WAW filing for D

[Heimlich]

DL
I know your emotions, have felt them before. Pain. Rage. Humiliation. The desire to inflict that pain back at her. Guilt. Despair. Loss. A loss of ego. A sense of not being good enough.

It'll take time, but the decision to have an A is HER decision. You contributed to her feeling like she could go there, but the decision to pull the trigger is all on her. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE SCREWED ANOTHER MAN! Once the anger subsides, you'll feel a little of that, especially since DBing opens your eyes to what you've done wrong in your M. Again, the A is her decision and all her decision.

Do what you feel you need to do. However,

"My pain is that I still love her. I hate that i do, but i do."

Alright -- here's the $64K question -- are you going to be happier with her or without her? Can you forgive her?

If the answer is yes to both, take a day. Calm down. Meet with her. Tell her that you still care for her and that you believe your M can survive and be stronger than before, but that she has to drop the OM (I'm assuming your not going to be able to work on the R if she's still seeing him). Check out the Marriage Builders site. There are some really good articles on affairs and why they happen there.

If she says no, well, start the D proceedings if that is your boundary.

Try to be as nice as possible about the D, if you go that route. Anger is just going to make you miserable.

BD

[dlt1]

Thanks Heim,
I am instituting 48 hr rule. But I can't continue to set myself up w/out her committing. It's over. I'm proceeding for closure via D. She will want me back one day, that day will prolly be too late. I'm too good to be walked over. I will be firm and nice about D. Doubt she will see it that way. too bad, so sad. I'm better and deserve better than she treats me. I will be happier w/out her one day, not today, but one day. She has no respect or decency towards me. Her future pain is hers now. My pain is now and will subside as I move on. She used me for 3 years. Sure, not malicious, but I can not continue to allow her to hurt me. My future begins NOW. OUR past was good more than bad. One day we will find a place to appreciate that. She is no longer my life. She feels alone, she is. I feel alone, but I am not> I have done over and above my part in saving M. Not all of us get to be success stories. I will be a success, just not with W.
Please stick w/ me (I know u will), I have a long way togo, but will get there smiling in the end.

[Heimlich]

I'm about to cash out for the night, but if you ever want to drop me a line: [e-mail].

Don't give up hope. If you confront her and she says she's willing to work on the R, great. Obviously, just be ready for the negative answer.

Some of this is in my first post. I knew something wasn't right between my W and I. She volunteered the fact that she was having an A. I confronted her that morning, said you've got to pick. I'm willing to work at it, but I can't do it if you can't decide. Was training for the Marine Corps Marathon and had a long run (18 miles) that Sunday morning. Made it about 1 before turning around. Was on the verge of tears and nauseaus the whole time. Had found some websites after we spoke (4 in the mornnig, marriage buildings was one of them). Told her to read them when I got back from my aborted run and went to sleep. She woke me up about two hours later, crying, saying that the articles described exactly how she was feeling. Two days later, she decided to fly down to Louisiana for a few days to decide if she really wanted to try. She came back with a yes. My mistake was focusing on her faults and not mine. So, IF you want to try and IF she says yes. Be prepared for her to be on an emotional rollercoaster as she mourns the end of the A. On the flip side, you've got a head start by already being here. if I had found this site (no idea how the hell I missed it) back then, I honestly believe I'd be happily married right now.

Live and learn.

BD

[Disillussioned]

Thanks Heim,
My future begins NOW. OUR past was good more than bad. One day we will find a place to appreciate that. She is no longer my life. She feels alone, she is. I feel alone, but I am not> I have done over and above my part in saving M. Not all of us get to be success stories. I will be a success, just not with W.
Please stick w/ me (I know u will), I have a long way togo, but will get there smiling in the end.

Good luck to you DL. I like the attitude in your last post. Kicks #ss.

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, I have tried to reply to you 3 times, but the I couldn't find the words to say, so I've been praying that God would give me those words, and so this is what I have, I hope you can find some peace in it.

As you know, I know all too well, the pain, shock and anger you are going through, right now. If you check out my first few posts you will see that, and that was a few months into the separation and OM #3, but I must say you are handling it better than I did, so I commend you on that.

