When he refused to hug you after your dad died, was that because of lack of differentiation?
Yup. Pretty much completely. Of course there were components of his fusion to his FOO in play as well as his fusion with me.
Quote:
Do you really think the only way that he was an unsatisfactory partner was his level of differentiation?
No. It's possible that we would be utterly incompatible even if we were both equally super-differentiated. I should have said that I would be willing to consider the possibility of reconciling. What I meant by "naturally" is that if we were equally differentiated there would be little difficulty in making the attempt. It might fail but it wouldn't be damaging or difficult.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I get my definition on “avoider” from Pia Mellody’s “Facing Love Addiction.” Pia seems to be used in IMAGO work.
Characteristics of the Avoidance Addict (pps. 36-38) 1. Evade intensity within the relationship by creating intense activities 2. Avoid being known in the relationship in order to protect themselves from engulfment and control by the other person. 3. Avoid Intimate contact with their partners, using a variety of processes Mellody calls distancing techniques.
Avoiders consciously (and greatly) fear intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it.
The fear in adulthood stems from being abandoned as a child by the caregiver’ since when a child is forced to nurture the parent, the parent abandons the child’s needs for nourishment.
This description is the opposite of the Love Addict (the pursuer). Both have the two same fears: intimacy and abandonment.
In my marriage, I am the Love Addict (pursuer) and my wife is the Avoidance Addict (avoider or distancer).
