) and was totally confused. He had a wife who he was having problems with, a not so great marriage, etc.
All I wanted when H dropped the bomb was for him to be in love with me again, and for us to work out our problems. I NEVER thought all of this JUNK would come up inside of me AFTER everything was going well! I am sure some of you know what I mean.
Since he's been gone on his trip, I've done a lot of thinking, let go of a lot of things because if I didn't, our "new" R would NEVER work. This is one thing that plagues me though. I guess I just need some advice, tips, whatever, on getting through all of this stuff that comes AFTER, if you know what I mean.
I wonder if Michele has written anything about this, about all of the emotions we experience AFTER. Does anyone know??
Teach: Since your vacation was wonderful (congratulations) does this mean that many of your fears have been laid to rest? I sure hope so. Fill us in okay.
Dropping in on you to hear how things are going. Seems like wonderful progess, many ILYs and reconnecting. Good going, grrrlll!
Especially during the time your H was away.
I resonate with total understanding of what you went through -- the wanting to be reassured and comforted and told again and again "you da one."
It's only natural to need to be cuddled and protected after a major bomb/earthquake/tornado/tsunami -- you name it, that's what it feels like we've been through.
But -- sigh -- you cannot MAKE someone give you what you need. I am really experiencing this right now with my H. He's on the mend, we're on the mend and we are working out a lot of things -- but he pulls back whenever he thinks I'm pushy.
He won't even open the window on his side of the car in sweltering heat if I make it sound like a demand: "Hey, open your window!"
So I gotta remember to be polite.
Over on marriagebuilders.com they say a main LOVEBUSTER is making disrespectful demands, and I need to keep that in mind. Even if to me it didn't seem demanding, if it seemed that way to my H, it counts as a love bank withdrawal.
Grrrr. No fair, I sometimes growl -- he's been rude, irresponsible, harsh and hostile but I still gotta be a nice grrrllll!?????!!!!!!!?????!!!!
Well, yes, if that's what works.
DB-ing, I'm getting over being resentful, angry, bitter, insinuating, constantly disappointed, critical and impatient. Oh, and did I mention righteous?
Saint Bridget, they now call me... (LOL)
So I hear ya, and we both know we need to do what brings us more of what we want, and we're making great strides.
Saint Teach, they now call ya...
Very good responses to your posts, too -- I need to hear these things, yes I do.
Well, our trip to the big island (Hawaii) was GREAT! We stayed at the military camp (KMC) inside Volcano National Park. We went non-stop! We hiked, etc. H went golfing one day, I thought it would be nice for him. H went hiking up the volcano to view the lava flow, the kids and I waited in the car, sat there for an hour, but we didn't really mind. It was about 8pm, kids slept in back seat, I sat and listened to the radio. We didn't go with him because when we got there we decided our older daughter probably wouldn't be able to hike in the dark (younger D would be in the back pack carrier).
So, the next day, we all hiked halfway up, H and the kids stopped and I went all the way to the lava flow, it was amazing. I was nervous about my asthma acting up, but I was fine.
We stayed in a little house. There was a jacuzzi (Spelling? I having a brain freeze today!), and H and I got in after the kids were in bed. Also, there was a fireplace, so after the jacuzzi, we sat in front of the fire. H said how happy he has been, etc. H told me that he realizes that he probably was in love with me the entire time he had his "mental melt down" but just didn't want to allow himself to be in love with me because of our problems. Wow, great to hear him say that! Told me that he like the way things are now, etc.
I was feeling a bit down for several days after we got home. Thought maybe I was pulling away from him. But, I gave it much thought and I realized the problems I'm dealing with are : I don't want to leave Hawaii and we just found out right b/4 we left for our trip that we are leaving here in Sept. (as long as H doesn't get deployed b/4 then) for Maryland (we've been there b/4, not bad, but it's NOT Hawaii!). Also, I am happy with myself for changing some things about myself (less bitchy, doing things I like to do, etc.) but I was angry with myself for not keeping up with being healthy! I have stopped smoking (YEAH!), but I hadn't been dieting or exercising as much as I used to. Anyway, I'm glad I figured out my problems, I told H about this, and he said he noticed I had "something" on my mind and was happy that I told him about it.
So, today, I started dieting again, and exercising again. I want to keep the changes happening! It was so hard to change some things about myself, but I am so proud of myself for the changes I've made.
Also, I have mostly gotten over my feelings of insecurity, and not trusting H. I decided to just let go! I still think about some things sometimes, but I don't let it get to me. I just blow it off, hard to explain. I feel much happier.
Anyway, we've been fighting colds for a long time now. Seems like the kids and H and I are getting a bit better. The doctor said my older D is bringing things home from Pre-school and we catch it, then, b/4 we are over one, we catch another, UGH!!
