I've been reading a lot of dating and forming relationship advice books lately and assimilating what I'm learning there with all the information I've gleaned on this BB over the years. Here is a sort of synopsis I've come up with of how the courtship dance should be done right if one were to obey the laws of biology, psychology and common sense.
Man's Part:
1) First you have to be a man which means that you have to do the Deida stuff and find your purpose in life. Until a male does that all he can do is sort of f*ck randomly or practice/play at the courtship dance.
2) Theoretically if you were able to just follow the laws of common sense at this point you would find the woman who would best support your purpose in life and ask her to dance. Unfortunately, as a male due to strong links between visual cortex and the centers of arousal, if you want to be married to a woman with whom you will want to have sex, you need to find a woman who you find quite physically attractive to ask to dance.
(Men generally "fall in love/lust" at this juncture of the dance.)
3) Court/Chase her by displaying confidence that you are a man who has found his purpose in life (show your strength)and you are ready to form an emotional connection (show your vulnerability).
4) Remember that women are turned on by excitement too so keep a little wolf mixed in with your Alpha dog. It's a dance not a march.
Woman's Part:
1) Make yourself attractive. Signal availability.
2) Say "No" to any men who ask you to dance who you do not find reasonably physically attractive or whose manner puts you off. Do not let the ego bruise of being a wallflower or dependency issues cause you to violate this rule.
3) Use your common sense. Do not continue to dance with men who clearly have not found their purpose in life or whose purpose in life is one which you are unwilling or incapable of supporting. Do not kid yourself that you will be able to help a boy become a man by finding his purpose for him or offering him a maternal level of support/rescue.
4) Do not allow yourself to "fall in love" with men who are not actively courting/chasing you for whatever reason. For biological reasons, men need to "fall in love" first and actively chase/court for a period of time because their emotional bonding chemicals aren't pumped at as high levels as women. Do not kid yourself that you are the exception to this rule even though it is true that you might be like it might be true that you are so hot that you don't need to shave your legs.
5) Sadly, I must report that rule #5 is that you almost certainly shouldn't have sex with men with whom you want to form a relationship until you have followed step #4. The reason for this is that if you have sex with a man before you feel like you are somewhat "in love" with him, the sex will not be that great (or at least the aftermath of the sex in the form of orgasm-regret hangover) and will not further growth of the relationship. OTOH, the oxytocin buzz you get after sex may cause you to feel emotional connection which will cause you to violate rule #4.
I think many problems that arise in the course of a marriage can be resolved by sort of hitting the reset button and doing the courtship dance again or by thinking about why this is not possible. For instance, if a man has lost his purpose in life or a woman has gained 50 lbs. or familiarity and comfort has destroyed the libido thrill of the chase or if a slow-build up of resentment has killed emotional connection. I know in my situation the reason why nothing I did ever worked was because my 2bx never found his purpose in life. I married him as a boy and he stayed one through the course of our marriage. I regret any actions I took in cow-mode that might have contributed to this. In fact, I regret it so much that I believe that I should not have even acted in that manner for the good of our children.
In my dating career thus far I have been acting in violation of just about every rule of the dance - lol. There are two reasons for this. The first obvious reason is that what I was looking for was sexual validation and sex, not a relationship. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! The second reason is that I wonder about my motivation for even wanting to be in a relationship. At some primal level it is pretty much the case that the reason a woman would want to monogamously bond in a LTR with a man would be to have/raise a child. I am 42. I have kids and although I am a baby-fiend, I don't want any more to the extent that I would be willing to go to heroic efforts or even trade the freedom of movement that I now have with grown kids. Still, the nesting instinct exists even without the desire for a baby but it's like there has to be something that is the proto-baby. Duh, I know exactly what it is. Captain Wentworth had lots of acreage. The first man I got kind of sexual with owned a farm. The first guy I actually had sex with owned an apple orchard which he had planted in accordance with Pollan's book which I love. NG offered to let me take over his garden. So, besides the stuff which makes me want to have hot monkey sex with a man, what I want is to form a relationship with a man who will support my desire to have a garden. I'm really a very simple woman.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Just thought I'd drop in and ask you how your sister's doing? She sounds so brave but she must be going through hell. And I guess you must going through the mill for her too.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Just thought I'd drop in and ask you how your sister's doing? She sounds so brave but she must be going through hell. And I guess you must going through the mill for her too.
She's doing a lot better now. She's having sexual and menopausal side-effects from radiation but she's being very pro-active about treating them. She and her boyfriend are concentrating on adopting a baby from overseas. It's not going to be easy because of her health status and if they get married it will mess up her continuing coverage for future treatment/insurance.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Do not continue to dance with men who clearly have not found their purpose in life or whose purpose in life is one which you are unwilling or incapable of supporting. Do not kid yourself that you will be able to help a boy become a man by finding his purpose for him or offering him a maternal level of support/rescue.
