busy day today. started out rather pathetic. first we all slept it (zoinks! D3, the early riser, didn't wake up till 7:30...oddly enough, I didn't, either. I really am back in sleep mode, aren't I? there was a time up till recently that I barely slept at all, and never past 5:30). we all struggled a little waking up, then H called to say goodmorning. that's where the pathetic part came in...he called from his mom's house. I was actually excited that he did. he has used his cell phone for every single call for a couple of weeks now, so to see her house pop up on the caller id just made me happy...until I realized, that it had nothing to do with me, it was probably that OW's son was with her, so h didn't spend the night.
it really is going to be hard to let all this stuff go.
went to the gym, then did a bunch of stuff with the kids. I am so proud...my S5 is doing awesome on his bike, didn't need me at all, except to get him started. and D3 is finally (gasp) potty trained. I even took her to the gym in panties, no fear. one down, one (stubborn) one to go...then no more diapers! gasp! woo-hooo!!!!
H came to spend time with the kids and I just felt like a troll, but apparently I looked better than I felt. he complimented the sweater I was wearing, seemed to really like it. he asked where I was going and I softly asked him not to, to cut me some slack/give me a break. he questioned the fact that, asked if he could at least ask stuff like that, and I said, softly but firmly, no.
you know how I've said all along that I couldn't play woman of mystery with him? if you've read my thread you know how that went when I tried a few weeks ago. well, I think I figured out my answer now...just tell him upfront I'm not going to talk about it with him anymore, and then just don't.
but you all get to know...hehehe...oh, the excitement. I took myself to see Bourne finally. a good movie, exactly what I was looking for. a little distracting since matt damon looks a hell of a lot like H....exact same body, similar face (different eyes/nose). really distracting. but he's different enough that I can just say, yum, and move past it. interestingly enough, it also seemed to be cute-40-year-old-guy night at the movies. they are never around when I go (usally late afternoon) but for some reason a whole slew of them must have taken off work. they weren't together or anything, just seemed to pop up whenever I turned a corner. and apparently I looked better than I expected, because I got a lot of glances. that was nice...nice ego boost. weird, though, because I felt naked since i am not wearing my rings anymore.
after the movie, I did a little shopping to kill some time before the kids went to bed (I knew he wanted to put them to bed, and I didn't feel like being here for it with him, too painful).
H called a few times while I was out...to tell me that S5 is now even starting his bike w/o help. big boy! all stuff that could have waited till I got home, but I think its just habit for him, too, to call me. doesn't mean anything. he probably called ow as well to let her know (yeah, they talk about their kids a lot, that kills me). I got home, chatted a bit about the kids, and he started in again with questions about what I did. I was firm...I need to be firm, I don't want us to get comfy/social again. I need to distance myself from him, I do. for now, at least, until I feel like I have put this all behind me.
he got irritated about it. I didn't jump for the bait at all, or give in to the questioning. I was just firm. and told him, again, that I would get there someday, but I'm not now, and I know he can't quite appreciate how hard t his is for me, letting him go. but again said it is hard for me, and I'll get there someday, and maybe then, but not until then.
he got annoyed, said he was just making conversation, and I just said, "I know." and left it at that.
so that's my day. a good one overall. still sad about H and I, I'm sure that will take a long time to get past, but I'm proud of how I'm doing.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
