I've been reading a lot of dating and forming relationship advice books lately and assimilating what I'm learning there with all the information I've gleaned on this BB over the years. Here is a sort of synopsis I've come up with of how the courtship dance should be done right if one were to obey the laws of biology, psychology and common sense.
Man's Part:
1) First you have to be a man which means that you have to do the Deida stuff and find your purpose in life. Until a male does that all he can do is sort of f*ck randomly or practice/play at the courtship dance.
2) Theoretically if you were able to just follow the laws of common sense at this point you would find the woman who would best support your purpose in life and ask her to dance. Unfortunately, as a male due to strong links between visual cortex and the centers of arousal, if you want to be married to a woman with whom you will want to have sex, you need to find a woman who you find quite physically attractive to ask to dance.
(Men generally "fall in love/lust" at this juncture of the dance.)
3) Court/Chase her by displaying confidence that you are a man who has found his purpose in life (show your strength)and you are ready to form an emotional connection (show your vulnerability).
4) Remember that women are turned on by excitement too so keep a little wolf mixed in with your Alpha dog. It's a dance not a march.
Woman's Part:
1) Make yourself attractive. Signal availability.
2) Say "No" to any men who ask you to dance who you do not find reasonably physically attractive or whose manner puts you off. Do not let the ego bruise of being a wallflower or dependency issues cause you to violate this rule.
3) Use your common sense. Do not continue to dance with men who clearly have not found their purpose in life or whose purpose in life is one which you are unwilling or incapable of supporting. Do not kid yourself that you will be able to help a boy become a man by finding his purpose for him or offering him a maternal level of support/rescue.
4) Do not allow yourself to "fall in love" with men who are not actively courting/chasing you for whatever reason. For biological reasons, men need to "fall in love" first and actively chase/court for a period of time because their emotional bonding chemicals aren't pumped at as high levels as women. Do not kid yourself that you are the exception to this rule even though it is true that you might be like it might be true that you are so hot that you don't need to shave your legs.
5) Sadly, I must report that rule #5 is that you almost certainly shouldn't have sex with men with whom you want to form a relationship until you have followed step #4. The reason for this is that if you have sex with a man before you feel like you are somewhat "in love" with him, the sex will not be that great (or at least the aftermath of the sex in the form of orgasm-regret hangover) and will not further growth of the relationship. OTOH, the oxytocin buzz you get after sex may cause you to feel emotional connection which will cause you to violate rule #4.
I think many problems that arise in the course of a marriage can be resolved by sort of hitting the reset button and doing the courtship dance again or by thinking about why this is not possible. For instance, if a man has lost his purpose in life or a woman has gained 50 lbs. or familiarity and comfort has destroyed the libido thrill of the chase or if a slow-build up of resentment has killed emotional connection. I know in my situation the reason why nothing I did ever worked was because my 2bx never found his purpose in life. I married him as a boy and he stayed one through the course of our marriage. I regret any actions I took in cow-mode that might have contributed to this. In fact, I regret it so much that I believe that I should not have even acted in that manner for the good of our children.
In my dating career thus far I have been acting in violation of just about every rule of the dance - lol. There are two reasons for this. The first obvious reason is that what I was looking for was sexual validation and sex, not a relationship. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! The second reason is that I wonder about my motivation for even wanting to be in a relationship. At some primal level it is pretty much the case that the reason a woman would want to monogamously bond in a LTR with a man would be to have/raise a child. I am 42. I have kids and although I am a baby-fiend, I don't want any more to the extent that I would be willing to go to heroic efforts or even trade the freedom of movement that I now have with grown kids. Still, the nesting instinct exists even without the desire for a baby but it's like there has to be something that is the proto-baby. Duh, I know exactly what it is. Captain Wentworth had lots of acreage. The first man I got kind of sexual with owned a farm. The first guy I actually had sex with owned an apple orchard which he had planted in accordance with Pollan's book which I love. NG offered to let me take over his garden. So, besides the stuff which makes me want to have hot monkey sex with a man, what I want is to form a relationship with a man who will support my desire to have a garden. I'm really a very simple woman.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
