I've been doing this since roughly June 2005. That was when the bomb dropped. The standard responses: ILYBNILWY, we were young, etc. I begged, pleaded, cried, said I would change. All too little, too late. We stayed in the same house together for the next 9 months, walking on egg shells. We still slept in the same bed, but no intimacy. She hung to her side of the bed like her life depended on it. She finally moved out in April, 2006. She bought a house, furnished it, setup the bedrooms for D17, D15 and S7. We worked out a child support agreement. We agreed to shared custody.
I lost 40 pounds dealing with the situation, worried where she was, who she was with, imagined her with different men. I was so hurt, I thought I would die. The biggest problem I had was having to see her almost every day, to deal with the kids. This hurt more than anything in the world. I was falling apart.
It all came to a head in January of 2007. We were discussing financial plans for D17's college tuition when I asked her if she was definitely filing for divorce. Her answer was Yes. There was no hesitation in her voice. Right after that, someone I really didn't even know that well sent me a sermon from T.D. Jakes about letting go. The timing was amazing. At that very moment, I realized what I had to do...I LET GO!
After that, whenever I saw her, it was only hi and bye. I only spoke to her about the kids. Whenever I would bring one of the kids to her house, I wouldn't even get out of the car. Even though I was letting go, I could not believe the amount of anger I had for her. My heart was hardening just as much as I know hers had hardened for me. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. But I realized this was the only way I could move on. I wasn't acting as if, I was living it.
In June of this year, she called me because she wanted to have a "Family Day" once a week because she felt we were losing touch with our children. I told her I could not do that because we were no longer a "Family". She told me she thought I was ignoring her. And she was right. But I could not allow myself or the kids to be sucked into this imaginary "family" situation. It was not healthy for anyone.
The conversation went on for awhile, until we both agreed to start discussing what went wrong and how to solve it. So we started setting aside time to talk and listen and hear and be heard. We addressed a lot of things. A lot has been held in by both of us over the 19 plus years we have been married.
The talks turned into dates. We took things at a fairly comfortable pace. Two weeks ago, she spent the night. Until that time, I had not held my W in over a year. I cannot put into words the feelings that washed over me. It was like a dream. But like dreams, sometimes we wake up from them. And one thing this experience has shown me, it is to keep both feet on the ground and brace yourself for whatever may come. She is still here, and we are enjoying life together. But I am ready for whatever may come.
I asked her what brought her back. Her reply was simple: "You've changed". She said I seem calmer and more grounded. I realize that I was actually living the DB principles without really trying. Once I learned to let go, I was willing to accept divorce or reconciliation. I let go and let God. I cannot say this enough to anyone on this journey.
I have felt enough pain to last a lifetime. I know there are others out there who believe their situation is worse than anyone else's. And you know what, on a personal level, each one's situation is worse than the other's. It is because we are all living in our own H@ll. We may not be able to relate to the one's who have left, but we can relate to the one's left behind. Believe it or not, we are all in the same boat.
I am not happy yet, but I am a lot better off now. I am on a different journey now, one that will hopefully lead me to happiness. I would like to thank everyone who has given me advice, there are many names that I can't list. I would also like to wish Godspeed to all that are still trying to find your way through the tunnel to the light at the end. I see the light and will continue to head towards it.
