Newcomer in Pain

[GainingStrength]

Nugget - Thanks for all the research. The bullet points really do help.

Nikki - I think the two activities do conflict emotionally. On the one hand, you are trying to be there for the spouse and to be supportive and helpful. On the other, you are trying to detach from them emotionally, as if they are just another acquaintance.
My solution, which is working pretty well for me, has been to go dark(or Plan B as Marriage Builders calls it). I have limited all contact, mostly about the kids' schedules and the divorce settlement, to e-mails and voicemails. No more popping into my home office on her way in or out and I screen all calls. She is exceptionally verbal, so this is driving her crazy. At first, she got all pissed off and spewed. I stood my ground and now she is grudgingly accepting it. Anyway, it is truly helping me to detach and still DB by being cooperative via e-mail and avoiding any expressions of anger. The detachment is being helped by remembering all her defects, even apart from the escapades I described in my posts above. You have to walk a fine line though. If you spend too much time working on detachment, you end up wondering why you're bothering with any DBing at all. So far, I'm doing the balancing act ok.

Below are e-mails on why you need to balance DBing with detachment. At the risk of boring everyone, I think the one below from W also shows how WAS's can have occasional lapses from their focus on the A and the D. I was caught off guard and allowed myself to get sucked in because of her lapse into a human being before she bungied-corded back to her normal mode of insane affair-addicted Martian. You can see my reply to her e-mail below it. As a result of lowering my guard, I allowed her to lure me onto the roller coaster for one day (today, I'm back in dark mode, sending only functional e-mails about schedules, etc.) Anyway, here are the two e-mails:
 
".... Frankly, I am thrilled and happy with my life - I
am getting love and feel so much lighter. I am getting support from many others. Not necessarily my family, but from real friends and long time people who know me.   
 
I am sad about Dylan [our S]. But he is right from his paradigm.  However, he will do well with you, and I wish both of you happiness in your living arrangement.  I was a good mother for him, and he has my heart forever.  I will never turn my back on him, and hope one day he will understand the complications that are the human heart and condition.
 
As far as you go, I am deeply disappointed, and know you are too.  But no, I am not angry.  I am disappointed it took divorce to get you to go to church and to live more fully. On the other hand, perhaps these are good things coming out of a sad situation. You bear responsibility for this divorce, it's not just me and you know it.  I am getting all the judgment but you
know, you had a great deal with me - I was a wonderful wife, mother, worker, and a trophy to be cherished, [I guess I should have prostrated myself more] I did my best and it just didn't work out any longer.  That is the sad part. I do not feel you are capable of loving me, and that is what has hurt for a long time.  I was a work horse when I should not have had to be so much so.  I am exhausted emotionally for carrying you in this regard.  You are a wonderful father, and frankly, since the separation, even better, very impressive, good for you! I am proud of you. [nice 180 at the end; made me a little dizzy following the stream of consciousness]
 
I think you want to think I am angry.  I am upset with the very hurtful anddisrespectful statements from my son and no back up because I can't talk with you.  He was way out of line yesterday. But this too shall pass, and in the end, things will settle to a new normal. [she still can't understand why he is upset, and why he says he hates the OM and calls him a loser. Also, the new normal she thinks will be so glorious won't be. She thinks she's hurting now, just wait til the walls start crumbling and the guilt and recognition of loss start flooding in]
 
I will always at some level love you, but it's not the right kind of love for forever.
 
In meantime, I am just hurting in my own way.  And frankly, I am a little scared of the finances and being able to support Lisa in the manner she has had. But freedom from hurt comes with its own costs.
 
Have a good day.



And my response:

"I understand that you are happy with your new life and love and are not angry in general. However, you really are a little peeved with Dylan and I at the moment. Never mind. I'm glad you're happy.
 
You said a lot about your disappointment. I do have to respond a little. I have already told you more than once that I accept fully my share of responsibility for the conditions that led to our divorce. I was shut down and did not meet your emotional needs. However, when relationships get into trouble, it tends to be because the problems become a vicious circle with both people participating. I have never gotten into that with you much
though, and I don't intend to start now.
 
I was going to take issue with your statement that I was not capable of loving you. But now that I think about it more and how shut down I was, I think you're right. In fact, I think I got to the point where I was not capable of loving anyone (except for a couple of children).
 
Anyway, yes, I am living more fully. Most important to me, I am reaching out to old and new friends and giving and getting more feeling than I've ever had in my life. That has been the true gift and the other side of all the pain. I still feel rejection, and heartache for the loss of my family, but overall I am doing great now. I'm eating and sleeping well, I'm enjoying people, I'm excited about doing new things, and I'm really looking forward to the future!
 
Yes, you were a wonderful wife and mother. [I regret that sentence; not totally honest]
 
Larry

To show how she bungied back and totally dissed my above soul-baring, this was her reply to my e-mail: "Where are you tonight? If you are here know I will be out late at an event,
enjoy the house and feel free to relax." Guess she got scared by the feelings dredged up by the dialog which could be a threat to the A. So she pulled back quickly.

Sorry for the really long post. Any comments are welcome though.

Larry