Ok just had the craziest conversation with H. Not sure if what I said or did was ok, but it felt right.
H: Did the gardener ever come and put in the timer for the backyard. M: Yes, and he is coming back Friday to reseed and put top soil. H: How are you paying for it? M: He is not charging me. H: Why is he not charging? Are you sure he doesn't want anything in exchange? M: Don't be silly, he is married, and he is just a nice guy. (then I realize this is my chance to make him somewhat jealous) M: Well actually maybe you are right? He did keep saying how great I look, that he could tell I have lost alot of weight. He also mentioned that he has a couple friends he could hook me up with that make over 200K a year. I told him I am not interested, I am still married. H: No response
Then we talk about the baby, getting his things, etc. Then as he is leaving I ask if he got the babies blanket (it is a security thing for the baby). He says no, and starts to walk in the house then says: I am not going to walk into your house, you go get it. M: Why? You are being silly (I walk in the house and get the blanket) M: This is our home, this is still your house, you make the payments H: Why would you tell the gardener you are still married, you are not married M: Yes I am, I am still legally married to you. H: But we are seperated M: Yes, but legally still married, and I do not date while I am married. noone has filed for legal seperation or divorce. You know seperation is supposed to be when you are trying to figure out what you want with the marriage, and might possibly get back together. If one of you decides they want a divorce, then that person needs to file the divorce. H: Yeah I guess you are right.
Then some more small talk about the baby, and I tell him I have to go in the house and finish getting ready for work.
So maybe I should not have mentioned divorce, maybe this will push him to file, but he is pretty clueless and it is going to take him awhile to figure it out. At the very least, I let him know how I feel about this, and I don't feel the same about the "seperation" as he does.
Keep doing the jelouse thing. It sure does wonders in my stich!! I am also seperated,not leagelly and no D papers file AND my H still pays the house while living w/ OW.
Lately H was starting to doubt there was the possibility of OM in my life and said I can never give him a name, well I did a few days ago & now that is all he talks about. He asks all kinds of questions. My is diff in that I try to keep my mystery in all and tell him to call before coming over but H insists it is still his house he pays and I should not even try to move his stuff out of our room (which I just did not too long).
A good sign you haven't detached is that you feel anger over him using her truck. When you've successfully detached, the things he does won't make you feel angry.
Instead you might look at things in a different way... (1) sorry for him... ah, he's stuck with OW's crummy truck (and poor weak loser OW who can't find something better then a confused married guy who is still rasing someone else's babies and makes less than 200K a year.... Sheesh! what kind of trophy is that????), (2) mild humor... Oh brother!!! There he goes trying to make me jealous! How transparent is that? I'm not going to fall for that. Too funny!!!
Basically try to stay out of the serious, crazy, potentially and inevitably unhappy ickyness of your husband's life. Keep it out of your immediate sphere... make your life orderly, happy, bright and a place where the kids are content. You can't control when they are with him (and possibly her) so.... let him DEAL with that. Never get in the middle, and never give him an opinion about the good or bad things happening with the kids when he/they have them. And don't feel jealous when the kids are with them and things are going well (You want the kids to make it through this without too many scars).
Oh, and the man thing. Do NOT make it obvious that you are trying to make him jealous. Be SURPRISED!!! Wow, I really never realized how attractive I am? Men must have some radar that tells them. "Available woman here!!!" I can't believe how often I get "hit on" at the market, in the bookstore, even at Starbucks!!! It's WILD!!!!
And it's absolutely true!!! You won't be lying. When you are losing weight, dressing hot, always looking great when you go out, radiating positive energy, smiles, you will get attention, and you will get hit on. Just be careful not to exaggerate it to your husband. Don't flaunt it, just let little bits slip out every once in awhile...
Gosh, I remember one time meeting him at the house after his Wednesday night "dinners out" with the kids. I'd go out with my friends. He mentioned something about, "Well, I hope you had a great time," and I stood in the kitchen and said, "Yeah, it was okay, but I sometimes get kind of tired of all these guys we meet. I like talking with them, but they always want me to call them... they can be so annoying," and I pulled out about three business cards, opened the cupboard under the sink and threw them in the trash. I'd act like I was sooooo pursued! Now, I didn't always come home with phone numbers like this (and maybe not all the guys wanted me to call about dating)! When stuff like this just happened to occur, I'd present it like it was some bothersome thing that happened constantly.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Also, I buy myself roses and put them in the kitchen vase. Mind this, I have done that in the past when h still lived here,but now it gets to him and he always has to make a comment about oh your BF gave you those?
runningoutoftime,
I too have done the " I must have D written across my forehead or available b/c these men keep coming on to me & they are so persistent!" I especially did this & it was true when I first started to GAL and go to clubs.
