forever21's journey still continues.....

[forever21]

Well, did breakfast with my H today. I'm not feeling so great. Has been a little rough. Not feeling super down, meeting just was heavy on emotions. Didn't expect that but should have since we hadn't had a face-to-face since April.

Had a C appt this afternoon, so that was good. He thinks I'm doing just great. Nice to know, since I'm not feeling like it at the moment. I know I'm doing good, but I'm just a bit frustrated right now. There is so much to process.

Based on how my H seemed when we said goodbye it wasn't as bad as it felt to me. He seemed happy and said he didn't think it went too bad, even though it might not have been how we planned for it to go... and that hopefully next time will be even better. I guess this is normal for me, to feel like it went terribly with him.

C advised me not to discuss filing for D with H yet. Not until I am absolutely sure that is what I want. He said we seem to be trying to push for the other person to make the decision for us. No kidding. I am having one of those days where I feel impatient and just want this to end. A big part of me wants to just tell H that I am ready to just file. I did really good this morning not saying that. Believe me, I wanted to quite a few times. But it was not in the plan, so I didn't do it.

Hashing stuff out was not in the plan either though. I probably totally took the bait. He pointed out a couple properties that he had looked at for himself as we were driving. At breakfast I then said I know you said you didn't want to hash stuff out today, but since you are looking at a home to buy for yourself maybe we should be starting that process. Things got a bit intense then for a short while, but it felt like an eternity. I am not even going to try to recall all that was said, but I worked hard to help diffuse the situation and excused myself eventually. We worked through it, but I still haven't wrapped my mind around everything.

He seemed to have this idea of us staying M, giving me time to get my career going, selling our house, and then each buying our own homes. I asked him why we would do that rather than just file for D, and I didn't feel like I got an answer out of him. He went on about how he loves me unconditionally and would continue paying the bills for another 3 years if he had to, and all kinds of other claims. Is he just waiting to file after I have an income? I really don't understand what he's thinking and I'm feeling like I didn't ask the right questions so that I might get it. sigh. I don't know what he is waiting for. Is he just thinking this will benefit him financially? I have to give this the waiting period, then I'm going to ask him if he will email with me.

We really did manage to calm the situation and end things very peacefully, considering how both of us were upset early on. We also discussed some stuff from our past that H didn't think we had ever truly talked about before today.... and that went really well. To me, it felt like he has forgiven me some for the past... simply based on the way he was toward me. But he talked about how he has just NOT been able to find any peace or healing for himself. I *wanted* to say "yeah, i'm not surprised given you haven't stopped being a jerk for very long", lol. Seriously, I hope he finds that for himself before too long, and before he hurts more people and himself any more.

OK, I'm feeling better already. Gonna watch a movie, then return the truck to H. Hope you are all having a good Wednesday. Love, f21