Sounds like you're feeling ganged up on, Heimlich. I hope you're able to take it all FWIW and in the good spirit it's meant. Thanks for writing.
Yeah, but in a good way. Kindof like an intervention, forcing me to confront a reality I already knew and understood, but didn't want to admit to myself (though my joke about banging someone in a full sized bed WAS just a joke). Hurts, but I'll be better off in the long run.
You mention the fear of him leaving. One thing that I came to realize, and I posted this to BrokenMarriage earlier today, is that in some sense they are already gone. If they physically move out, it's scary, but it's also an opportunity for both of you to grow. And, as ST says, it doesn't end the hope of reconciliation.
I really think that my fear of my W leaving contributed to where I am today. I was constantly worried that she would leave me. Instead of focusing on making myself a better person, I focused on her and constantly trying to gauge her temperature toward me. Then, once I found DBing (after the ILBNILWY speech), I had a hard time with the whole non-talking thing. I'm kicking myself for stopping reading about relationships when things started to get better back in January.
It's a supreme act of mental judo, but you've got to push toward that point where you still care about him and the R, but it's in the back of your mind. You've got to make yourself happy and become more like the person your H married, only better. I'm mostly there today. It feels pretty good, but it's also kind of scary. For the first time in almost 17 years, I can really begin to see a future without her in it. Parts of it have a certain appeal. I know deep down that I don't need her in my life, that I want her in my life. Currently, that want is still there, albeit there would be a lot of struggle to get to a place where we could be good again. It would be worth it, but it'd be painful. However, really feeling that "you know what, I really DON'T need her to have a happy, fulfilled life" is liberating. I relied too much on her and our M to define who I was. I need to work on defining me again. It's a heck of a ride, but it's the one we're on and we may as well enjoy it as best we can. Like anything in life, there's going to be a lot of joy, pain, and laughter along the way.
I know that's a lot about me, but I hope you can see the points I'm trying to make to you through it.
Anyway, it is all about me, right?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
