For someone coming from a troubled background, trying to understand what is wrong with enmeshment and why s/he should instead detach and stop worrying about others is an EXTREMELY difficult and scary concept to get.
Change and/or growth is like that for most people, functionally healthy or not.
People who are posting on support forums have usually recognized that *something* is wrong, that what they have been doing all along isn't working to their satisfaction, and are seeking alternatives. Initially, there is a strong tendency to lay the majority of the "blame" on the spouse that isn't posting - sometimes that proves to be the truth, but often there are major, discernable actions/attitudes/behaviors from the posting spouse that are noticeably unhealthy and contributing to the marital issues.
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But don’t you see that this IS part of the problem, that dysfunctional people are in their situation because they ARE afraid and have never known the security to be brave in the first place? What you are telling people is that they should have faith and trust what you are telling them, that if they follow your advice, they will be happy and safe, they will enjoy deeper connections.
I don't think anyone has said, "believe me, do this and you will be happy and safe and enjoy deeper connections."
My understanding of what is being said is, "If you work on some of these areas of yourself, you will become a healthier person and as a healthier person, you will be better equipped to function in a healthier manner in your relationships."
There are no guarantees or assurances that your spouse will be happier or healthier should you decide to make those changes in yourself. In fact, your changes toward being healthier are most certainly going to initially incur relational disruption as your spouse keeps pushing back toward the more familar disfunction.
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How do you convince someone who has known nothing but pain and loss all their life and has come to realize that no one can be trusted, that every time they do trust someone, they get hurt? How do you convince that person to put their hand on the stove again, that this time you promise they won’t get burned? Your words will feel completely hollow to them.
Are you speaking of yourself or your wife?
If it is in regards to your wife - if she isn't actively seeking to assess and work on her personal issues, IMO you can't convince her to do otherwise by reasoned arguments, logic or manipulations. Words are unlikely to do it.
If it is in regards to yourself who has assessed that there are problems and recognizes the possibility that there is likely a different/healthier way of relating - then it is a matter or determiniing whether or not you want to stay exactly as you are or do you want to make yourself more functionally healthy.
One spouse striving toward becoming stronger and healthier is going to impact the marriage relationship. The other spouse will react. It may be negatively (and very often is because there is a strong pull to stay with the known and familar). The other spouse will either continue trying to push the changing spouse back into the disfunction, will choose to leave the marriage by refusing to change or adjust to the new relational dynamics, or they will start to change themselves in an effort to keep the relationship and respond to the differences.
I can't quite get what you're debating, except (and I may be misinterpreting) that you seem to be asserting that it can be a good idea to stay disfunctional and unhealthy yourself because that will be good for the marriage.
