I get my definition on “avoider” from Pia Mellody’s “Facing Love Addiction.” Pia seems to be used in IMAGO work.
Characteristics of the Avoidance Addict (pps. 36-38) 1. Evade intensity within the relationship by creating intense activities 2. Avoid being known in the relationship in order to protect themselves from engulfment and control by the other person. 3. Avoid Intimate contact with their partners, using a variety of processes Mellody calls distancing techniques.
Avoiders consciously (and greatly) fear intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it.
The fear in adulthood stems from being abandoned as a child by the caregiver’ since when a child is forced to nurture the parent, the parent abandons the child’s needs for nourishment.
This description is the opposite of the Love Addict (the pursuer). Both have the two same fears: intimacy and abandonment.
In my marriage, I am the Love Addict (pursuer) and my wife is the Avoidance Addict (avoider or distancer).
