Newcomer in Pain

[NikB]

Nugget - I feel like you just aced a homework assignment. You're absolutely right that detaching and DB'ing go hand in hand. And it is REALLY a hard concept to get. One I am still working on myself. I know it intellectually that in a happy M both people need to be detached and happy alone, all on their own, but CHOOSE to be together and create intimacy. It's not about dependency, control, etc. Tougher to "get it" emotionally though, for sure.

Larry - take some time to look through what Nugget posted on detachment, and work on letting it sink in some.

Detaching isn't at all the same as going dark or Plan B - although it sounds like the dark/plan B is what you need for your sanity right now, which is totally understandable.

That was a really great email from your W, told you a lot about where she is right now. I'm glad she opened up to you with that actually. Think it's a good sign. I do have some comments on your reply though. I know this is all really hard and it's tough for this stuff to sink in - but hope this helps offer a little different perspective.

"I understand that you are happy with your new life and love and are not angry in general. However, you really are a little peeved with Dylan and I at the moment. Never mind. I'm glad you're happy.

Don't tell her how she feels. The first part about "I understand..." is fine but really didn't need to be said - she already told you that. I think the only reason for this paragraph was so you could argue with her about how she's feeling (and maybe a little jab about the "new love").

You said a lot about your disappointment. I do have to respond a little. I have already told you more than once that I accept fully my share of responsibility for the conditions that led to our divorce.

You didn't have to respond... you've told her "more than once" so why say it again?

I was shut down and did not meet your emotional needs. However, when relationships get into trouble, it tends to be because the problems become a vicious circle with both people participating. I have never gotten into that with you much
though, and I don't intend to start now.

Very defensive - and telling her again that you're right, she's wrong, about what happened in the R. Anytime you're writing or thinking "but" or "however" - it's likely that you're doing this.

I was going to take issue with your statement that I was not capable of loving you. But now that I think about it more and how shut down I was, I think you're right. In fact, I think I got to the point where I was not capable of loving anyone (except for a couple of children).

Again defensive - you were going to argue with her, going to disagree. Even though you kind of backpedaled it, your entire reply comes across to me as arguing with her about how she feels, and defending yourself.

Anyway, yes, I am living more fully. Most important to me, I am reaching out to old and new friends and giving and getting more feeling than I've ever had in my life. That has been the true gift and the other side of all the pain. I still feel rejection, and heartache for the loss of my family, but overall I am doing great now. I'm eating and sleeping well, I'm enjoying people, I'm excited about doing new things, and I'm really looking forward to the future!

I think that this was the best part of your reply in that you acknowledged the "wake up call," but remember that your W isn't your emotional support right now, and doesn't want to be. All of this sharing how you're feeling with her is probably not going over well in her mind.

Yes, you were a wonderful wife and mother. [I regret that sentence; not totally honest]

Yeah.. probably wouldn't have said it, although for a different reason - the "were" sounds pretty final and like she's no longer a good mother, either. (which you may feel right now, but it's not the best time to tell her ).

Honestly I would have kept any reply to that email much shorter and sweeter. It didn't necessarily need a reply at all, but you could say something like:

"I agree, I'm disappointed that it took this, but I am glad that we're both learning to find happiness and live life more fully."

Please understand I'm not trying to beat you up here, just try and offer you a different way of looking at things.