Once the initial shock wears off, and believe me, it will take a while, (feeling betrayed is almost unbearable) you will be able to think more clearly. Your W, has proven that is something she is not even trying to do.

Right now, she is in the phase that she wants anyone, but you. But once the new wears off of the A, she will stop and see some things, it has taken my W, almost 5 months to start to wake up, but in almost every interaction with her, I see it, so believe me, yours will too.

The decision to DB after an A, whether it is EA or PA, is a tough one, one that you have to make on your own time. And I think if you give your W an ultimatum at this time, you will only push her straight into the arms of the OM. But then again, you know her better than I do.

As for you, if you think that you are ready to make the decision to D, after 48 hrs. then by all means do what you think is right, but I would like to share this with you.

I also had the chance to file for D, before my W did, and after the separation, and heavily considered it, but I stopped and thought is this really what I wanted? I knew that if I D'ed her, that we would never be able to have a new R. So as for me I couldn't bring myself to do it. Although with W, constant bad choices when it comes to the kids, sometimes, I wish I had.

Now, I don't know the laws, where you are at, but here, I was told by an attorney (after W had already filed) that if I had initiated the D, I would be in control of it. I could stop it, if I wanted to. So maybe you filing for it, might be in your best interest. Who knows, once you serve her D papers, that could be the huge wake up call she needs.

I am just asking you to let the shock wear off, and come at this logically, don't let your emotions get the better of you. Weigh out both sides, and go with the one that will be to your benefit.

First of all, get rid of the anger, it will cloud your mind, and judgement, get it out and the forget it, then deal with the pain and hurt, let yourself cry and breakdown, feel it, and let it go.

A good idea is if you can, wait and talk with your C, before doing anything legally. is there an emergency number you can reach them? let them help you deal with your emotions, so you can come at this from a logical stand point.

My friend, things just got more mixed up and confusing for you, the roller-coaster ride has really begun, Unfortunately, on the DB'ing road, there are many up and downs, new ones spring up as we go, but I know that you will come out of this smiling, like you said, Just remember you are not alone. Take care.

[dlt1]

Good Morning,
It is better than I expected today. Just letting it all sink in. I am hoping to get in with C today or tomorrow. Need some help, or another sounding board to figure out how to prepare to move on. As far as the W, I'm done trying. She is nowhere close to right in the head. She isn't going to see this as a wake up either. She will be out of my life sooner rather than later as I push forward with the D. I'm done lingering and hoping. I've wasted 3 years with someone who was half assed about the whole R. Sure, we had good times, she even admitted we felt perfect a long time ago. She has gone too far the other way. I do not let myself get treated like that. I did b/c I love her and would have done anything to get her back to me. She may very well find herself wanting to save our M one day down the road. IF that happens, I may be open to it, I may not. I doubt she'll get there and don't care. I only care now about getting ME to a better place. This past 6 weeks has really put me on the right road. I still have work to do, but I can see the person I am finally becoming. And I like him! I'm beginning to see things in me that I have admired in others. I'm not exactly comfortable with these new traits/actions, but I am becoming more so each day.
Oh, the 64k question...I will be happier with OR without her. She has no bearing on my future happiness. I can forgive her. I kind of already have, but not completely. But I see it happening before long. Once I get settled again and find my way. In her heart she is a good person. She is confused, lonely, depressed, lost, basically FUBAR. She is doing what she can to be happy, but has no idea what that is or how to do it. She even said she thought A would give her comfort, but she did not feel any better afterwards. It wasn't about me, it was about her being in thsi very lonely place and reaching for help desperately. I think that is why I will forgive rather quickly. I feel sorry for her. I hope she finds some people to help her through in a good way. she will not have me to help her. If she really rwached out and wanted to talk, not even about R, just about where she is at, I would listen. She knows this, but is trying so hard to move on and not rely on me. she leaned on me more than I guess I realized and it hurts her that she is losing (pushing) that. I saw her moving past US much faster than me. Today I believe that I will be the one that moves on sooner. Not that it's a race. But this has freed me from hope, and given me a new hope fro a new future. I'm scared to death of it, but embracing what opportunities are waiting for me.
Thank you all for your support! I'll be back soon when my emotions bring me crashing down

[dlt1]

Thanks Rain, we were posting at the same time. I am not making any rash decisions. I think my mind is made up, but we'll see. Probably meeting my lawyer this weekend, She is one of my closest friends. She said in our convo last night that she will not let me try to take more than what is fair, and will be sure I am in a clear thinking state before she will proceed in any direction on my behalf. I just want to be done and get on with my life. But I have a couple of days to feel before taking any steps on any path. Just going to hold here for a bit.
You guys are great!

