I've been doing this since roughly June 2005. That was when the bomb dropped. The standard responses: ILYBNILWY, we were young, etc. I begged, pleaded, cried, said I would change. All too little, too late. We stayed in the same house together for the next 9 months, walking on egg shells. We still slept in the same bed, but no intimacy. She hung to her side of the bed like her life depended on it. She finally moved out in April, 2006. She bought a house, furnished it, setup the bedrooms for D17, D15 and S7. We worked out a child support agreement. We agreed to shared custody.
I lost 40 pounds dealing with the situation, worried where she was, who she was with, imagined her with different men. I was so hurt, I thought I would die. The biggest problem I had was having to see her almost every day, to deal with the kids. This hurt more than anything in the world. I was falling apart.
It all came to a head in January of 2007. We were discussing financial plans for D17's college tuition when I asked her if she was definitely filing for divorce. Her answer was Yes. There was no hesitation in her voice. Right after that, someone I really didn't even know that well sent me a sermon from T.D. Jakes about letting go. The timing was amazing. At that very moment, I realized what I had to do...I LET GO!
After that, whenever I saw her, it was only hi and bye. I only spoke to her about the kids. Whenever I would bring one of the kids to her house, I wouldn't even get out of the car. Even though I was letting go, I could not believe the amount of anger I had for her. My heart was hardening just as much as I know hers had hardened for me. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. But I realized this was the only way I could move on. I wasn't acting as if, I was living it.
In June of this year, she called me because she wanted to have a "Family Day" once a week because she felt we were losing touch with our children. I told her I could not do that because we were no longer a "Family". She told me she thought I was ignoring her. And she was right. But I could not allow myself or the kids to be sucked into this imaginary "family" situation. It was not healthy for anyone.
The conversation went on for awhile, until we both agreed to start discussing what went wrong and how to solve it. So we started setting aside time to talk and listen and hear and be heard. We addressed a lot of things. A lot has been held in by both of us over the 19 plus years we have been married.
The talks turned into dates. We took things at a fairly comfortable pace. Two weeks ago, she spent the night. Until that time, I had not held my W in over a year. I cannot put into words the feelings that washed over me. It was like a dream. But like dreams, sometimes we wake up from them. And one thing this experience has shown me, it is to keep both feet on the ground and brace yourself for whatever may come. She is still here, and we are enjoying life together. But I am ready for whatever may come.
I asked her what brought her back. Her reply was simple: "You've changed". She said I seem calmer and more grounded. I realize that I was actually living the DB principles without really trying. Once I learned to let go, I was willing to accept divorce or reconciliation. I let go and let God. I cannot say this enough to anyone on this journey.
I have felt enough pain to last a lifetime. I know there are others out there who believe their situation is worse than anyone else's. And you know what, on a personal level, each one's situation is worse than the other's. It is because we are all living in our own H@ll. We may not be able to relate to the one's who have left, but we can relate to the one's left behind. Believe it or not, we are all in the same boat.
I am not happy yet, but I am a lot better off now. I am on a different journey now, one that will hopefully lead me to happiness. I would like to thank everyone who has given me advice, there are many names that I can't list. I would also like to wish Godspeed to all that are still trying to find your way through the tunnel to the light at the end. I see the light and will continue to head towards it.
What a story !! Thanks for sharing it btw.. Hey, you could be of great inspiration around here when it comes to detaching and letting go.. stick around , buddy !
Pooh! What an inspiring posting! I do believe the honey pot isn't that far out of reach. Continue to take things slowly for a while.
Congratulations!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Poohbear, May I ask you.....what happened when you let go ? Did you stop thinking of the situation all the time ? Do the pain, sadness and anger leave after a while or do they remain ? I guess what I'm asking is how do you know you've really LET GO and are not just thinking that you are letting go whilst still wondering whether it is enough that we have done....
sorry bit of rambling there...hope you understood ! Also, did your W have an OM ? I'll try and look you up on old threads too !
Take care x
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Poohbear I found it again, THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS ! Maybe some of us are ready for this now too !! xx
Quote:
Let it go for 2007.. By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: LET THEM WALK.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with You, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, Staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can Walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to Anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made Manifest that they were not for us. "For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us" John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them Go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that Their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part In your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the Tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, It’s that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and Was never intended for your life, then you need to......... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains......... LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your Worth.........LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or Talents......... LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed........ LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007 !!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then ...... LET IT GO!!!
> > "The Battle is the Lord's!" > > During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you are doing, and take > This opportunity. (Literally it is only ONE minute!) > > All you have to do is the following: > > You simply say "The Lords Prayer" for the person that sent you this message: > > The Lords Prayer > > Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom Come, > Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. > Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses > As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into > Temptation but deliver us from evil. > For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the > Glory, forever. > > Amen. > > Next, send this message to everyone you know. In a while, more people will have prayed for you and you would have obtained a lot of people praying for others! > > Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to Him. > > Jesus said, > > If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before My Father" > If you are not ashamed, send this message... only if you believe. > "Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and My Savior. > > He Keeps me going day and night. > > Without Him, I am no one. > > But with Him, I can do everything, Christ is my strength." > > If you love God and you are not ashamed of all the great things that > He has done for you send this on. > God loves you and watches over you everyday. > > > > _________________________ PoohBear
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
When I let go, I was able to stop filling my mind with the negative thoughts that were dominating my life. Before I let go, I could not get more than 2 hours of sleep a night. Once I was able to let go, I slept like a baby. The sadness and pain did subside. I can't say it went away totally. But what I did notice was that I started gaining the weight back. i never associated the weight with my happiness, until then.
The one thing that did bother me, was that I replaced the sadness and pain with anger. But the anger was only there when I was around her. Once I or she would leave, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. But even the anger was subsiding with time. Letting go allowed me to talk to her as an acquaintance, rather than an old friend or STBXW. I was able to treat her like less than a co-worker.
There was no OM. But that didn't stop me from thinking there was. How else could I convince myself why she was leaving. I didn't believe there could possibly be any other reason for it.
Don't get me wrong. I realize that letting go doesn't mean you are able to totally wipe that person from your memory. It is a long term process. When she left, we were in our 19th year of marriage. You can't just pretend it never happened. Just as a relationship takes time to manifest itself, so does the process of letting it go. I remember lying in my bed one night, praying for my wife. At the end of the prayer, I said goodbye to her. Of course she didn't hear it, but I had to say it to start my journey.
I was a long way from completely letting go, but at least I started going in that direction. I've said it before, time is our worst enemy and our best friend.
PoohBear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
