I can't quite get what you're debating, except (and I may be misinterpreting) that you seem to be asserting that it can be a good idea to stay disfunctional and unhealthy yourself because that will be good for the marriage.
Is that what you're saying?
No, that’s not at all what I am saying. In a way I am having an internal debate, questioning the whole process of marriage recovery as we know it and practice it on this board. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Why is this and is there another, better way?
Are you speaking of yourself or your wife?
My wife.
One spouse striving toward becoming stronger and healthier is going to impact the marriage relationship. The other spouse will react. It may be negatively (and very often is because there is a strong pull to stay with the known and familar). The other spouse will either continue trying to push the changing spouse back into the disfunction, will choose to leave the marriage by refusing to change or adjust to the new relational dynamics, or they will start to change themselves in an effort to keep the relationship and respond to the differences.
Yes, I understand this dynamic well. As you say, changes by the other spouse can be limited, and by all sorts of reasons. But once the relationship can move past those roadblocks, I think things can greatly improve (at least until the next roadblock is encountered). The problem I have is with “…choose to leave the marriage by refusing to change or adjust.” A good system should be able to rule this out as a necessary option, for saving the marriage is one of the main objectives of recovery, especially when children are involved.
I am not sure I buy this part either: “…they will start to change themselves in an effort to keep the relationship and respond to the differences.” Maybe the spouse feels it is safer to not keep the relationship. But that decision would be based on a warped view and unresolved issues. So it would be a poor decision, with the benefit of hindsight of course.
I see ALL the problems with relationships as a matter of information – whether we have wrong or limited knowledge, impressions and reactions to ourselves and others. The cure is information. The obstacle is getting that information into the brain, to create understanding. I am not sure that the methods we commonly use are the best ways of accomplishing the objective. I am just not sure what a better method would be.