[Handful of Rain]

dlt1, glad to hear it. Take care.

[dlt1]

Got appt with C for 3:30. That will be good.
Had a great talk with one of the owners. First about going through D, and then about my future. Let him know I was ready to explore the next step, and he is eager to get me there! It's funny that one of my core issues is learning to be confrontational. We talked about some key areas where I will be forced to confront people and hold them accountable. No time like the present. We're going to talk as a group tomorrow to begin defining my new mgmt role. I'm sure I'll be working longer hours, especially during the transition part. Nice that I'll have something positive to focus on and keep me busy. I've never been given a clear boundary on how far I can push people at work to do their jobs correctly. He very bluntly said, you have it, you will have it, and we will be sure everyone understands that you have it. Push anyone and everyone until they get it right, from the hourly's all the way to us 3 owners. You have to make thsi company better. Talk about PMA boost! I'm large and in charge
A strange twist is that it looks like I will also be boss of my ex GF (from years ago prior to beginning R with W). We actually sit next to each other now, so that will probably not be taken well. She is also President's D, so many don;t want to approach her about her attitude and way she does things. One more confrontation for me to overcome.

[PMA_Baby!]

Good Morning,
It is better than I expected today. Just letting it all sink in. I am hoping to get in with C today or tomorrow. Need some help, or another sounding board to figure out how to prepare to move on. As far as the W, I'm done trying. She is nowhere close to right in the head. She isn't going to see this as a wake up either. She will be out of my life sooner rather than later as I push forward with the D. I'm done lingering and hoping. I've wasted 3 years with someone who was half assed about the whole R. Sure, we had good times, she even admitted we felt perfect a long time ago. She has gone too far the other way. I do not let myself get treated like that. I did b/c I love her and would have done anything to get her back to me. She may very well find herself wanting to save our M one day down the road. IF that happens, I may be open to it, I may not. I doubt she'll get there and don't care. I only care now about getting ME to a better place. This past 6 weeks has really put me on the right road. I still have work to do, but I can see the person I am finally becoming. And I like him! I'm beginning to see things in me that I have admired in others. I'm not exactly comfortable with these new traits/actions, but I am becoming more so each day.
Oh, the 64k question...I will be happier with OR without her. She has no bearing on my future happiness. I can forgive her. I kind of already have, but not completely. But I see it happening before long. Once I get settled again and find my way. In her heart she is a good person. She is confused, lonely, depressed, lost, basically FUBAR. She is doing what she can to be happy, but has no idea what that is or how to do it. She even said she thought A would give her comfort, but she did not feel any better afterwards. It wasn't about me, it was about her being in thsi very lonely place and reaching for help desperately. I think that is why I will forgive rather quickly. I feel sorry for her. I hope she finds some people to help her through in a good way. she will not have me to help her. If she really rwached out and wanted to talk, not even about R, just about where she is at, I would listen. She knows this, but is trying so hard to move on and not rely on me. she leaned on me more than I guess I realized and it hurts her that she is losing (pushing) that. I saw her moving past US much faster than me. Today I believe that I will be the one that moves on sooner. Not that it's a race. But this has freed me from hope, and given me a new hope fro a new future. I'm scared to death of it, but embracing what opportunities are waiting for me.
Thank you all for your support! I'll be back soon when my emotions bring me crashing down

I thought I was reading this about my WAW. You have a lot of wisdom in your words. I feel much the same way u do. I feel myself getting to the point you are at everyday where I will be ok with or without my w. That is the ultimate goal for dbing from what I scene.

Keep it up man. Your doing awesome! BM07