A whiel back when I made a commment that maybe I was ready to start to date but nothing seriuos to H ,He had a fit! Oh, no it is too early for you! IT will be coming up a year that I have known of his A. ITs been five months soince I kicked his butt out of the house.
A good sign you haven't detached is that you feel anger over him using her truck. When you've successfully detached, the things he does won't make you feel angry.
Instead you might look at things in a different way... (1) sorry for him... ah, he's stuck with OW's crummy truck (and poor weak loser OW who can't find something better then a confused married guy who is still rasing someone else's babies and makes less than 200K a year.... Sheesh! what kind of trophy is that????), (2) mild humor... Oh brother!!! There he goes trying to make me jealous! How transparent is that? I'm not going to fall for that. Too funny!!!
you are right, i have not detached, I am slowly getting there and can't wait till things like the truck will not make me angry. I saw right through it though, it is his way of trying to piss me off, trying to push my buttons, and get angry at him. I am being to nice, and am always pleasant. He is trying like hell to get the old me to come out, so he can see, There, there is is! See Why I left? I won't fall for it, first and foremost, I have changed, and I wont let him bring that nasty, angry person out of me anymore. That is not who I was before I met him, and am figuring out that it was him that brought it out in me.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
You can't control when they are with him (and possibly her) so.... let him DEAL with that. Never get in the middle, and never give him an opinion about the good or bad things happening with the kids when he/they have them. And don't feel jealous when the kids are with them and things are going well (You want the kids to make it through this without too many scars).
I think I am doing very well in this regard. I never react, I make a point of always being fun and the steady and safe place for the kids to go. I never ask him how the kids were when he has them, he always offers up the info, and I just respond accordingly, usually very brief and try not to say to much at all. Honestly today was the most I have spoken with him in the last two weeks.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Oh, and the man thing. Do NOT make it obvious that you are trying to make him jealous. Be SURPRISED!!! Wow, I really never realized how attractive I am? Men must have some radar that tells them. "Available woman here!!!" I can't believe how often I get "hit on" at the market, in the bookstore, even at Starbucks!!! It's WILD!!!!
I think that is how I came across this morning, I remember you saying that before. When he first said that the gardener must be after something, I completely dismissed it and told him he was being silly, and then I kind of cocked my head and said, well yeah, he was saying that I look really good, and he can tell i lost weight. I really did not try to be obvious about it, I was just very non-chalant about it, and almost sort of, hey i didn't even think about the fact that maybe he was hitting on me? I hope I played that off right? LOL
Why did you "kick your husband's butt" out of the house? I understand being angry, and wanting to eliminate tension (been there!)....
but to me you being the "Kicker" gives amunition for his leaving ("Well, YOU kicked me out"), and it makes it easier for OW to have access and put the claws in deeper....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That was my first mistake. H said he wanted to leave, and once I confirmed OW was the deciding factor, I told him I could not stand him being here and helped him move out. Now I am kicking myself because that may have been the beginning of the end.
I had to do it for my own sanity. My H was cake eating way too much and flaunting his "outings" in my face. He would take off the every weekend. No calls and would just stay at her place.He would no longer do anything w/ us as a family. Sometimes that is what you have to do so they can live the reality day to day and see if the grass is really greener. I told him you love her so much(he never said so) then go live w/ her. As long as he was at hoime. He was getting all of his needs met by BOTH of us women in his life. It took me alot of pushing for him to leave though. I think he really only intended it to be a fling. He had even said it was not going to be permanet thing.
Twomonths after he left he tried coming back (complaingin about her and how he could not stand her D, etc., but I knew or I was too detached or maybe just starting to move on and I told him he was not ready tomove back in yet. To this day he say he is not "fully in love w/ her"?? Another lie? WHy else break up a family w/ three tiny ones ifor someone your not in love with?
My H is just running from responsibilities. Calims he si drowning in bills,we argue too much (which I have done majhor 180's on BTW).
The girls the other night told H they wanted him back and he asked them to list the reasons why (maybe he thought I put them up to it, NOT)! D10 said the reasons,but the last one I am sure got to his heart- because I wantt be a REAL family again! WOW! That got to me and I am sure it pulled at his heart (if theres any left). I told my D10 wow he willprolly think I told u to say that, that was really good,very intelligent of you!! She said he just took a double look ather and told them before hemoves back he needs them to keep their rooms clean, mommy and him to not argue so much & mommy to start to cook healthier(hes on ahealth kick now). Get this- he told them when he does there will no longer be the OW and if they were ok w/ that? HELLO?? IS she there new mommy? Why should they care?
That was my first mistake. H said he wanted to leave, and once I confirmed OW was the deciding factor, I told him I could not stand him being here and helped him move out. Now I am kicking myself because that may have been the beginning of the end.
Do not fool yourself into thinking that was the beginning of the end. It was when your husband looked else where to fill the void in his life.