You remind me of my friend in the above statement. She is going through a D right now and she was clearly mothering her H from day one. She admits it and states her next R is going to have a totally different dynamic. It has to. She is prone to "mother" people and she knows she needs to change that about herself. Seems to be the case in your own life as well.
Ah... well, good advice, I suppose. And if it were this simple for humans, we'd all be happily married and sexed for life.
I have hit a period with my bf... where some stuff about him... things that never, ever bothered me at all... are now bugging the ever living fck out of me.
And before you all crowd in and crow the end of the honeymoon phase... let's please not state the obvious. I'm cool with it. Actually have been waiting for its arrival... for though the honeymoon stage is delicious and fun, I've been waiting for this phase of the R to occur to see if it (the R) is actually something sustainable and worthy of my emotional investment.
He has to make his own decisions on the same.
According to your rules, Mo, all I have to do to solve this, is to start the courtship dance again, or decide that it really isn't worth my time because "familiarity and comfort has destroyed the libido thrill of the chase or the slow-build up of resentment has killed emotional connection."
Yeah. I could claim that now and get out. Afterall, I'm not married. But not being married is what gives me an easy out, and keeps me from having to call myself on any crap I'm throwing into the mix that may be contributing to of all this.
But as I look at it... and myself... it's me causing my own angst. I'm lacking radical honesty and a willingness to further surrender. If I buy into all these things I think are annoying me... I'm actually blaming him for my own unwillingness to expose myself. Deepen the vulnerability/intimacy. All these little crap things I am all the sudden finding annoying are really not problems at all, and have not been before.
The problems right now lie solely with me. What do I want. Where do I want to go. Do I want to continue investing in this R. Does it have to deepen. Can it just stay the way it is. What is really bugging me. If I am losing initial chemical bath attraction, can I get it back or develop a synthetic version.
And quite honestly Mo, no offense to you, because I think the list above is cool... it is of little help to me, because everything that I am considering is a pure confrontation of self. It doesn't matter what he wants or does... that's his sh!t, and if he throws me back, I have to deal.
What matters at this juncture is what I want and where I want to go... and I have to get radically honest with myself, first, before any thought of him enters the pix.
THAT is scarier than facing anything else I've ever encountered in my life, combined. I can't do anything, until I do this, first.
You remind me of my friend in the above statement. She is going through a D right now and she was clearly mothering her H from day one. She admits it and states her next R is going to have a totally different dynamic. It has to. She is prone to "mother" people and she knows she needs to change that about herself. Seems to be the case in your own life as well.
It's not a bad thing to have a cow aspect to your nature as long as you have it in balance with the other aspects of your personality. I don't think that I would be able to form a mature relationship with a man if I didn't have some cow because the lioness is mature but not big on relationships and the bunny likes relationships but isn't too mature. The monkey, of course, is immature and not very relationship oriented but she is a lot of fun and quite good in bed. What the cow should want in a relationship is a man who is strong enough to show some vulnerability, not a boy who needs a mother. For example, a man who isn't afraid to show that he is touched that you baked him a cake for his birthday, not the guy who whines that you didn't make dinner the way he likes it.
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Interesting list.
I got most of it from "Be Honest- You're Not That Into Him Either." which is a book written in response to "He's Just Not That Into You" with the refreshing take that women do have intelligent choices they can make about their own behavior and preferences and don't necessarily benefit from a dating methodology that consists of simply rejecting frogs until Prince Oh-So-Into-You shows up - lol .
It really made me start thinking that one way to define "differentiation" might be "ability to control chemical levels in brain through self-aware behavior" . For instance, you really don't have to be "in love" with anybody if it isn't in your best interest. You can consciously control your dopamine/oxytocin addiction tendencies by altering your behavior.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
For instance, you really don't have to be "in love" with anybody if it isn't in your best interest. You can consciously control your dopamine/oxytocin addiction tendencies by altering your behavior.
Yeah, you can. But to me, a decision to love someone has nothing to do with chemicals. I'd call it a whole host of other things, but not love.
It really made me start thinking that one way to define "differentiation" might be "ability to control chemical levels in brain through self-aware behavior" .
Interesting if you think of people as having different levels of reactivity to situations in the realm of brain chemistry due to nature and/or environment. While some peoples FOO issues may get in the way or give them extra juice in certain situations others may be just highly reactive by nature.
Yeah, you can. But to me, a decision to love someone has nothing to do with chemicals. I'd call it a whole host of other things, but not love.
I'm in complete agreement. The chemicals that make you feel like you are "in love" interfere with your ability to make a DECISION about whether to love somebody or not.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
