In a way I am having an internal debate, questioning the whole process of marriage recovery as we know it and practice it on this board. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Why is this and is there another, better way?
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't because we're dealing with human beings and they aren't as predictable as science experiments. Sometimes it doesn't work because it wasn't really implemented. It's easier to talk a good plan than it is to do a good plan.
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The problem I have is with “…choose to leave the marriage by refusing to change or adjust.” A good system should be able to rule this out as a necessary option, for saving the marriage is one of the main objectives of recovery, especially when children are involved.
How can you assert that any possible option "should be ruled out as a necessary option"? I'm not sure why you are labeling it as "necessary" but it is always an option in any country where divorce is allowed.
There is nothing you can say or do to ensure that your spouse won't walk if they choose to do so. You could be the best husband that you know how to be a high percentage of time, you could extend yourself to try to meet her every need and be super person - but that doesn't keep spouses from leaving. OTOH, you can see alcoholic, abusive marriages where the abused spouse won't leave no matter what.
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I am not sure I buy this part either: “…they will start to change themselves in an effort to keep the relationship and respond to the differences.”
I wrote that as one option out of three:
"The other spouse will either continue trying to push the changing spouse back into the disfunction,
or
will choose to leave the marriage by refusing to change or adjust to the new relational dynamics,
or
they will start to change themselves in an effort to keep the relationship and respond to the differences. "
I don't know of any other basic responses from the other spouse than:
* stay in the marriage and make no changes (status quo) * leave the marriage * stay in the marriage and make changes
Those are the 3 options all spouses have. You can't control which of the choices your spouse will choose.
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Maybe the spouse feels it is safer to not keep the relationship. But that decision would be based on a warped view and unresolved issues. So it would be a poor decision, with the benefit of hindsight of course.
Our spouses make their decisions based on their own views, whether they are warped or not, poor or wise choices. We don't have the control to make their choices for them based on what we think is best.
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I see ALL the problems with relationships as a matter of information – whether we have wrong or limited knowledge, impressions and reactions to ourselves and others. The cure is information. The obstacle is getting that information into the brain, to create understanding. I am not sure that the methods we commonly use are the best ways of accomplishing the objective. I am just not sure what a better method would be.
Unless I am misreading you, this all seems geared to be about you getting this info into your spouse's head.
Nothing (IMO) speaks louder than your (rhetorical you) own actions, attitudes and behaviors. Once your own act gets detectably "cleaned up", there is a foundation from which your words can be given weight.
