Thanks Agent 99 and builtforspeed. I agree that she's scared. Of what, I won't speculate just yet. I don't want to jump too far into trying to figure things out based on too little evidence, but I do think it was revealing to see her emotion even if she didn't want to talk. I've been wondering if she's happy to be rid of me, but now I don't necessarily think that. She may not want me back, but this is not a woman rejoicing in her freedom.
I've been walking a delicate line between giving her space and trying to trickle out a few examples of change. Her paradigm is that I have been the fault of nearly all (possibly all) problems and her problem has been that she lacked self-esteem and needs to figure out why she took it. She briefly told me that in a phone conversation a few weeks ago. After all my reading I feel it's much more complex than that analysis suggests, which tells me we are a long way from reconciling, if ever. I'm not going to get into a contest over who's the bigger victim (she is), and I'll own my stuff, but at the same time I've identified needs she was not meeting and ways I would like her to change if we are to have a successful future. I'm more than willing to wait to bring up my needs. If I did so now, she wouldn't hear me.
She knows I'm going to therapy, reading a lot, and doing things that I simply did not do or think about three months ago. She's only seen the tip of the iceberg, however. We've had a few brief phone calls (10 minutes or so) where some of this has come out, but mostly I'm laying low. No calling her begging, no calling her or writing long explanations or apologies. I did a couple of letters at the very start of the separation, but quickly backed off as I started reading books. I would like to think that I've given her something to think about; maybe that explains why she seems confused and hasn't filed for divorce. I feel a need to try to subtly show some changes, and that I'm working. To not do any of that, I feel, would lead her to conclude that I'm not being reflective, that I'm the same old self-absorbed person who helped cause her pain.
The optimist in me would like to think that she's noticing these things and trying to figure out if they're real. My wife is smart as can be and a great reader of people. She almost became a psychologist. I understand if she's uncertain; there's a lot of history pulling the other direction. I am willing to be patient because I believe we can still have a wonderful future. I don't want to go back to the old relationship either.
In the meantime, I'm doing OK with GAL. Friends have been great. She seems cut off from our mutual friends; I'm going out with them. I went canoeing with an outdoor rec. program yesterday--first time in a long, long time I've done that, and I loved it. I've joined a new church, and I go twice a week. It has been spiritually rewarding beyond anything I expected. There are a lot of activities there that gear up in the fall, and I look forward to getting involved. It's great to get out into a new circle of people. My wife knows, in general, about these things. She also knows I'm traveling in September to visit my parents, going to a cancer fundraiser for my brother, and visiting cousins in October.
What she doesn't know, however, is that I'm moving to a different apartment in October. It's a bit nicer place, with more space.
I'd like some advice on how to approach her about this. I'm not asking her permission, of course. I'm doing it. I'm not going to drop it on her the day I do it. But, how much should I tell her for my motivations? I feel I should tell her that it will be better for me because (and then list five or so reasons, including more space, nicer amenities in the unit itself, the prettier grounds, the quiet (I live near a busy interstate now) the free use of mountain bikes at the rental office--a new hobby that strikes me as a lot of fun; the wife has mentioned biking in the past; that's not why I'm moving, but it's a factor that will be good for me on the GAL front).
I'm taking a short term lease. I feel I should tell her that as well. I'm not running out on the marriage. I feel she needs to know that, but without a long explanation. Not long after we separated she said she thought I would be sad but just walk away from her. I haven't done that; in fact, I'm so much more focused on her and the relationship than ever. It's truly been my wake-up call, even if it doesn't work out for us in the end the reading and contemplation and renewed relationships with friends and closer ties to family have been valuable. Frankly, I suspect that I've surprised her with my response to the separation. Or at least I'd like to think so.
Given that I was too distant in the marriage, and that she thought I'd simply walk away, does a brief email telling her and briefly noting reasons make sense? I've got someone telling me that I should just tell her the new address and let her pursue me with questions about why I'm doing it. According to this person, that could be a way to open conversation given that it's been relatively lacking. Make her curious, according to this theory. My worry is that she may not make that step and jump to erroneous conclusions that fit some of her preconceived beliefs about me. And, that at a time when she may be trying, in however, small a way, to reach out, simply moving with little explanation up front from me would signal I was turning away. There is such a danger of misinterpreting signals at a time like this.
Anyway, thanks for reading and my thanks to anyone who shares their thoughts. This board is truly inspirational. I'm so glad I found Michele's books and this community. Make it a good day.
