My penance...

[Steel_Box]

Pro Wife,
relating back to our previous discussion.

The more you tell me, the more concerned I am. I worry that the affair possibly never ended. There was a point where I reverted to keeping my affair a secret while supposedly returning to my husband. While I hate to give you more worries, be careful. No one wants to be played a fool once, but twice is more hurt than anyone deserves. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...you get the picture.

You mentioned that there was a period that you tried to revert back to keeping the affair a secret. Was this a conscious thing that you were trying to try and have both, or was it that you were trying to work on R with husband but couldn't quite let go of OM?

I believe that I have a duck, and am tying to decide whether to dig a pond and hope the duck stays or bring out the dog and go Duck hunting.

Did your husband confront you about your trying to go back to a secret, or not? If he did not, do you think it would have been effective for him to do so?

I realize that my interactions with my W have gotten better, and like I have said previously, I can see attempts to work on things. But, I question if it is all just a front to cover things back up. I don't want to continue like this if she is trying to go back to having both. I want my wife, but I am not willing to share her.

Thanks in advance for your help.
Steel

PS: Although being on the other side of the fence, I don't quite understand why you would have any contact with your XOM, don't let Snakes bother you he has been bitter lately and appears to be trying to pick a fight.

[prodigalwife]

I don't take my ex-OM's calls anymore (ignored one this morning in fact), but that's a new development. Check some of my earlier posts if you really want my take on it.

How do I justify that he calls me? He thrives on drama and that's on him. How do I justify picking up the phone when he called? Read my previous posts, and if you don't get it, then you probably won't. How do I justify it to my husband? My husband encouraged me to take the calls. He ubderstands me and knows that for me, when something is over, it's over. My husband knew I was having problems with my feelings of "never leave a friend behind" (OM was a friend before the affair) and that I had to work through the fact that he is no longer my friend.

As to being "pathetically selfish and deplorable," suit yourself. I cannot possibly explain (nor should I try) myself to someone who doesn't know me, has never met me, and obviously has no idea how I work.

Just because WAS have much in common, don't make the mistake of believing our processes follow the same predictable pattern. we're unique and we have to heal and grow in our own ways.

Perhaps I need to clarify my original post. I don't care if people hate what I was. I do. But I'll be damned if anyone has the right to judge who I am now. If you're angry with your spouse, your situation, or your inability to affect either, that's normal and healthy. But don't make me your target.

[snakesonaplayne]

Prodigal-

I don't care what your husband says, you can't logically tell me that he wanted you to continue speaking with OM (I know you aren't speaking to him now, but that's immaterial). I don't care if he was a 'friend' (I don't see why would want to be friends with someone that deliberately tried to destroy your marriage, but that's another issue), you chose the selfish road because it was better for you, not better for your husband or better for your marriage. Shame on you for that.

SOP

[SingleAgain]

SOP,
Nothing to be gained by hijacking this thread to make yourself feel better. She has been able to avoid what many of us were not able to and that being divorce. I'm happy for her. Get off your high horse.

Markz

[mkultra]

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if one spouse is just beating the other spouse to the punch? Maybe it is just vulneralbility and opportunity, cultural norms and disillusionment that lead to one having an affair, maybe there are simultaneous affairs.

Let me explain. My H still claims he has never cheated on anyone his whole life. When he sees me, his eyes well up with tears. I am flabbergasted and apalled by his actions and wonder why he acts as if I betrayed him? Now that he is practically living with someone half his age. Yes, it is deplorable.

Now imagine my connection to my exboyfriend who is currently like therapy for me. I doubt if I will rekindle anything but thank goodness he is single and never got married. Perhaps I feel justified calling him now and making an emotional attachment because I feel cheated by the fact that my H is having a previously secret affair. My exboyfriend says he will take me to our high school reunion and knows my husband is out of the picture. That could be seen as cheating too, but it is a reaction or response to how my H has treated me. Maybe an affair is a response to how I treated him! But my H felt betrayed by me and truly believed our M was over the moment I kicked him out. I know I may be in denial and my TH says I am making excuses for himas though he were my child. I just know my H and I do not his OW but I think they are not actually evil. They seem pretty nice and vulnerable people, selfish and dim, but educated and thoughtful. Sounds crazy I know!

[mkultra]

Prodigal reminds me of Captain Kirk. Remember that scene in Star Trek, dating myself, where Kirk has a mind block and he needs to fight Spock to the death? He has been so brainwashed he does not remember who he is, or anyone else for that matter. Spock tries with all his might to get Kirk to break the mind meld, but to no avail. The alien brains are just too powerful. No one has ever broken through.....until Kirk, because his memory for love and friendship is so courageously stronger than any other human.

Long analogy, but I kept thinking if I just stood in front of my H and wrapped my arms around him tightly enough and looked deeply into his eyes, he would remember me. But no, his mind has been brainwashed and I saw only cold apathy and a little bit of smug hate. He is too weak now, so I must let him go before there is a fight to the death!

Prodigal got out. Obviously her mind was strong enough and she able to break free from the insanity and darkness of an affair.

My H is still in the shadows and darkness. I fear the only way he can be whole again and make things right is to divorce me and marry her. All of his other bridges are badly burned.

[Steel_Box]

SOP - Lay off. I agree that you have the right to state your opinions on this BB too, but if all you can do is point fingers and try to stir Sh%t, limit it to your thread and we'll all come visit you when we feel like fighting. Quit trying to hijack other peoples situation and emotions for your purpose. It actually make you look less credible, and more weak.


Prodigal,
I don't have any of the eloquent analogies that the others have offered, but I will say this:
I commend you on the fact that you were able to turn your situation around from the brink, and re-enter your marriage. As you said it took a lot of work, and I am sure that there were times where either one or both of you questioned if it was worth it. Although I don't think any of us will ever "get there", because it is a jouney not a destination, it appears that you are on the right path.

Secondly you were brave enough to come on this board not knowing the reception you would receive, and offer information and insight from your perspective. To me that is a sign of strength. Although you may have had weak moments, or even a weak period of time, your strength and that of your husband is what got you both through to this point.

Bravery is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to continue on despite it.

Thanks for your contributions here

Steel_Box

[SorryDog]

Prodigal reminds me of Captain Kirk. Remember that scene in Star Trek, dating myself, where Kirk has a mind block and he needs to fight Spock to the death? He has been so brainwashed he does not remember who he is, or anyone else for that matter. Spock tries with all his might to get Kirk to break the mind meld, but to no avail. The alien brains are just too powerful. No one has ever broken through.....until Kirk, because his memory for love and friendship is so courageously stronger than any other human.

...awesome analogy!!!.. you pulled that one out from way back...

...still hoping/praying my precious bride will wake up from the alien brainwash where she will chose the love/friendship of our marriage, time is running out....they all need to snap out of it before it is to late...

...SorryDog

....

[GainingStrength]

Prodigal-

I don't care what your husband says, you can't logically tell me that he wanted you to continue speaking with OM (I know you aren't speaking to him now, but that's immaterial). I don't care if he was a 'friend' (I don't see why would want to be friends with someone that deliberately tried to destroy your marriage, but that's another issue), you chose the selfish road because it was better for you, not better for your husband or better for your marriage. Shame on you for that.

SOP

SOP - If you don't have anything to offer besides blame, go back to your own thread. We're all in pain here, but you don't have a right to project the pain from your spouse onto someone who has the guts to come on this site and tell us what it's like to be the WAS in an affair.

Larry

[GainingStrength]

Sorry for the hijack here. I just have one thing to say to mkultra: your husband is an idiot.

(but he has a lot of company with the WAS described in these posts)