Pushing for Dissolution

[BryanS]

I've been married for 3 years. It's been pretty rough most of the time with lots of fighting and threats of divorce. 3 weeks ago, in the midst of a bad fight, my wife and I agreed to a dissolution of the marriage which in essence is a cheap and easy divorce. I was immediately remorseful but didn't know what to do. 2 weeks ago, I found this site and started reading the books.

Here's the catch. My wife, K, is in Texas and I'm in Ohio for work. She took a job in Maryland so she's not coming back here and because of work, I cannot go there. We've been down this road so many times that she doesn't believe anything will change if we "work on it" and I am mostly to blame for that. Every time this happens, I make promises to change and then break them. Now I've found this and I know in my heart that it can help us but she's locked into the divorce mode of thinking. I don't know what to do. She told me two nights ago that she doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't see an alternative as she believes we'll never change. She told me today that she got her copies of the dissolution paperwork notarized and mailed them out to me to file in the courthouse. Final dissolution hearing takes place 30-90 days after I file them. Every part of me is rejecting the idea of filing but I don't want to antagonize her anymore by stalling even though I know I can change and she will see that with time. I'm at a loss.

I'm flying down to visit her in two weeks (she doesn't know it yet but I will tell her before I show up) to tell her in person that I want to reconcile. I will have to file the paper work before then (variety of reasons but I will have to) and I'm afraid that this will only cement the idea in her head.

I know she loves me, she hinted very strongly at it two days ago, and I know she doesn't want this divorce, she just wants out of our "unhealthy relationship". That felt so positive and then two days later she tells me about the notarized paperwork. I'm trying to be positive and keep the faith but it's very hard. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and come back? I'm looking for some hope. I feel like there's nothing I can do, everything I want to do (tell her I love her, beg her, promise to change) will only push her away. I want this marriage more than anything and I'm angry with myself for only now seeing that.