I have no real debate with anything you've said. BTDT on just about everything you've mentioned.
Unless I am misreading you, this all seems geared to be about you getting this info into your spouse's head.
Well, that IS the key to recovery isn't it, for both people of course.
Nothing (IMO) speaks louder than your (rhetorical you) own actions, attitudes and behaviors. Once your own act gets detectably "cleaned up", there is a foundation from which your words can be given weight.
Yes, to a point, and in that way I think I have resolved a lot of my wife's complaints, in a very "detectable way." But that isn't really ever the issue with an avoider is it? Those complaints are just a deflection. Sure, there may be some validity to them, but once resolved, the avoider simply finds something else that is a problem. In my wife's case, she sometimes reverts to digging up the past because she has little to complain about in the present.
I think she is reverting to the tactic of creating drama, digging up one issue or another to pull someone (myself or the kids) into an argument to justify her anger/frustration/gripe-of-the-day. I have even been noticing more of this when things seem to be going good and joking and teasing take place. As you might expect, this goes too far, someone gets mad (either she or the kids, because I will NOT engage in this sort of teasing with her), and the comfort of confrontation can resume and she can punish someone.
