need help to win back WAW

[DaveJ]

I'm probably pursuing. Being so lonely while the kids and W are gone is causing havoc on me. I'm literally forcing myself to eat just cuz I need to. I'm thinking that even if we are in S, it'd still be a little easier if I get to see the kids and her every couple days. It's been almost 5 days since I've seen them. and it will be almost 5 more until I do. I'm not holding it together like I should. Sucks that frustration comes across as desperate.

[DaveJ]

Well, at least now I know the MIL won't help the M. The W told MIL about us separating. She doesn't care either way. She just want her daughter to be happy. Of course she is influenced by her own marriage since the FIL hasn't been treating her well. *sigh* I was hoping she'd try to talk her daughter into preserving the M and make it work so that everyone can be happy in the long term. grrrrr! Of course wife's in a bad mood today. I just asked her if she's trying to be positive about us today and she just blew up. I wasn't trying to talk about our relationship at all. She has stopped saying ILY since two phone conversations ago. I really hope I didn't mess up that bad....

[NikB]

Dave - haven't read much of your sitch before but wanted to drop in and mention one thing on this:

I just asked her if she's trying to be positive about us today and she just blew up. I wasn't trying to talk about our relationship at all.

As soon as you ask anything about "us" it's an R talk... I know, kinda sucks, but it is. Keep working at the GAL and detaching. Your list of goals is great!!

While you're bored and lonely, here's a way to bring the focus back to you: break down those personal short term ones into actions, and start taking those actions. (hoping this helps all 3 of you who seem to be following each other's sitches):

1. I will continue to nurture my relationship with my kids and concentrate on keeping their lives as normal as possible throughout this ordeal.
How?
What will you do (specifically!) to do this?

2. I will be the best father I can be to my kids
What does this look like?
How do you put this into action?

3. I will learn to actively listen.
How?
Got any friends, family, etc. you can "practice" this on?
Any plans to see an IC, or do you think you have a handle on this on your own?

4. I will excercise and keep myself healthy.
Good! What exercise specifically? How often? Any FUN exercise that you can work in, maybe with a social aspect too (ride bikes w/friends or something)?
What else do you need to do to keep yourself healthy? (a tip if you're in the "can barely eat" stage - protein shakes worked for me, it was the only thing I could keep down for weeks)

5. I will relax and enjoy life and have fun.
What will you do to relax?
What do you enjoy in life that you will do?
What fun things are you planning? (and give yourself some deadlines or they'll just stretch out forever)

6. I will focus at work and do the best I can do. My family needs me to have a job.
What will help you focus?
What's the best that you can do? Can you even strive for a little bit better? (I know, TOUGH during these times)
Do you have work goals? Maybe a good time to write some for there, too.

7. I will Get a Life and try to meet new friends
What are you going to do to get a life?
Where and how do you plan to meet new friends?
(one suggestion if you're really stuck on this one, try meetup.com. I've met a lot of really neat people that way! It's not a singles group, you join whatever groups you're interested in).

8. I will be genuine with my wife and be the good husband I should be
Be careful with this one... it can look really manipulative, and especially if your W doesn't WANT you as an H right now, what looks like a "good H" to you may really drive her over the edge.

Be genuine yes, but don't expect her to be your best friend, emotional support, etc. unless she's ready to do that (and if she's saying she wants a sep, she's not at that place right now).

9. I will be the best friend I can be for my wife and make it to be fun and pleasant to be around me.
The best friend may or may not work for either of you - you can try it and see what happens but you may need to detach more than that (possibly for her sake, possibly for yours).
What things will you do to make it fun and pleasant to be around you? (PMA may actually be all you need for this right now, depending on how much you interact).

[DaveJ]

I'm just in a such crappy place right now. Missing my family. 5 more days until I see them. The W seems to be pissed at me. Which makes me more down. She seems to be more positive before she went on the trip. Maybe she's just overwhelmed by the kids. She's had a really bad day.... Hope that's it. I'm having a hell of a time focusing at work. Just couldn't do it. It doesn't help that I'm working on this problem that doesn't seem to get anywhere. Can't eat... At least I can sleep. No matter how hard I try to be in PMA it's just not working. I just feel so hopeless. I was doing so much better when I thought the W wanted to do everything she can to make our M work. And unfortunately I got no friends to have an outlet. And rehashing the same miserable crap makes me down anyways. Just wish the W is a bit more sympathetic about the situation besides getting mad at me. It's easy for her to deal with it since she's calling the shots. I don't see her breaking down due to potential end of M. She said she's been through it all and has dealt with her emotions of me not being there for her and she has made peace with it. Well I certainly has not seen her as miserable as I am now throughout our marriage. If she was I would've woke up a lot sooner!

Should I tell my parents the situation or should I just keep quiet?

[Nugget]

Should I tell my parents the situation or should I just keep quiet?

They my be a good avenue to use as a support group. I don't really have an friend to confide in either and my family has been a great help. They are very supportive and luckily they all adore my W and are pulling for us. Hopefully your family can help you the same as mine has helped me.

[DaveJ]

Well I certainly can't count on her family....

[Nugget]

Oh, I wouldn't get support from her family either. Lucky for me they live out of the country, sad for her though

[DaveJ]

Ok. Sent email to parents. Explained everything and how much of an idiot I was. I blind carbon copied my W so at least she can see what I'm telling my parents. Waiting for all hell to break lose. I cannot imagine what my parents will say. They have always been very critical of me throughout life. I hope this time they can be supportive. It does feel a little weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I've decided that even though I am not religious, maybe it's time for me to think about that. Maybe God will take care of things if I take care of myself. I want to be the person that my W wants to take back, not the crying mess that I have been. Easier said then done, but I do feel a little better than before.

[DaveJ]

man I swear I feel like I'm having PMS or something hormonal. Maybe that's how women feels. I don't know how much of this emotional rollercoaster I can take... arg!

[DaveJ]

While writing email to parents, I had a revelation. I want to be the husband that she wants to take back. I'm going to prove it to her that I'm worth taking back. I am a good person, a good father, and can be a good husband. We are human and we all make mistakes. Just some of us are denser than others. But in the end, I am not worthless and I will prove it to her! Boy I feel so much better!