" I think that was a real stab to the heart for her
My guess is that this would be a similar result for you too.
Yes, SD, Throwing a party on my own seems to really have effected my H. I never responded to his email a few days ago asking if he was invited again & his wanting to see S4 before Weds. after all. He didn't contact me again either, until yesterday morning.
The VM I received was from a low sounding H, telling me to call him about seeing S late afternoon. I called him back to OK the time of arrival, told him I received his email & was still thinking on it. He asked me how I was, & o/c "I'm fine, thanks." And you, "Uh, good. Sorta."
Arrives at the house looking somewhat despondent. Takes S4 to the beach & invites me to go to dinner with them, which I don't decline, but don't accept.
After putting S4 to bed, where S tells him he doesn't want him to read him a story, he just wants him to "go home now", he comes upstairs & asks how I am again. I'm "OK, actually great, thanks. And you?"
H-"Not so good, I've never been this down for such a long period. I wake up every morning & try to just get through the day, sort of put everything in a room in the back of my head & close the door. Now it's so full I can't close the door anymore. I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do."
I validate & tell him I'm sorry he's having a hard time. I don't know what else to say, b/c I can't really help you with whatever you're struggling with.
H-"I'm losing my family J, don't you get that?"
"I understand, that's difficult, isn't it."
H-"It's not getting any easier, in fact, it's getting harder everyday. When I talk to people that have D'd though, with or w/o kids, they all say they're so happy they did now."
"Humm, OK. I've been D'd & can understand feeling that way, I have a different take on it now & actually regret doing it the first time. It's too bad I didn't know what I know now back then, I was pretty much operating on an emotional basis & letting them run the show. I think D is a rotten way to address problems, especially for the kids, unless there's something major going on. I finally read a book my therapist friend gave me 18 years ago on why people choose the mates they do. Somehow you end up choosing someone with pretty much equal baggage & similar issues to work out."
H-"Yeah, so don't D, right? We both had parents that stayed married, even if they had terrible marriages. We were just so awful to each other sometimes & I don't see hwo that would change. We got married for the wrong reasons."
So, on & on it went, with him saying he just didn't know what to do. Seems that there are 3 choices; A marriage between 2 people that love each other & the kids get the benefit of that. A D, where there is a friendly atmosphere & good co-parenting. Or, A D, where there is hostility & everyone suffers.
I said that if I understand him correctly, he's leaning towards #2, & that's Ok, he needs to make the best choices for himself.
H-"Don't box me in J, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for hurting you & the kids with this. I can't just jump back in right now."
While we were having the convo, the phone kept ringing. He started doing that laughing thing again, saying, "your other guy is prolly getting nervous that you're talking to your H."
One of the other things talked about was his regret in leaving someone to start a R with his XW, which was a mistake, & when he tried to go back to her after, she was engaged to someone else.
So, all these things are rolling around in his mind. The best I can do is continue to give him plenty of space to figure it out for himself & o/c maintain the distance as it is right now. There was no mention of the OW. Still, I know he's wrestling with that also. He did say something interesting when we talked about my going from my 1st M right into another R, "He was just a reaction to you getting out of your M, that's why you started that R."
He'll be back on Friday night to stay downstairs. I'll be going out, so he'll have lot's of space.
Yes Chicki, when you're in the middle of it, it's difficult to see. Yay for you to break some of the cycles that don't do anything but keep us stuck. It sounds like you're continuing to learn what it takes to keep you coming "a long way."
