The difference as I see what you describe is that you still WANT connection and therefore are still willing to place your trust in someone else. You are still willing to take the chance of being hurt. What do you do for those people who decide they will not take on that chance any more?
I'm not sure how to respond to this because I'm not sure what it is you are supposing I should entrust to somebody else. If you are positing that I should entrust somebody else with my happiness then I think you are wrong because that would be very fused and far too much to ask of another human being. In what sense am I trusting somebody if I allow myself to be vulnerable? I think the answer is that I am not trusting. If I trusted then I wouldn't be vulnerable. Vulnerability implies leaving oneself open to risk. The trust I might place in somebody else would be directly related to my perception of their strength. My ability to be vulnerable is directly related to my own strength and therefore directly related to my trust in my ability to care for myself to self-sooth and hold onto myself.
I didn't take very good care of myself within the relationship of my marriage. Since my marriage ended I have experienced several instances where this has been starkly revealed to me and I have been emotionally over-whelmed. My initial reaction was to flare out in anger at my 2bx but that was quickly followed by a sense of sorrow and loss. I do want to form relationships and be in connection with others but I realize that the sense of loss is due to my lack of care for myself and I can't fill that void with fusion with others. If I call Gloria up on my mental telephone and ask her for advice what I might say is "How can I best care for myself when in relation to others?" The answer to this question will also necessarily answer the question "How can I best care for others?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
